It took courage, support, and the assurance that I would not die to remove my wisdom teeth. That realization took approximately three years. After locating an incredible oral surgeon and beckoning my strength from within I faced my fear of surgery and went in to have the teeth extracted. Really, it was uneventful. Almost to the point that I felt foolish; one minute I was following directions as they plugged me up to machines, the next I was waking up and asking for my surgeon. In and out. I was done. With relatively little to no pain (the drugs were out of sight).
But more importantly I experienced what many might call a "moment of clarity" about fear and how I was and have been paralyzed by it. Because of my litany of "what ifs" I had conjured more than enough excuses about why I wouldn't get my wisdom teeth extracted. Sure, they weren't based on any substantial information. But nonetheless, they were based on my emotions. And all points of my emotions were saying "DANNNGGERRR". Talk about feelings leading you in the wrong direction.
So in the true nature of According to Fatima, it became exceedingly important to me to think about how many other aspects of my life I had sacrificed over to my feelings. In the modern world we are taught to trust our feelings, listen to our feelings, and to be guided by our feelings. But what about those feelings that are habitually distorted? What about those of us who frequently battle feelings of fear, unworthiness, and lack? Do we allow those feelings to instruct us also? My initial response is a resounding NO, but in truth, my path uncovers a new answer: YES.
In my haze of narcotics one of the ongoing feelings I had was of gratitude. I was grateful that surgery had been successful, grateful to my mother for being a wonderful caretaker, and grateful that I had the courage to take care of myself in a way that may seem minute, but represented a new place in my life. These feelings I trust.
But my discovery of the feelings that I had prior to the surgery were under scrutiny. I began to ask myself: how many other things in your life have you neglected because your feelings have told you that they were dangerous? How often have you shied away from opportunity or health or love or happiness or any other of the life experiences that bring gratitude because you felt fear? Immediately my life got rather small and I realized the role that fear was playing on my decisions.
I don't have some amazing antidote or solution that is novel or profound. My answer is simply to do it. That's what happened to me this past week: I stopped letting fear control my thoughts and just did what needed to be done. I accessed the infinite protector and called upon my faith and realized one thing: I don't know the day, the hour, or the experience that will end my life. What I do know is that it is up to me to live until then.
Fear has a distorted way of paralyzing our actions because it can show up as feelings. Why not avoid this or that because it doesn't feel right? Well, I know now that my feelings have to co-exist with my desire to live. I can no longer allow feelings to have the final say. Feeling like all parts of who I am are simply that: a part. If I give over to feeling, and ignore the other pieces of my puzzle how will I know when I have succumb to a incoherent fear rather than a legitimate warning? The only way I have learned to answer this question is by moving forward. Some times the fear will be greater than the experience, as in the case of my oral surgery. And sometimes I will have a lesson on the other end of the experience that I simple could not ignore. Either way, staying stuck, is not an option.
Life is a risk, and I have to trust that in living I am guided. I believe now, more than ever, that there is a source of infinite wisdom, protection, and guidance that will order my steps; and it's name isn't feeling, it's God.
