What a Girl Wants....Is What a Woman Needs!

I have been doing some research on what it is that is so called "common" among women that I do, and what about me is down right crazy! I was relieved to realize that much of what I thought was "insecure, crazy, or needy" is really part of what makes many women feel loved, safe, and cared for in a relationship. So after all my research the jury is in:

Men have to tell a woman how they feel about her in order for her to feel secure!

I've combed several websites and the consistency of this message is undeniable. The main cause for this need is rooted in the fact that women use language and expression to manifest their thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and concerns. When we are involved in any of our relationships be it work related, within the context of family, we express our perceptions, thoughts, and feelings both verbally and non-verbally. When we're in a group of friends, rarely do we sit and watch a show, go out for an activity, or even occupy ourselves with something other than the group. We sit (and often in some form of circle) and talk. Why? Because it is a release. We need to give life to some of those whacky things we're feeling and thinking in order for them to do die. The longer the thought, feeling, or perception goes un-expressed, the stronger it gets. And if women know anything, some of those thoughts, feelings, and perceptions can't get too strong or they will ruin something in our lives.

Having said that. I think one major mis-communication between men and women - is what it is we actually want you to say to us! Everyone knows that most of the things expressed by women are just that - expressions. If you're wondering how decipher "just talk" to more serious issues - pay attention to what she repeats over and over and over and over. At that point she isn't just talking to you......she's warning you!

Here are a few common phrases I found that women respond to the most in order to feel secure. If you're wondering or wanting a woman to feel loved, respected, and desired by you, check these out:

1. I think you're beautiful.
2. You can tell me, I'm listening.
3. It's going to be alright.
4. What can I do to help?
5. I love you.

Contrary to what many men think are the things women want to hear, these simple five phrases will make a woman gush with love and feel totally secure that you are into her. For many, it doesn't take flowers on the job once a month (although flowers are ALWAYS nice to receive), or an expensive vacation, or jewelry. Each of these things are nice on occasion but as women we understand that they are not the norm. What I believe each woman is looking for from the man she is involved with are the sentiments that are expressed in these statements.

Let me break them down for you, in the same order presented above:

1. "Ok good, so he's satisfied with me and desires me, I don't have to worry that he'll be unfaithful! *sigh of relief*"
2. "He wants to know what I am thinking or feeling right now. Thank God! I was getting ready to burst and he has saved the day!"
3. "I'm scared shitless...but I won't cowar, after all, my man has my back!"
4. "My man understands how difficult life can be for me sometimes, when he just asked me if he could help, even though I may not take him up on it, he just showed me that I'm not out here alone"
5. "Love is more superior than any other thing in this world - it's what fuels me, now that he has told me he loves me, I feel stronger than I ever have because I know with his love I can do anything!"

So you see fellas, it isn't that we want you to quote Shakespeare or write us love songs...we can see that those sentiments are as contrived as you can. It's what you're saying to us when the spotlight isn't on, in those quiet moments that we give to you, that make us feel secure. Hopefully, by now you know, a secure woman will go out, conquer the world, and bring it back to you to for you to enjoy the spoils!

After all, isn't that what Eve was doing wandering in the garden in the first place?

Are You a Good Friend?

Once in a while, there are people who come into your life that make you wonder: "where have you been all my life?" If we're lucky, these friends make us see who we are. They may even help us to become who we want to be. Friendships are at the seat of many of our hearts. In our friendships we learn unconditional love, acceptance, support, and how to weather the storms from a healthy distance. Some of us brag of many associates, but we all know friends are few and far between. So what kind of friend are you?

To seperate our relationship behaviors from how we deal with our friendships is a naive act. I think that when we clearly look at our friendships, we can see, just how we actually behave in relationships. Friendships, in their purest form lack a desire for "getting, winning, or gaming". So when all the folly around saying, doing, and being the right thing in order to get that guy or girl is gone, all you have is your ability to be a friend. Are you a good friend?I'll admit, the reason for this blog is because I have had to work tirelessly to remove my unhealthy behaviors in my friendships. I have been known to be unavailable at a whim, distant, and uninterested if I can't "fix" their problems. At times, I know that I am the person to come to when there are problems to be solved. On the other hand, if there is a party, or an adventure that a friend wants me to participate in, I cowar, excusing myself because I have "things to do". I know that my friends love and accept this about me. Many of them have simply been my friends throughout many of my changes in life and do not hold it against me that I am uninterested in some things.

But then I got to thinking....

How does that make them feel? Do they feel as though I don't have interest in what interests them? Would they say I'm not being a good friend to them because I avoid the things that interest them? I know I am the person they come to for advice, to heal broken hearts, and to help them strategize their way through their careers. But am I the person that will engage in activities they like to do? Will I be able to sacrifice being in my comfort zone in order to share with them. So far, I haven't been. Then I got to thinking.......This is one of the major issues within my relationships: accountability. I have a hard time being accountable to others. For some reason, accountability screams neediness and being used. I know this is an irrational perception...and believe me...I want to see it healed. Nevertheless, if I look closely at how I operate in my friendships I can see that the same things I am not willing to do for and with my friends are the same things I am not willing to do for and with my mate. Wow. Here I am, cataloging all the things I have to offer a potential significant other, when the truth is, I am not fully capable of partnering.

Friendship is gift that we continue to give. Partnership is a gift of commitment we continue to give. So if I have trouble giving of myself to my friends in order to honor their interests, than what does that say about my ability to do the same in love relationships? If I can't feel comfortable with the intimacy of friendships, how will I be comfortable with the intimacy of a relationship.We blame the sexes so much, and I too, have a habit of blaming extraneous circumstances on my singlehood: location, selection, and values. But if I'm honest, I can truly see that there is work to be done on my ability to be a friend. I know that there will not be true intimacy if there is not friendship. Friendship is loving, unconditional, kind, considerate, giving, and honest. These are the very things I claim to want from a man. So if I take myself out of the illusion of all the extraneous circumstances around my singlehood and focus back on myself the question that will be my focus is:

Am I a Good Friend?

Can You Handle Disappointment?

Being single is not challenging because we don’t like going on dates, meeting new people, or having exciting affairs. Being single is challenging because of disappointment. Think about it: why did you walk away from that last situation? You were disappointed. Why did you cry and claim to be so “hurt”? Someone disappointed you. Why did you refuse to look at a situation that was unloving, unsupportive, and downright incompatible with your desires? You wanted to resist the inevitable pain of disappointment. I, like every person that has tried and failed at love, recall the most challenging part of the breakup as the point in which I realized that disappointment was on the horizon. More than that, it took many long nights in deep meditation to think about what exactly caused me to fear disappointment so much that I would barter, beg, and manipulate another just to avoid it. Here are a few things I have had to let go of in order to do my part to lessen the sting of a disappointment:

Release the Fantasy
Fantasies are waaaay to seductive. When I meet a new guy, it's almost impossible for me not to imagine myself running through a field of tulips with him as he shouts to the heavens how much he loves me! Boy! Those fantasies are fun and I recall the first time I started creating them: I was twelve years old and had just left summer camp and had met the boy of my dreams (Zack) and even though he lived thousands of miles away, to get myself through the hurt, I imagined how we would be reunited every night before bed for the next couple of weeks. Clearly that was an appropriate coping mechanism for a child, but what about adults? Do you fantasize him leaving his wife? Or that even as a convicted felon he will be the next mogul? Do you dream about her being more attractive? Or that she is better educated? Fantasies are dangerous. I know firsthand how terribly isolating a fantasy is and more important, how in our fantasies, we do not do a very important adult thing: accept reality for what it is and make wise decisions. Fantasies prevent the “adult” in all of us from properly instructing us on what to do. Think about it: aren’t fantasies just a childish way to avoid accepting reality and thus disappointment? When we’re truly ready to love what we learn (as I’ve seen with my married friends and family members) is that disappointment comes regardless of whether we expect it, try to protect ourselves from it, or flat out deny it…it’s there, and unless we shed the fantasy we’ll never be able to handle our right to be disappointed.

Find and Express Your Voice
In our culture of “reality TV” and technological communication we live in the “idea” that we are constantly communicating; nothing could be the furthest from the truth. While we think we are communicating through superficial language our real feelings, hurts, and desires are stifled by our addiction to being politically correct, or making sure we don’t “look” a certain way. One of the worst forms of disappointment is when we disappoint ourselves. The clearest route to disappointing ourselves, is when we don't properly advocate, communicate, or deliver our truth, desires, and expectations. I find it extremely funny how verbose we can be in relationships without really saying a real word (can I get an Amen?). You hear couples rave about how important communication is in a relationship, however, as daters, we rarely support the idea of voicing our desires, likes, dislikes, and expectations (see feedback from previous blog “I Never Knew Rejection Could Feel So Good”). Unless we find our voice in relationships we won’t be able to really relate to someone else. What we’ll be doing is a whole lot of talking and little communicating; this too, is another sure route to disappointment. There is absolutely nothing worse than feeling like another person, for whom you care about, does not “hear” or understand you.

Let Your Expectations Represent Your Truth and Not Someone Else’s
Have you ever ended a relationship and truly felt like you had done so in order to save face in front of family and or friends? I have. Call me gullible, easily influenced, but I know I’m not alone. There are so many influences in today’s society that many of us have a hard time making an organic decision. We do what the church tells us, what our therapist says is best, what Steve Harvey says, or even what we’re told to do here on Flagler Hill. Being disappointed is an agonizing feet especially when you have allowed the ideas, thoughts, expectations, and standards of others to guide you in your relationship. Sure we can tell each other what we see, but it is my belief that the wisest among us are those that have an uncanny ability to look within first, and then make a decision. Another piece regarding the importance of looking within is the fact that what most dating experiences lack is authenticity. While we may say we are being true to ourselves, if we’re not sleeping with a man simply because Steve Harvey says so, are we really living our truth if we want to sleep with the person but fear disappointing ourselves because of the “rules”?
As long as there are human beings there will be disappointments. But if we are to be conscious people, looking for true and lasting love, we must, look within and see if we’ve set up some booby traps in our own minds that will ultimately lead to disappointment. We do not have absolute control over the thoughts, feelings, and habits of anyone else, no matter what we tell ourselves. But, we do have control over how we will feel. It’s my estimation that dealing with disappointment is one of the valuable lessons that dating will teach us. After all, we will be disappointed many times in our partnerships. The relationship with our partner will by no means be perfect. We will see colorful mirages of disappointment: perhaps with our spouse, children, jobs, or even ourselves. How we handle disappointment during the “dog days of singlehood” is exactly how we will deal in our relationships. Are you ready for love? Then hopefully, you are ready to be disappointed too!

ms.b