Ruthless Ambition

Take a brief moment and indulge in a little visualization with me:

It's a warm day in May, the sweet aroma of Magnolia trees is being lifted from their host and carried gently in by the wind through a window, slightly ajar. Inside the room now fragrant with Magnolia you are dressing in the most beautiful gown you have ever seen yourself in. There is tapestry and embroidery, perhaps even a silken shape, and you are a bride. There is fuss about you as the women you love so much are gathering around singing your praising, and catching details of imperfection on your behalf. The buzz of anxiety is about you, yet you feel still. You have won your prize, and in moments, you will be publicly named First Lady of this man's life. Instead of fussing over the dress, the flowers, and the bridesmaids, you, are singularly focused on getting down that isle: you've waited for this moment for years, for you, the trip is not just down the isle ahead, rather, it's been an epic journey.

He stands erect as the church doors open. You pause, simply to admire his waiting. For you know quite a bit about waiting. As you saunter down the isle you think to yourself: "this is it! this is my time! I have finally arrived!" He stands, and waits, serious and contemplative, as you reach him. And then of course, you live happily ever after.

Or do you? This is not another commentary or judgement against the modern woman and her obsession with marriage. There is plenty in the circuit of online publishing, books, magazines, and so forth in order to keep a girl occupied with this topic. Rather, I thought about looking at this 'coming of age' experience many women aspire to [and some that seem unable to capture] for the modern woman and why it seems to define us.

In the last thirty years women have changed. Yes, we are, in many ways, a species that embodies resilience, patience, and determination. But sociologically we have changed the very landscape of the world by reaching and soaring to new and unexplored heights. Because we are ambitious in mind and spirit we have celebrated making an impact both personally and globally. But where, oh where, did this drive come from?

Some might say it was necessary for women to become self-sufficient in order to be a viable contribution to the world. I agree with that. Others will say it is because women needed to have the right to express other domains of their ego than simply adoring and catering to husbands and children. I agree with that also. But there is another question: would women have agreed to advance their contribution to the world if it meant a sentence of loneliness, the destruction of our emotional intelligence, or the ignorance of intuition?

To every experience of personal growth there is a part of ourselves that is emphasized and another part that invariably gets put on the "back burner". Such is the case when a person has decided to invest their time in work, health, or spirituality and as a result perhaps traveling, dating, or reading is put on hold. That is the way ambition works right? Move forward towards a goal until you reach it, right?

Bear with me, I'm getting to the point.

So in a world where professional, physical, and financial goals have become a part of the constitution of every "good woman" isn't there a new structure for how women view "getting ahead"? And if that is the case, has marriage, and relationships become another "goal" for women rather than a decision? If you're wondering what the difference is, then let me clarify.

A goal is the result of an achievement to which effort is directed (dictionary.com) while a decision is defined as making a judgement or to determine a preference that results in a conclusion (dictionary.com).

Marriage has found its way on millions of "to do" or "bucket" lists of women, particularly in America. It has become the earnest desire of achievement as a form of power, recognition, and even wealth (also the definition of ambition). The obsession to attain a "good man" or date men that are "marriage material" has become in sorts, another example of the growth and empowerment of women. Let's keep it real: we can meet any number of powerful and influential women, but yet, if it is acknowledged that her marital status is single, somewhere, in our minds [or judgements] we conclude [decide] that something is fatally wrong with that woman.

Do we make these assessments of women who are unmarried because we have been brainwashed? Or do we, the modern woman, conclude this about her because we see her as a failure in some way? Do we look at the 'never married' woman and think "she just didn't do what she was supposed to do in order to get a man!"? If you are honest, somewhere, you'll find this criticism.

This is not a criticism of women: by all means and accounts the successful women of today have demonstrated tenacity, resilience, and impact in ways no person can avoid celebrating. But to another point we must inquire: how come marriage is an ambition many women have, yet a goal that so many cannot achieve?

It appears that the modern woman, in all her growth was excluded from a very important school: the school of self. While she is very conscious of her achievements, can balance the hell out of a checkbook, and may find her way through the most difficult of journeys, she has lost her ability to decide on what it means to be a partner.

While our families, and society were setting up parameters for our educational, professional, and financial empowerment by creating models for setting and achieving goals; somewhere, we lost our intuition, emotional intelligence, and spiritual insight about what being a good partner is. We lost our ability to decide on what is a loving way to do things, and what is not. We lost how to make a conversation effective, and how to leave one alone if it is not the time. As we gained so much knowledge of the [male] self, we lost the knowledge of what it means to be around a man, or perhaps, how to honor one. We surrendered our nurturing, patience, and friendship to our partners in exchange for becoming a "financial contribution", and a "professional alliance". And to this effect, we lost the Passion of Being a Woman.

While we learned how to choke back tears in the corporate board room we also learned how to suppress our feelings. The result? We learned how to ignore our intuition. While we learned how to work, work, work, in order to gain the "prize" [money, prestige, education] we also learned how to sacrifice vital parts of who we are. The result? We barter, give, and manipulate in relationships and call it "work". While we gained recognition, and acclaim for our accomplishments we learned to every effort there is a reward. The result? We lost the knowledge that in relationships, sometimes you do, give, and be, without expecting anything in return. [Disclaimer: this statement does not mean women today don't give to their man, on the contrary, it is designed to challenge why she is giving rather than if she is.] And finally, while we learned no-one gets something for nothing and how to negotiate our worth for appropriate compensation we also learned that everything has a price. The result? We have sold our souls.

This is a challenge to women. Not because we are inherently wrong, but because we must find the balance. We are fast learners. We turned the world upside down in less than a century learning how to be "man". Now, it seems we need to re-learn how to be a woman. This is not to say that being a woman means we abandon all that we have learned while we excelled and became solid contributors to movement of the world. It simply means we find the balance. It is our godly right to experience womanhood. It is our godly right to experience balance. Should women continue in the way in which they have, our very essence risks extinction.

I urge women to spend time together, learning the way in which women operate. I urge women to spend time with the self, conquering the demons of mis-education of what it means to be a woman. I urge women to pay attention to how she is perceived by men and learn what intrigues them about our differences [besides our sex].

I urge women to take a trip to Venus. After all, the planet seems to have been deserted.