Gettin' My Shit Together

You know this about relationships...I mean really, what else do I write about?

But there is this awful feeling of reality that only my mother could help me see: the men I have continued to become attracted to, attempt to invest in, and long for have all been emotionally unavailable people.

As the panic set in once I realized that another relationship is ending for the same reason I saw myself returning to a place where I had promised myself I wouldn't go again: feeling like I am begging someone to love me. It's true, real, and fucked up. I mean, for most people there is an understanding that if they continue to expose themselves to the same situation and expect a different result they can just qualify themselves insane. Well, right now, that's just how I'm feeling.

My naivete about relationships seems to invade my decision making process in the early stages . Most times, when I decide to get involved with someone it's after some form of hiatus and I get to a point of loneliness that I want to feel the excitement of love more than I am willing to evaluate the "signs" that this guy is another one of the same. The truth is, because they come in so many shapes, sizes, and life experiences I haven't quite learned how to decipher the "signs". Does that make me a major contributor to my own dysfunction? Probably.

This blog is about getting my shit together and trying to find a way through the haze of repetition. I want to break the cycle, my cycle and I realize I need to learn the art of acceptance. I want to know more about how to try something new. The more I experience this same man, the more restless I become.

So every man I've dated has had some form of happiness anxiety. They've been unable to be emotionally available because there is some form of addiction in their lives; they don't even recognize it, and if they do, they don't admit it to me.

So what are addicts like? How can I recognize when I have been introduced to a man that has a problem? What are the measures to evaluate the behaviors of a man in order to determine if he's really a "good guy"? I'm going to have to go back to school on this one. As much as I think I might have grown, unfortunately, there is more that I have to do. So alas, I'm going to have to get the support that I need.

I've gotta get my shit together!