Starter Girl

I like to think that I'm flawless. Then usually, that thought passes and I realize I'm human. One of the imperfect qualities of my humanity is that I do a great job starting things...but I'm not so good at finishing. I can think of at least three areas in my life (exercising, writing, and dating) where I started with incredible enthusiasm and fizzled out of energy quickly after. Did I loose interest? Am I more in love with the idea of having these things as regular activities in my life rather than doing the work? Are these simply fantasies, and ideas, but not goals?

I dreamed last night that my trainer looked at me and said "you can start with so much power, but you can't stay at it". I woke up this morning with his statement resonating with me. I have so many passions, so many ideas, and yet, I have a hard time seeing them through.

There are other things that I was able to see through with veracious power, focus, and determination. Like finishing both of my degrees and finding a place and making a home. I couldn't stop thinking about these things while I was in the process of attaining the desired results. I wouldn't let myself find any excuse to let these goals get out of my reach - I considered the completion of these goals as a clear reflection of my person. For that - I was determined to have the right appearances.

Now, when it comes to these particular areas of life: exercising, writing, and dating I loose interest quickly. Perhaps I haven't been able to conceptualize the "reward" or "payoff". In the case of getting my home decorated and comfortable I knew I would "feel safe, and secure" once the place was finished. I ate, slept, and dreamed about the colors, textures, and furniture I would place in my home in order to make it just right.

When I think of the perfect husband, I may daydream for about twenty minutes, then the image of him fizzles. I can work out for three months straight - with all the intensity of a new athlete only to loose interest on some random day, for a random reason. And with my writing - perhaps the most promising dream of the three - I still fizzle out out fiction, crave reader approval and often switch plots in the midst. All for a new start. So I wonder how many others are operating their lives with same kind of attitude. Start - but don't finish. Think - but don't Act. Dream - but don't Create.

This is my public admission of my humanity: I'm a starter girl....