Sam Cooke said it best: "It's been a long time coming but I know change is gone come". I am approaching an ending: I'm leaving my apartment of two years to move into a more affordable place. It makes sense, it's economical, and it's necessary. Yet, I resist. The experience over the past four weeks has been a paradigm of my life: fear of the unknown, resistance to change, and an over all anxiety about what the future holds. With all the blessings and many positive things that have occurred in my life these feelings still dominate my thoughts.
Endings. That is what has to happen before there is a beginning, an ending. Often it is the ending that takes up my attention. Endings for me, mean loss. Somehow, although I know that the future holds both blessings and adversity; all of which I will be able to handle because of grace and mercy I still struggle with letting go. Will I be happy? Have I made the right decision? What have I learned from this experience? Is the next experience just an encore to the same, with a different address?
Transitions are what the world, being human, is all about. So what is my resistance from. Obviously, submitting my emotional history for the world to see on the Internet isn't my intention but rather to bring about a serious question that all humans face: when the tide shifts, the game ends, the last strike has been hit, what will you do?
Letting go is a good thing: it brings room for the new, the exciting, the breath and breadth of life. Good things can only happen after we have to let go of what we've been doing. (Can you hear my inner parent talking me through this?)
I guess what is really challenging is that I am resisting feeling the feeling that is present and needs attention: I will miss this apartment.
After all, this place represented my evolution out of a depression post-graduate school and a difficult break-up. I found myself here. I learned a lot about what I need in order to be happy. I have been - exclusively - in complete control over every aspect of my life behind the door of apt. #202. From this, I have gained new friends and have had the courage to release toxic people. I turned down a marriage proposal (believe me, that wasn't easy). I have had to advocate for myself and learn when to say "no". I took lovers. Had sex when and where I felt like it. I cried, I painted, I read, I listened to the noise of silence. I decorated, I picked out my own furniture and decided what colors would soothe my soul. I woke up every morning to coffee brewing for me and the only noise that could be heard was my radio. I have gotten to know who I am. I write.
In this over priced apartment I said goodbye to the twenties and turned 30! I learned that friends were the family members that don't share my blood but fortunately are people I am able to choose.
So this next chapter is unknown. I won't say I am completely comfortable with the unknown but I am working, minute by minute, to accept it. I feel a little better (now that I have had a chance to write) and can see that not seeing what lies ahead is just as okay as being able to see.
So goodbye apartment 202! Goodbye to space and know that the memories will still be with me no matter what zip code I'm in!
I welcome the new. I am ready to experience what I have not experienced before. I release all fear of what is ahead. I am now ready to receive all that is coming to me. I am positioned in exactly the right place to experience all I desire. I have and continue to have all that I need. I am at peace and grateful for the many blessings ahead, ever thankful that my heart is able to expand. I have lost nothing and I am always receiving what I expect and even what I do not expect!
Thanks for listening.
