According to Me....

This is a random rant...

According to me I should be married by now. An afternoon like today would be filled with me finding something good to make for dinner, maybe playing some jazz, and getting ready to spend the evening hugged up with my honey.

I know, I know, be patient, it will happen, it takes time, I only need one man....but sheesh! It sucks when your heart jumps for a man you can't have. Is cupid blind? Doesn't he see me over here...waisting away...looking for companionship? Doesn't he aim? I mean really, if anyone knows cupid, tell him I'd like him to make sure that the next time he shoots his arrow at me and a man that he make sure that the potion in his arrow won't just give us googley eyes, and fluttery hearts, but the willingness to step out on love. The ability to let loose and enjoy, or better yet, availability.

Sunday was filled with tears running down the face of a woman who knows better than to get involved with a married man. A woman who knows that it's not morally wrong (and she by the way, doesn't really buy into the whole idea of 'morals' anyway) but that entertain a man who can only share a fraction of his life with her would be to entertain her emotional death. She wouldn't be able to take it, seeing him leave, sharing him with another woman, and better yet, his absence. She cried all of 30 minutes because she knows she's a woman and she's responsible for her happiness, and no, she can't just say she 'fell in love' with this married man, because her falling could result in her getting really hurt. When I saw her crying, I felt bad for her. I knew she was crying because she didn't want to be responsible for her own happines...she just wants cupid to get it right. I also felt her pain as I watched how badly she didn't want to let this go. I saw the despair in her eyes because I also knew that she is afraid she'll never feel like this again, and love will never be requited. I know she's afraid of lonliness. I know she's afraid of losing hope. I know she wants this man, just as he is, minus the wife, to be hers. And I know, she knows, that will never happen. I cried watching her because I knew she could see that this man is another example of her pattern of dysfunction, and I also cried because she is exhausted from fighting it. I know, that in her heart, being 'honest' 'true' and 'having faith' makes her feel like shit, and really, she already has enough to deal with. I felt compassion for her as she walked forward with shaking knees because she no longer 'knows' better, but she does better. I know she is afraid, and I know she is impatient. If you are wondering how I know so much about her, it's because,

she, is me.