Happily Single!!!!

Last night I stayed out at my sister's crib until one in the morning, having cocktails, and laughing until my side hurt. I came home, read until I was too drowsy to understand the words on the page, then went to sleep.

I woke up this morning to silence in my lil' one bedroom apartment and made some coffee. I am enjoying the sound of the rain through cracked windows. I have a huge sweatshirt on with stretched out sweat pants. My hair is a mess. I haven't brushed my teeth. And there is laundry piled up in my bedroom. The dishes in my sink, well, they can sit there until I feel like washing them. I slept in the nude. And just because of all these things: I am happily single!

I didn't always have this type of contentment. I used to agonize over the loneliness of single living. I compared my life to those around me and envied them. I wanted so badly to boast of the successful husband, the adorable infant, and the beautiful home we built together. These images and fantasies ruled my existence. I lived in constant worry that something was wrong with me. I pleaded with God to bring the right people into my life so I could finally rest in happiness.

Then I realized, happiness is a choice.

I realized that no matter whether or not I find the man of my dreams, have the children I desire to have, or if I never live in the beautiful Victorian with the white picket fence; happiness is always my responsibility and choice. Be happy. Be happy. Be happy. I have begun to desire happiness above all these things. Surprisingly, this when I began to feel happy. When my focus shifted from what I wanted, to what I have, and who I am, happiness has flooded my heart.

Last week was particularly stressful for me. Work, like always, dominated my thoughts. I was pushed to my limit by people, circumstances, and fatigued beyond belief. When I arrived home at the end of a particularly stressful day all I could do was undress, turn off all the lights, and lay in bed decompressing. To some, this may sound sad. For me, it was the exact antidote for the situations I found myself in during the day. While I was relaxing, listening to my thoughts and the sound of cars rushing about outside the window it hit me: If I had a husband, a family, and greater personal responsibilities, that moment, filled with peace and serenity after long hours of stress, would not have been possible. In that moment I exchanged my frequent fantasies for a loving husband with the grattitude that where I was, doing exactly nothing, was where I wanted to be.

I spent the next hour being grateful that there wasn't any dinner to prepare, or clothes to fold. I relished in the reality that my life is ALL MINE! I could lay there in bed, in solitude, for as long as I pleased. I didn't have to explain my feelings, or the day that exhausted me. I was truly able to leave it all behind, and re-charge my battery.

Whether or not my current situation is a permanent one, I don't know. What I do know is I have never been this happy! I am joyfully writing this blog, in the silence of my home. I am content making supper for one. I am thrilled that that towel, over there, hanging on the banister, is mine. I know where I left the coffee filters, and I don't have to worry about who is doing what when. THIS is freedom to me!

I have not closed myself off from a relationship; I will welcome a loving partner with open arms. However, my life is Good. Fabulous. Mine. It is as completely crazy or as simple as I want it to be. When I do become a part of a pair, I will look back on this time as a happy time.

I do not wish to be anywhere else, doing anything else, than what I'm doing now. I am so grateful for this time of learning myself, enjoying myself, and living with myself. There is nothing lonely about personal satisfaction. There is nothing lonely about self-reliance. There is nothing lonely about peace. This is the good stuff life is all about! I am happy: Happily Single!