Being single is not challenging because we don’t like going on dates, meeting new people, or having exciting affairs. Being single is challenging because of disappointment. Think about it: why did you walk away from that last situation? You were disappointed. Why did you cry and claim to be so “hurt”? Someone disappointed you. Why did you refuse to look at a situation that was unloving, unsupportive, and downright incompatible with your desires? You wanted to resist the inevitable pain of disappointment. I, like every person that has tried and failed at love, recall the most challenging part of the breakup as the point in which I realized that disappointment was on the horizon. More than that, it took many long nights in deep meditation to think about what exactly caused me to fear disappointment so much that I would barter, beg, and manipulate another just to avoid it. Here are a few things I have had to let go of in order to do my part to lessen the sting of a disappointment:
Release the Fantasy
Fantasies are waaaay to seductive. When I meet a new guy, it's almost impossible for me not to imagine myself running through a field of tulips with him as he shouts to the heavens how much he loves me! Boy! Those fantasies are fun and I recall the first time I started creating them: I was twelve years old and had just left summer camp and had met the boy of my dreams (Zack) and even though he lived thousands of miles away, to get myself through the hurt, I imagined how we would be reunited every night before bed for the next couple of weeks. Clearly that was an appropriate coping mechanism for a child, but what about adults? Do you fantasize him leaving his wife? Or that even as a convicted felon he will be the next mogul? Do you dream about her being more attractive? Or that she is better educated? Fantasies are dangerous. I know firsthand how terribly isolating a fantasy is and more important, how in our fantasies, we do not do a very important adult thing: accept reality for what it is and make wise decisions. Fantasies prevent the “adult” in all of us from properly instructing us on what to do. Think about it: aren’t fantasies just a childish way to avoid accepting reality and thus disappointment? When we’re truly ready to love what we learn (as I’ve seen with my married friends and family members) is that disappointment comes regardless of whether we expect it, try to protect ourselves from it, or flat out deny it…it’s there, and unless we shed the fantasy we’ll never be able to handle our right to be disappointed.
Find and Express Your Voice
In our culture of “reality TV” and technological communication we live in the “idea” that we are constantly communicating; nothing could be the furthest from the truth. While we think we are communicating through superficial language our real feelings, hurts, and desires are stifled by our addiction to being politically correct, or making sure we don’t “look” a certain way. One of the worst forms of disappointment is when we disappoint ourselves. The clearest route to disappointing ourselves, is when we don't properly advocate, communicate, or deliver our truth, desires, and expectations. I find it extremely funny how verbose we can be in relationships without really saying a real word (can I get an Amen?). You hear couples rave about how important communication is in a relationship, however, as daters, we rarely support the idea of voicing our desires, likes, dislikes, and expectations (see feedback from previous blog “I Never Knew Rejection Could Feel So Good”). Unless we find our voice in relationships we won’t be able to really relate to someone else. What we’ll be doing is a whole lot of talking and little communicating; this too, is another sure route to disappointment. There is absolutely nothing worse than feeling like another person, for whom you care about, does not “hear” or understand you.
Let Your Expectations Represent Your Truth and Not Someone Else’s
Have you ever ended a relationship and truly felt like you had done so in order to save face in front of family and or friends? I have. Call me gullible, easily influenced, but I know I’m not alone. There are so many influences in today’s society that many of us have a hard time making an organic decision. We do what the church tells us, what our therapist says is best, what Steve Harvey says, or even what we’re told to do here on Flagler Hill. Being disappointed is an agonizing feet especially when you have allowed the ideas, thoughts, expectations, and standards of others to guide you in your relationship. Sure we can tell each other what we see, but it is my belief that the wisest among us are those that have an uncanny ability to look within first, and then make a decision. Another piece regarding the importance of looking within is the fact that what most dating experiences lack is authenticity. While we may say we are being true to ourselves, if we’re not sleeping with a man simply because Steve Harvey says so, are we really living our truth if we want to sleep with the person but fear disappointing ourselves because of the “rules”?
As long as there are human beings there will be disappointments. But if we are to be conscious people, looking for true and lasting love, we must, look within and see if we’ve set up some booby traps in our own minds that will ultimately lead to disappointment. We do not have absolute control over the thoughts, feelings, and habits of anyone else, no matter what we tell ourselves. But, we do have control over how we will feel. It’s my estimation that dealing with disappointment is one of the valuable lessons that dating will teach us. After all, we will be disappointed many times in our partnerships. The relationship with our partner will by no means be perfect. We will see colorful mirages of disappointment: perhaps with our spouse, children, jobs, or even ourselves. How we handle disappointment during the “dog days of singlehood” is exactly how we will deal in our relationships. Are you ready for love? Then hopefully, you are ready to be disappointed too!
ms.b
No comments:
Post a Comment