Are You a Good Friend?

Once in a while, there are people who come into your life that make you wonder: "where have you been all my life?" If we're lucky, these friends make us see who we are. They may even help us to become who we want to be. Friendships are at the seat of many of our hearts. In our friendships we learn unconditional love, acceptance, support, and how to weather the storms from a healthy distance. Some of us brag of many associates, but we all know friends are few and far between. So what kind of friend are you?

To seperate our relationship behaviors from how we deal with our friendships is a naive act. I think that when we clearly look at our friendships, we can see, just how we actually behave in relationships. Friendships, in their purest form lack a desire for "getting, winning, or gaming". So when all the folly around saying, doing, and being the right thing in order to get that guy or girl is gone, all you have is your ability to be a friend. Are you a good friend?I'll admit, the reason for this blog is because I have had to work tirelessly to remove my unhealthy behaviors in my friendships. I have been known to be unavailable at a whim, distant, and uninterested if I can't "fix" their problems. At times, I know that I am the person to come to when there are problems to be solved. On the other hand, if there is a party, or an adventure that a friend wants me to participate in, I cowar, excusing myself because I have "things to do". I know that my friends love and accept this about me. Many of them have simply been my friends throughout many of my changes in life and do not hold it against me that I am uninterested in some things.

But then I got to thinking....

How does that make them feel? Do they feel as though I don't have interest in what interests them? Would they say I'm not being a good friend to them because I avoid the things that interest them? I know I am the person they come to for advice, to heal broken hearts, and to help them strategize their way through their careers. But am I the person that will engage in activities they like to do? Will I be able to sacrifice being in my comfort zone in order to share with them. So far, I haven't been. Then I got to thinking.......This is one of the major issues within my relationships: accountability. I have a hard time being accountable to others. For some reason, accountability screams neediness and being used. I know this is an irrational perception...and believe me...I want to see it healed. Nevertheless, if I look closely at how I operate in my friendships I can see that the same things I am not willing to do for and with my friends are the same things I am not willing to do for and with my mate. Wow. Here I am, cataloging all the things I have to offer a potential significant other, when the truth is, I am not fully capable of partnering.

Friendship is gift that we continue to give. Partnership is a gift of commitment we continue to give. So if I have trouble giving of myself to my friends in order to honor their interests, than what does that say about my ability to do the same in love relationships? If I can't feel comfortable with the intimacy of friendships, how will I be comfortable with the intimacy of a relationship.We blame the sexes so much, and I too, have a habit of blaming extraneous circumstances on my singlehood: location, selection, and values. But if I'm honest, I can truly see that there is work to be done on my ability to be a friend. I know that there will not be true intimacy if there is not friendship. Friendship is loving, unconditional, kind, considerate, giving, and honest. These are the very things I claim to want from a man. So if I take myself out of the illusion of all the extraneous circumstances around my singlehood and focus back on myself the question that will be my focus is:

Am I a Good Friend?