Being single is not challenging because we don’t like going on dates, meeting new people, or having exciting affairs. Being single is challenging because of disappointment. Think about it: why did you walk away from that last situation? You were disappointed. Why did you cry and claim to be so “hurt”? Someone disappointed you. Why did you refuse to look at a situation that was unloving, unsupportive, and downright incompatible with your desires? You wanted to resist the inevitable pain of disappointment. I, like every person that has tried and failed at love, recall the most challenging part of the breakup as the point in which I realized that disappointment was on the horizon. More than that, it took many long nights in deep meditation to think about what exactly caused me to fear disappointment so much that I would barter, beg, and manipulate another just to avoid it. Here are a few things I have had to let go of in order to do my part to lessen the sting of a disappointment:
Release the Fantasy
Fantasies are waaaay to seductive. When I meet a new guy, it's almost impossible for me not to imagine myself running through a field of tulips with him as he shouts to the heavens how much he loves me! Boy! Those fantasies are fun and I recall the first time I started creating them: I was twelve years old and had just left summer camp and had met the boy of my dreams (Zack) and even though he lived thousands of miles away, to get myself through the hurt, I imagined how we would be reunited every night before bed for the next couple of weeks. Clearly that was an appropriate coping mechanism for a child, but what about adults? Do you fantasize him leaving his wife? Or that even as a convicted felon he will be the next mogul? Do you dream about her being more attractive? Or that she is better educated? Fantasies are dangerous. I know firsthand how terribly isolating a fantasy is and more important, how in our fantasies, we do not do a very important adult thing: accept reality for what it is and make wise decisions. Fantasies prevent the “adult” in all of us from properly instructing us on what to do. Think about it: aren’t fantasies just a childish way to avoid accepting reality and thus disappointment? When we’re truly ready to love what we learn (as I’ve seen with my married friends and family members) is that disappointment comes regardless of whether we expect it, try to protect ourselves from it, or flat out deny it…it’s there, and unless we shed the fantasy we’ll never be able to handle our right to be disappointed.
Find and Express Your Voice
In our culture of “reality TV” and technological communication we live in the “idea” that we are constantly communicating; nothing could be the furthest from the truth. While we think we are communicating through superficial language our real feelings, hurts, and desires are stifled by our addiction to being politically correct, or making sure we don’t “look” a certain way. One of the worst forms of disappointment is when we disappoint ourselves. The clearest route to disappointing ourselves, is when we don't properly advocate, communicate, or deliver our truth, desires, and expectations. I find it extremely funny how verbose we can be in relationships without really saying a real word (can I get an Amen?). You hear couples rave about how important communication is in a relationship, however, as daters, we rarely support the idea of voicing our desires, likes, dislikes, and expectations (see feedback from previous blog “I Never Knew Rejection Could Feel So Good”). Unless we find our voice in relationships we won’t be able to really relate to someone else. What we’ll be doing is a whole lot of talking and little communicating; this too, is another sure route to disappointment. There is absolutely nothing worse than feeling like another person, for whom you care about, does not “hear” or understand you.
Let Your Expectations Represent Your Truth and Not Someone Else’s
Have you ever ended a relationship and truly felt like you had done so in order to save face in front of family and or friends? I have. Call me gullible, easily influenced, but I know I’m not alone. There are so many influences in today’s society that many of us have a hard time making an organic decision. We do what the church tells us, what our therapist says is best, what Steve Harvey says, or even what we’re told to do here on Flagler Hill. Being disappointed is an agonizing feet especially when you have allowed the ideas, thoughts, expectations, and standards of others to guide you in your relationship. Sure we can tell each other what we see, but it is my belief that the wisest among us are those that have an uncanny ability to look within first, and then make a decision. Another piece regarding the importance of looking within is the fact that what most dating experiences lack is authenticity. While we may say we are being true to ourselves, if we’re not sleeping with a man simply because Steve Harvey says so, are we really living our truth if we want to sleep with the person but fear disappointing ourselves because of the “rules”?
As long as there are human beings there will be disappointments. But if we are to be conscious people, looking for true and lasting love, we must, look within and see if we’ve set up some booby traps in our own minds that will ultimately lead to disappointment. We do not have absolute control over the thoughts, feelings, and habits of anyone else, no matter what we tell ourselves. But, we do have control over how we will feel. It’s my estimation that dealing with disappointment is one of the valuable lessons that dating will teach us. After all, we will be disappointed many times in our partnerships. The relationship with our partner will by no means be perfect. We will see colorful mirages of disappointment: perhaps with our spouse, children, jobs, or even ourselves. How we handle disappointment during the “dog days of singlehood” is exactly how we will deal in our relationships. Are you ready for love? Then hopefully, you are ready to be disappointed too!
ms.b
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Are We Trying to Clone or Heal?
Each time a long term relationship or a relationship that has had a deep effect on me comes to an end, I, like every adult seeking empowerment, do an assessment. Invariably, I find that many of the traits and aspects of the person I have just ended a relationship with are the same traits and aspects that caused me to end the last relationship, and the one before that, and the one before that….
The Pattern
I find myself attracted to men who at their best are confident, ambitious, articulate, intelligent, passionate, and frank. At their worst, those same men were insensitive, selfish, unavailable, manipulative, disrespectful, and at times cold. I blamed myself for a long time for “always attracting the same man” and had resolved that no matter what, I was destined to be challenged because, I, was cloning this unloving experience. No doubt, this type of feeling was fatalistic and depressing. It lead me into several sexual hiatuses, the church (don’t front, some of us find the Lord when we’ve lost a love), and even into relationships with people whom I felt no spark with in an effort to not be alone. Obviously, I wasn’t dealing to well.
The “Ah Ha” Moment
Then after I was feeling the pain of another abandonment, I was sulking on the couch watching The Oprah Winfrey Show and saw a psychotherapist named Harvel Hendricks discussing his couples therapy technique: Imago Therapy, which evaluates why patterns in relationships seem to cripple so many of us. In his segment he quoted a phrase that has stayed with me since: “the deeper the wound, the stronger the bond”. I was floored. Oprah asked him to expound, and I’m paraphrasing here, but he went on to explain: “each of us has a set of experiences from our childhood where we were wounded by our caretakers. In an effort to survive, our mind coaches us through the wound and provides us with enough resolve to get through it. Although the wound is not healed, we do, in some miraculous way, discover a way to get past the hurt. Until, that is, cupid’s arrow pricks us.” Dr. Hendricks went on further, “When nature attracts us to a particular person, what we are experiencing is a Divine appointment to heal what was wounded when we were children. As a matter of fact, the person for which we fall madly in love with will possess the very characteristics of the caretaker that had the most profound impact on us as children. Our first reaction, once nature’s anesthesia has worn off, will be to run, or free ourselves from this person who is touching on the tenderest part of our souls: our unhealed wounds, but, if we are open and reflective with our partner, communicating our needs and asking for their support, our partners stand to heal us in a way that no other person can: completely”. Thus, according to Hendricks theory our patterns are really our souls reaching out for healing and not a matter of flimsy will, poor choices, or desperation. And then I breathed. I took the deepest, most validating breath. I breathed the air of peace, hope, and strength. I knew, in that moment, that I wasn’t some relationship lame who could not make wise choices. I was, like every other person in this world, a human being longing to be made whole through the healing of deep wounds.
A New Approach to Love
Once I was armed with these new truths regarding why we continue to choose who we choose I began to take a new approach to love. First, I ran right out and got Hendrick's books: Getting the Love You Want, and Keeping the Love You Find and researched who I am, and what my needs/wounds were and the type of person that would ultimately catch my soul’s eye. I then began to work with my soul instead of against it knowing in advance what my relationship challenges were going to be and how to educate my partner on how to get around those challenges. I forgave myself for every relationship and all the emotional turmoil I experienced and accepted them as work my soul was trying to complete. Have I gotten married? No. But with this soul work, I realized marriage is not the goal, but another destination on a greater journey: healing Fatima.
Do I clone? Absolutely. Will I continue to clone? With better judgment, and clearer vision. Will I heal? Definitely. Is that love? Unconditionally.
“…sighs…wipes her eyes…says a silent prayer…pats herself on the back…and thanks God for Grace….”
Psalm 138:8
“The Lord will perfect that which concerns me…”
The Pattern
I find myself attracted to men who at their best are confident, ambitious, articulate, intelligent, passionate, and frank. At their worst, those same men were insensitive, selfish, unavailable, manipulative, disrespectful, and at times cold. I blamed myself for a long time for “always attracting the same man” and had resolved that no matter what, I was destined to be challenged because, I, was cloning this unloving experience. No doubt, this type of feeling was fatalistic and depressing. It lead me into several sexual hiatuses, the church (don’t front, some of us find the Lord when we’ve lost a love), and even into relationships with people whom I felt no spark with in an effort to not be alone. Obviously, I wasn’t dealing to well.
The “Ah Ha” Moment
Then after I was feeling the pain of another abandonment, I was sulking on the couch watching The Oprah Winfrey Show and saw a psychotherapist named Harvel Hendricks discussing his couples therapy technique: Imago Therapy, which evaluates why patterns in relationships seem to cripple so many of us. In his segment he quoted a phrase that has stayed with me since: “the deeper the wound, the stronger the bond”. I was floored. Oprah asked him to expound, and I’m paraphrasing here, but he went on to explain: “each of us has a set of experiences from our childhood where we were wounded by our caretakers. In an effort to survive, our mind coaches us through the wound and provides us with enough resolve to get through it. Although the wound is not healed, we do, in some miraculous way, discover a way to get past the hurt. Until, that is, cupid’s arrow pricks us.” Dr. Hendricks went on further, “When nature attracts us to a particular person, what we are experiencing is a Divine appointment to heal what was wounded when we were children. As a matter of fact, the person for which we fall madly in love with will possess the very characteristics of the caretaker that had the most profound impact on us as children. Our first reaction, once nature’s anesthesia has worn off, will be to run, or free ourselves from this person who is touching on the tenderest part of our souls: our unhealed wounds, but, if we are open and reflective with our partner, communicating our needs and asking for their support, our partners stand to heal us in a way that no other person can: completely”. Thus, according to Hendricks theory our patterns are really our souls reaching out for healing and not a matter of flimsy will, poor choices, or desperation. And then I breathed. I took the deepest, most validating breath. I breathed the air of peace, hope, and strength. I knew, in that moment, that I wasn’t some relationship lame who could not make wise choices. I was, like every other person in this world, a human being longing to be made whole through the healing of deep wounds.
A New Approach to Love
Once I was armed with these new truths regarding why we continue to choose who we choose I began to take a new approach to love. First, I ran right out and got Hendrick's books: Getting the Love You Want, and Keeping the Love You Find and researched who I am, and what my needs/wounds were and the type of person that would ultimately catch my soul’s eye. I then began to work with my soul instead of against it knowing in advance what my relationship challenges were going to be and how to educate my partner on how to get around those challenges. I forgave myself for every relationship and all the emotional turmoil I experienced and accepted them as work my soul was trying to complete. Have I gotten married? No. But with this soul work, I realized marriage is not the goal, but another destination on a greater journey: healing Fatima.
Do I clone? Absolutely. Will I continue to clone? With better judgment, and clearer vision. Will I heal? Definitely. Is that love? Unconditionally.
“…sighs…wipes her eyes…says a silent prayer…pats herself on the back…and thanks God for Grace….”
Psalm 138:8
“The Lord will perfect that which concerns me…”
Untitled...Okay...Love....
Bell Hooks says we don't know a thing about love the verb. Steve Harvey says love is the result of adhering to gender specific rules. Your momma (at least mine) says all you have to do is pray. The church says not to worry about a thing; to every thing there is a season and your "season" of love will come at God's appointed time. Karrine Steffans (a.k. a Superhead) says you are just one good lick on the lollipop from finding, seducing, and keeping the man you want.
Huh? $&**@$%!!! I'm confused!
One man. One woman. Eventually that's the equation that we find ourselves in. One man, one woman. We make our decisions based on those two very important variables. Who is this man? Who is this woman? Do the "rules" apply when the chemistry is fire, the tug pulls on your heart and all you see is this one man, or this one woman? As my readers on this site know, I am totally naive about love. I have found myself saying and doing things in the name of love that turned out not to represent me real self. But wait! Isn't it really about that? Having the courage to step out there, be vulnerable and find out more about you? Okay let's not get to esoteric about it; love is about finding what was lost, reclaiming what is good, and following through on what is real. So since all these "authorities" have weighed in (and gotten rich) off of our desire to understand love I'm going to give it a try:
Love is: the absence of fear, the purpose and drive to explore, the willingness to fall, the courage to get back up, the acknowledgement of what is wrong in order to locate what is right, the peace of sensuality, the divine connection, the non-violent resistance to lovelessness, the assurance that life is meaningful, the coffee to this dull existence, the sugar for that coffee, and the caffeine that brings us to life. Love is all those things disgusting, and pure. Love is the ultimate paradox. It is the unknown; it is an abyss. It is the desire to know, do, and feel more, and the willingness to admit there was nothing to know, do, and feel more of. Love is mathematically equated: one man x one woman = infinity. So what does this all mean? It means there are no rules. If this male dominated society of media, literature, and laws wanted us too, we'd see and experience love through patriarchial fantasy and the absence of feminine sensuality. Do it! Jump In! Forget about what you've read, analyzed, and conjured! Live in your heart, not your mind; love is in the heart, not the mind. It's a four letter word; you know that without it, you will not have anything else. It is the substance, the salt, of our existence.
ms.b
Huh? $&**@$%!!! I'm confused!
One man. One woman. Eventually that's the equation that we find ourselves in. One man, one woman. We make our decisions based on those two very important variables. Who is this man? Who is this woman? Do the "rules" apply when the chemistry is fire, the tug pulls on your heart and all you see is this one man, or this one woman? As my readers on this site know, I am totally naive about love. I have found myself saying and doing things in the name of love that turned out not to represent me real self. But wait! Isn't it really about that? Having the courage to step out there, be vulnerable and find out more about you? Okay let's not get to esoteric about it; love is about finding what was lost, reclaiming what is good, and following through on what is real. So since all these "authorities" have weighed in (and gotten rich) off of our desire to understand love I'm going to give it a try:
Love is: the absence of fear, the purpose and drive to explore, the willingness to fall, the courage to get back up, the acknowledgement of what is wrong in order to locate what is right, the peace of sensuality, the divine connection, the non-violent resistance to lovelessness, the assurance that life is meaningful, the coffee to this dull existence, the sugar for that coffee, and the caffeine that brings us to life. Love is all those things disgusting, and pure. Love is the ultimate paradox. It is the unknown; it is an abyss. It is the desire to know, do, and feel more, and the willingness to admit there was nothing to know, do, and feel more of. Love is mathematically equated: one man x one woman = infinity. So what does this all mean? It means there are no rules. If this male dominated society of media, literature, and laws wanted us too, we'd see and experience love through patriarchial fantasy and the absence of feminine sensuality. Do it! Jump In! Forget about what you've read, analyzed, and conjured! Live in your heart, not your mind; love is in the heart, not the mind. It's a four letter word; you know that without it, you will not have anything else. It is the substance, the salt, of our existence.
ms.b
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)