When I hurt, I try to soothe myself. I find my outlets of encouragement through talking to friends, writing, and reading. The one thing I am working diligently on is not hurting others while I am hurt. This is a difficult task to say the least. It is easy to transfer anger, blindly thinking you are getting rid of it, but all the while you are simply spreading it to undeserving people.
Yesterday, in my heart, I ended a friendship with a person who has spent the better part of our twelve year friendship swinging from absolute admiration towards me, and despising me. I have tried to remain neutral throughout our friendship offering apologies where needed, and distance when there was no other option. I realize much of my tolerance towards them is in fact, due to a blind loyalty I have to those who have "stuck around" in my life. As I write this, I am becoming aware that this is just as unhealthy as a person who wreaks tension and havoc on others.
The thing is, I want to be loved. I believe this is the desire of each and every breathing person. However, when my desire to be loved blinds my ability to see that a person is unloving, and sometimes, hurtful, I have to set a boundary. It is my responsibility to take care of myself.
Because I am introverted at heart, many of my feelings are dealt with within the quietness of my heart and soul. I try my best to deal independently. There is a saying, some people are too hard on themselves, while others are hard on everyone else. I believe the former is true about me. Instead of lashing back at the one who has hurt me, I internalize the insult, behavior, or feeling. I have very little "protective gear" around my heart. For this reason, while I may not show it, I hurt deeply when others betray my love, friendship, or attempts at service.
The conflict in my heart is that I have a hard time deciding what to protect myself against and what to allow myself to feel. When someone makes a genuine gesture at showing love towards me, I become anxious, unable to trust their intention, and attempt to discredit their acts of kindness. On the other hand, when a person is mean, insults me, or betrays me, I believe their unloving words or works to be true. Hmmmm....
This must mean one thing: I believe in my heart that I am unlovable. Wow. For all of my 14 followers, I am making an admission that perhaps is something others wouldn't even tell their best friend or mother.
But this belief, has directed my instincts, my choices, and ultimately the relationships I have participated in. I have chosen to be involved with people who because of their own character flaws, addictions, or lack of mental health have helped to re-affirm this belief. The logical (because I'm always in my head) thing to do would be to practice discrediting this belief that I am unlovable. However, it's hard! I try. I really do. I've tried through accomplishments, relationships, service to my students and family, as well as in prayer. Each time attempting to validate why I am a "good person". Sometimes I'm successful, at other times, I can't even remember why I should even undertake such a task. This is the difficult work that should be left to a therapist I'm sure. But in reality, I don't know that a mantra, affirmation, or tears of admission could re-create this deep seeded belief.
I've tried The Secret, being religious, and even therapy. Still I struggle each day believing that I've "done enough" "am enough" and "deserving" of the good that the universe has. It is my hope that I will be able to see my true value through the lens of a person who understands that each of us is loving, lovable, and deserving of love. Perhaps this will be my "New Year's Resolution". Yeah, that's a good idea: this year, in 2010 I will spend 365 days saying one thing loving to myself in my journal. I will appreciate myself, I will validate myself, I will trust myself. I will banish feelings of anxiety when others are being loving to me, and I will refute and/or discredit unloving treatment.
I'm scared. Already I'm thinking I can't do this. I'll need your help. Perhaps a little encouragement. Maybe some accountability. Okay, yeah, that's a good idea, what if I have to write something loving to myself each day right here on my blog? That would be a great idea wouldn't it? I'd have to publicly profess my love for myself each day, right here! I think that is a great way to start!!!!!!
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