Each time a long term relationship or a relationship that has had a deep effect on me comes to an end, I, like every adult seeking empowerment, do an assessment. Invariably, I find that many of the traits and aspects of the person I have just ended a relationship with are the same traits and aspects that caused me to end the last relationship, and the one before that, and the one before that….
The Pattern
I find myself attracted to men who at their best are confident, ambitious, articulate, intelligent, passionate, and frank. At their worst, those same men were insensitive, selfish, unavailable, manipulative, disrespectful, and at times cold. I blamed myself for a long time for “always attracting the same man” and had resolved that no matter what, I was destined to be challenged because, I, was cloning this unloving experience. No doubt, this type of feeling was fatalistic and depressing. It lead me into several sexual hiatuses, the church (don’t front, some of us find the Lord when we’ve lost a love), and even into relationships with people whom I felt no spark with in an effort to not be alone. Obviously, I wasn’t dealing to well.
The “Ah Ha” Moment
Then after I was feeling the pain of another abandonment, I was sulking on the couch watching The Oprah Winfrey Show and saw a psychotherapist named Harvel Hendricks discussing his couples therapy technique: Imago Therapy, which evaluates why patterns in relationships seem to cripple so many of us. In his segment he quoted a phrase that has stayed with me since: “the deeper the wound, the stronger the bond”. I was floored. Oprah asked him to expound, and I’m paraphrasing here, but he went on to explain: “each of us has a set of experiences from our childhood where we were wounded by our caretakers. In an effort to survive, our mind coaches us through the wound and provides us with enough resolve to get through it. Although the wound is not healed, we do, in some miraculous way, discover a way to get past the hurt. Until, that is, cupid’s arrow pricks us.” Dr. Hendricks went on further, “When nature attracts us to a particular person, what we are experiencing is a Divine appointment to heal what was wounded when we were children. As a matter of fact, the person for which we fall madly in love with will possess the very characteristics of the caretaker that had the most profound impact on us as children. Our first reaction, once nature’s anesthesia has worn off, will be to run, or free ourselves from this person who is touching on the tenderest part of our souls: our unhealed wounds, but, if we are open and reflective with our partner, communicating our needs and asking for their support, our partners stand to heal us in a way that no other person can: completely”. Thus, according to Hendricks theory our patterns are really our souls reaching out for healing and not a matter of flimsy will, poor choices, or desperation. And then I breathed. I took the deepest, most validating breath. I breathed the air of peace, hope, and strength. I knew, in that moment, that I wasn’t some relationship lame who could not make wise choices. I was, like every other person in this world, a human being longing to be made whole through the healing of deep wounds.
A New Approach to Love
Once I was armed with these new truths regarding why we continue to choose who we choose I began to take a new approach to love. First, I ran right out and got Hendrick's books: Getting the Love You Want, and Keeping the Love You Find and researched who I am, and what my needs/wounds were and the type of person that would ultimately catch my soul’s eye. I then began to work with my soul instead of against it knowing in advance what my relationship challenges were going to be and how to educate my partner on how to get around those challenges. I forgave myself for every relationship and all the emotional turmoil I experienced and accepted them as work my soul was trying to complete. Have I gotten married? No. But with this soul work, I realized marriage is not the goal, but another destination on a greater journey: healing Fatima.
Do I clone? Absolutely. Will I continue to clone? With better judgment, and clearer vision. Will I heal? Definitely. Is that love? Unconditionally.
“…sighs…wipes her eyes…says a silent prayer…pats herself on the back…and thanks God for Grace….”
Psalm 138:8
“The Lord will perfect that which concerns me…”
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