When God delays you, in whatever you are waiting for, the arrangements are being worked out. Period.
So often we are impatient, we want what we want, when we want it. We can experience a host of feelings as a result of this impatience. At times, we get angry with God. Sometimes we beg. At other times, we decide to "check-out", resigning that God has forgotten about us, and the desires of our heart will not be fulfilled. I know these truths all too well because on any given day, while I am waiting for all that I have asked God for, I have felt these feelings.
Don't despair, the arrangements are being made for you, with you, and through you. There was once an illustration I heard that helps me when I become impatient. It was an image of how I perceive my future versus how God sees it. It was presented this way:
"Suppose you were walking down the street, knowing where you wanted to go, and your focus was on which street to take but, knowing that your range of vision is limited, you take it one block at a time, trusting that when the street you need next arrives, you will be able to make the necessary maneuvers".
"Now that you're walking down this street and focused on the path in front of you, suppose now that there is a helicopter above you."
"Although you are aware of which streets you need to take to arrive at your destination, the pilot of the helicopter can see what is currently going on in the places you haven't arrived at. Even though there isn't much communication between you and the pilot, if necessary, should you go down a street that will lead you to a dead end, the pilot will know before you, simply because of its range of vision. If you should continue down that path, somehow the pilot has a way of redirecting you."
We are all walking in this world, sometimes with a map, sometimes without one. We are the lone travelers on this earth, on a journey. God is the pilot of the helicopter, with exact and whole vision, He sees where we're going, what is happening there, and the best route for us to take in order to get there. Sure, He may not always share this information with us, perhaps we wouldn't listen when and if we got it. But trusting that there is a pilot that will re-direct us if we get lost is at the core of understanding our faith. We will travel to dead ends; God will allow us to be delayed. However, we should all know, when God delays us, it is simply so that all the arrangements can be made.
He sees the next move, the destination, and knows your strength. We will not walk longer than we need to, nor will we tire from our walk.
When there is nothing left but hope and faith, remember:
When God delays you, the arrangements are being worked out in us, through us, and for us.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Love and Relationships, Are They Overrated?
What is this thing called love...
As many of us bustle through our daily lives we find ourselves asking the eternal questions: Am I loved? Do I love well?
Okay maybe not in that language, but basically you get the point. When the world we live in promotes autonomy and and mis-interprets cooperation with codependence, where do we, the future 'elders' of our society fit in? I ask this question as I probe myself about what it really means to be "in love". Some may answer that it has to do with a feeling, while others may insist it is about the right mixture of personality traits, morals, and of course, equity. But I raise another quesiton, can another person really validate, comfort, and unconditionally love another? I am by no means a pessimist, but when black relationships are reduced to sexual adventures, and Judge Mablelean...the future does appear pretty bleak. Are we really that injured that we cannot find our way to fulfilling, respectful, enlightening, exciting partnership? Have we ever really known that in our community? Can we, as a generation reliant on technology and impulse really demonstrate the patients, practice, and loyalty that successful partnership requires?
I hope so. I need so. As a young single black woman with a desire to put more faith-filled, confident, successful, loving, compassionate, and self-loving youngsters in the world I realize how much we all really need each other. I also realize I cannot do it alone.
Brothers - Just because we don't see what you are doing doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. True manhood is defined in your ability to revere the creator and the role of all of its creation.
Sisters - We were given the womb for a reason - what you birth, will be what is given life - respect the gift you have been given.
Couples - Understand that a request for love is a healing act, not a desire to diminish your person. If you don't know how to...pick up a book, go for a run, get counseling, or ask someone you trust.
Let's commit ourselves to really finding a solution that will work. We are a people so powerful but so disconnected. My challenge to you would be to define love through action and not words. Let those that make you believe in the future see your commitment to them. Let your commitment to them be an observable act.
Thanks for reading my rant - I won't be sending you thousands of dollars from Microsoft, or be cursing you with bad luck, or even worse death, but if you think someone might want to, or need to read this please direct someone to this link.
I love you now, I will love you then, and I loved you first.
As many of us bustle through our daily lives we find ourselves asking the eternal questions: Am I loved? Do I love well?
Okay maybe not in that language, but basically you get the point. When the world we live in promotes autonomy and and mis-interprets cooperation with codependence, where do we, the future 'elders' of our society fit in? I ask this question as I probe myself about what it really means to be "in love". Some may answer that it has to do with a feeling, while others may insist it is about the right mixture of personality traits, morals, and of course, equity. But I raise another quesiton, can another person really validate, comfort, and unconditionally love another? I am by no means a pessimist, but when black relationships are reduced to sexual adventures, and Judge Mablelean...the future does appear pretty bleak. Are we really that injured that we cannot find our way to fulfilling, respectful, enlightening, exciting partnership? Have we ever really known that in our community? Can we, as a generation reliant on technology and impulse really demonstrate the patients, practice, and loyalty that successful partnership requires?
I hope so. I need so. As a young single black woman with a desire to put more faith-filled, confident, successful, loving, compassionate, and self-loving youngsters in the world I realize how much we all really need each other. I also realize I cannot do it alone.
Brothers - Just because we don't see what you are doing doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. True manhood is defined in your ability to revere the creator and the role of all of its creation.
Sisters - We were given the womb for a reason - what you birth, will be what is given life - respect the gift you have been given.
Couples - Understand that a request for love is a healing act, not a desire to diminish your person. If you don't know how to...pick up a book, go for a run, get counseling, or ask someone you trust.
Let's commit ourselves to really finding a solution that will work. We are a people so powerful but so disconnected. My challenge to you would be to define love through action and not words. Let those that make you believe in the future see your commitment to them. Let your commitment to them be an observable act.
Thanks for reading my rant - I won't be sending you thousands of dollars from Microsoft, or be cursing you with bad luck, or even worse death, but if you think someone might want to, or need to read this please direct someone to this link.
I love you now, I will love you then, and I loved you first.
The Settlemate
No, it's not an ugly divorce proceeding; no it's not the contract on a new house; and no, it's not an agreement that two people make. It's the person we let into our lives because loneliness has set in and we don't want to keep sleeping in the bed alone.
I would be remiss if I acted like a settlemate has not creeped into my life....more than once. It's a quite interesting experience as far as I am concerned. The equation goes a little something like:
Loneliness Boredom Any Available Person (Man) = Settlemate.
Maybe I'm the only one...although I doubt it.
Today is a new day; I've decided that's enough settlemates for one lifetime. I made this decision not out of anger, but out of a true desire to love a man for who he is and not to have him in my life simply to fill a space. This is an extremely difficult decision for many women to make because it requires that we look reality in the face and not to let fear force into a decision that we will regret later. Sure, some settlemates have helped me curb the loneliness but there is nothing worse than looking up after several months have passed and realizing that the person who is now taking up more than half of your bed is not the person you want there in the morning. Can I get an Amen?
As tempting as it may seem, the settlemate isn't really a solution. He or She knows a couple of things about you that maybe you haven't even realized yet....lemme break down what they see:
1. You are lonely.
2. You have given up on the idea that you can have the love you want.
3. Somewhere, you lack courage.
4. You are not really that into them.
5. If the partner you really desired came along...you would dump them!
How do I know what a settlemate thinks? Because I've been one. I've known that a man has had me in his life to "fill space" and some of the ways I handled what I think should be appropriately called "using someone's love and time" is that I capitalized on his loneliness. That's right, I did it, I admit it. This is the danger of the settlemate: they know you're not that into them so they attempt to get whatever they want from you in "exchange" for what you are taking from them. This deal is not only problematic but can leave you questioning your sanity! So tell me...
Are you settling with someone now? Have you ever settled in the past to curb loneliness? How did the settlemate re-arrange your thoughts on love?
I would be remiss if I acted like a settlemate has not creeped into my life....more than once. It's a quite interesting experience as far as I am concerned. The equation goes a little something like:
Loneliness Boredom Any Available Person (Man) = Settlemate.
Maybe I'm the only one...although I doubt it.
Today is a new day; I've decided that's enough settlemates for one lifetime. I made this decision not out of anger, but out of a true desire to love a man for who he is and not to have him in my life simply to fill a space. This is an extremely difficult decision for many women to make because it requires that we look reality in the face and not to let fear force into a decision that we will regret later. Sure, some settlemates have helped me curb the loneliness but there is nothing worse than looking up after several months have passed and realizing that the person who is now taking up more than half of your bed is not the person you want there in the morning. Can I get an Amen?
As tempting as it may seem, the settlemate isn't really a solution. He or She knows a couple of things about you that maybe you haven't even realized yet....lemme break down what they see:
1. You are lonely.
2. You have given up on the idea that you can have the love you want.
3. Somewhere, you lack courage.
4. You are not really that into them.
5. If the partner you really desired came along...you would dump them!
How do I know what a settlemate thinks? Because I've been one. I've known that a man has had me in his life to "fill space" and some of the ways I handled what I think should be appropriately called "using someone's love and time" is that I capitalized on his loneliness. That's right, I did it, I admit it. This is the danger of the settlemate: they know you're not that into them so they attempt to get whatever they want from you in "exchange" for what you are taking from them. This deal is not only problematic but can leave you questioning your sanity! So tell me...
Are you settling with someone now? Have you ever settled in the past to curb loneliness? How did the settlemate re-arrange your thoughts on love?
White Collar Men vs. Blue Collar Men
The White Collar Brotha
I can't deny, something about a man who has moved through the ranks of society and established himself as a professional just screams "great catch" at first sight. When out and about, I meet brothas who can list off their accomplishments, education, travels, and as a black woman the first feeling I have is pride. I'm thinking to myself "go on boy wit yo' bad self!". On the surface, I admire his tenacity, resilience, and determination because as a professional woman I know it ain't easy out here. On the other hand, he urkes me. Why? Might you ask. Well let me tell you a bit about some of these brothas beyond the surface:
1.) Watch how his success automatically equates him with being entitled. Oh yes, I said it. Somehow these brothas act like because they were able to get through 4, 6, or 8 years of school suddenly the world revolves around him. He can be egotistical, judgemental, and plain ole snobby!
2.) Have you ever asked him to change a light bulb, take out your trash, or paint your walls with you? I have, and I have received responses from "oh yeah, I'll help you" only to not get the help, or "why should I do it if I can pay someone to do it?" or the worst "you're independent, you don't need my help!" Ugh!
3.) He thinks he's such a hot commodity that he refuses to make a sincere effort at establishing a relationship with just one woman. Somehow, because he has a job with benefits he thinks he can have his "pick of women" and ultimately he becomes a serial dater....ladies be ware!
The Blue Collar Brotha
I consider myself a free agent, and as such, I try to date diverse men. With that said, I have had relationships with men who were not educated, lacked a permanent "job title or profession" and overall, do not appear like they would be equally yoked with a professional woman. And yet, my friends, and some of my family members have found themselves over come with love and admiration for these men. Hmmmm....what gives....I'lll tell you a bit about these men:
1.) They are not bound by what they appear to be. These men tend to have more substance, and as a result, are generally available to meet a woman's needs. Because he's not consumed with spitting off where he went to school, what people he has networked with and how often he watches the market, he tends to see his role in the relationship more clearly.
2.) I can ask him to be a man and he's not insulted, on the contrary he is willing and able. This means when I ask for my car to be washed he finds it rewarding to "take care of his woman". If I need him to protect me from others (co-workers, family, or friends) he steps up because he cherishes me.
3.) He does not see me as a "money maker" and acknowledges me as "his woman". These brothas decided not to run the rat race and as a result seem to enjoy the simplier things in life: making love on a rainy day, a good hot meal, a backrub for those achy joints, and a "thank you for taking my car to the mechanic baby" more than the white collar dudes.
By now you can probably tell I favor a blue collar brotha any day over a white collar brotha. You may even be wondering why I don't just go out and find me one. My answer to your question? They've been snatched up already by smart women who got to them before me! So tell me FH fam:
Do you prefer a white collar brotha to a blue collar brotha and why? Next question, Do you agree with my generalizations regarding blue/white collar brothas or do you disagree? Fellas: why is it that when you get educated you start acting like you're God's gift to the world? Edify me....please!
I can't deny, something about a man who has moved through the ranks of society and established himself as a professional just screams "great catch" at first sight. When out and about, I meet brothas who can list off their accomplishments, education, travels, and as a black woman the first feeling I have is pride. I'm thinking to myself "go on boy wit yo' bad self!". On the surface, I admire his tenacity, resilience, and determination because as a professional woman I know it ain't easy out here. On the other hand, he urkes me. Why? Might you ask. Well let me tell you a bit about some of these brothas beyond the surface:
1.) Watch how his success automatically equates him with being entitled. Oh yes, I said it. Somehow these brothas act like because they were able to get through 4, 6, or 8 years of school suddenly the world revolves around him. He can be egotistical, judgemental, and plain ole snobby!
2.) Have you ever asked him to change a light bulb, take out your trash, or paint your walls with you? I have, and I have received responses from "oh yeah, I'll help you" only to not get the help, or "why should I do it if I can pay someone to do it?" or the worst "you're independent, you don't need my help!" Ugh!
3.) He thinks he's such a hot commodity that he refuses to make a sincere effort at establishing a relationship with just one woman. Somehow, because he has a job with benefits he thinks he can have his "pick of women" and ultimately he becomes a serial dater....ladies be ware!
The Blue Collar Brotha
I consider myself a free agent, and as such, I try to date diverse men. With that said, I have had relationships with men who were not educated, lacked a permanent "job title or profession" and overall, do not appear like they would be equally yoked with a professional woman. And yet, my friends, and some of my family members have found themselves over come with love and admiration for these men. Hmmmm....what gives....I'lll tell you a bit about these men:
1.) They are not bound by what they appear to be. These men tend to have more substance, and as a result, are generally available to meet a woman's needs. Because he's not consumed with spitting off where he went to school, what people he has networked with and how often he watches the market, he tends to see his role in the relationship more clearly.
2.) I can ask him to be a man and he's not insulted, on the contrary he is willing and able. This means when I ask for my car to be washed he finds it rewarding to "take care of his woman". If I need him to protect me from others (co-workers, family, or friends) he steps up because he cherishes me.
3.) He does not see me as a "money maker" and acknowledges me as "his woman". These brothas decided not to run the rat race and as a result seem to enjoy the simplier things in life: making love on a rainy day, a good hot meal, a backrub for those achy joints, and a "thank you for taking my car to the mechanic baby" more than the white collar dudes.
By now you can probably tell I favor a blue collar brotha any day over a white collar brotha. You may even be wondering why I don't just go out and find me one. My answer to your question? They've been snatched up already by smart women who got to them before me! So tell me FH fam:
Do you prefer a white collar brotha to a blue collar brotha and why? Next question, Do you agree with my generalizations regarding blue/white collar brothas or do you disagree? Fellas: why is it that when you get educated you start acting like you're God's gift to the world? Edify me....please!
Just Call Me Salacious
Hitting the dating scene takes courage. Let's all face it: we dread the idea of being mistreated, not feelin the chemistry, or worse, feelin the chemistry and it being unrequited.
But what about those little details? They get us all: this one is a little "breezy" while the other "talks only about themselves" while another is just a little too "abrasive" all these can be deemed "turn offs". But there is another element to dating I haven't heard much talk about: The Salacious Woman.
We've discussed time and again about how gender roles in the 21st century are all twisted. We've also discussed the overbearing "grey area" and even discussed a bit or two about the way our bodies are perceived, someone's availability (i.e., married people acting single), and how much a brother should have in his pocket in order to impress a woman.
But what about the Salacious Woman? Have you ever met a woman and thought to yourself: "Damn she's sexy!"? Maybe it was her cow eyes, magnificent stride, or the draw and tone of her voice. Perhaps she even has the audacity to have all these components. Your salivating over her, she's giving you the jitters with every bat of an eyelash and boy, your jumping in all the right places!
But what about the Salacious Woman?
While she is the epitome of fantasy, and most times sought after, does she receive marriage proposals too? We all know, that some men subscribe to the old addage "A lady in the streets...a freak in the sheets..." But what if your woman oozes confidence, sensuality, sexuality, and fire? What if when you see her you know that no matter what she says you really ain't listening, and no matter how far you drove to meet her, you're already thinking about when you're coming back to look, smell, and hopefully touch her. Is she marriage material.
Sex sells, but they forget to mention being salacious is genetic. While many women hit the gym, read all through magazines, there is simply "something" about some women that ignite pure sexuality in the opposite sex. Hell! She ignites sexuality in the same sex! I call it: The Halle Berry Effect. Men love to worship her for her beauty and yet she was in three very public, failed relationships. Her men, beat, cheated, and disposed of her without warning. Yes, she was Halle Berry, and yet, that didn't seem to matter.
No offense, but I've seen enough women who are NOT salacious with attractive, successful men which begs the question in me: do men like to sleep with some women, regardless of their quality as a woman just because their salacious? Are they willing to marry those same women? Or are all the wives supposed to homely? (It's just semantics...don't get offended...but if the shoe fits....)
msb.
But what about those little details? They get us all: this one is a little "breezy" while the other "talks only about themselves" while another is just a little too "abrasive" all these can be deemed "turn offs". But there is another element to dating I haven't heard much talk about: The Salacious Woman.
We've discussed time and again about how gender roles in the 21st century are all twisted. We've also discussed the overbearing "grey area" and even discussed a bit or two about the way our bodies are perceived, someone's availability (i.e., married people acting single), and how much a brother should have in his pocket in order to impress a woman.
But what about the Salacious Woman? Have you ever met a woman and thought to yourself: "Damn she's sexy!"? Maybe it was her cow eyes, magnificent stride, or the draw and tone of her voice. Perhaps she even has the audacity to have all these components. Your salivating over her, she's giving you the jitters with every bat of an eyelash and boy, your jumping in all the right places!
But what about the Salacious Woman?
While she is the epitome of fantasy, and most times sought after, does she receive marriage proposals too? We all know, that some men subscribe to the old addage "A lady in the streets...a freak in the sheets..." But what if your woman oozes confidence, sensuality, sexuality, and fire? What if when you see her you know that no matter what she says you really ain't listening, and no matter how far you drove to meet her, you're already thinking about when you're coming back to look, smell, and hopefully touch her. Is she marriage material.
Sex sells, but they forget to mention being salacious is genetic. While many women hit the gym, read all through magazines, there is simply "something" about some women that ignite pure sexuality in the opposite sex. Hell! She ignites sexuality in the same sex! I call it: The Halle Berry Effect. Men love to worship her for her beauty and yet she was in three very public, failed relationships. Her men, beat, cheated, and disposed of her without warning. Yes, she was Halle Berry, and yet, that didn't seem to matter.
No offense, but I've seen enough women who are NOT salacious with attractive, successful men which begs the question in me: do men like to sleep with some women, regardless of their quality as a woman just because their salacious? Are they willing to marry those same women? Or are all the wives supposed to homely? (It's just semantics...don't get offended...but if the shoe fits....)
msb.
The Mystery of Passion
Perhaps I simply have too much time on my hands. Maybe I think too hard, read too many books or listen to too many stories about love, loss, and our courageous attempts to get it back again. Maybe I'm wrong, afterall, I present mostly theory, no hardcore evidence. What if, instead of that one night of passion, I insist on a lifetime of love?
Passion, is to me, is the sweetest nectar. It brings joy and life to every cell in my body. Physical connection to a man? Well, there's just no other experience more delicious than feeling the power, instensity, and moisture of a man as he rocks me through his physical journey. His journey propels me out of the universe, rocks me through waves of ectasy, and soothes me through each pain, every worry, and all the tender spots that I left un-attended. Oh yes, I have had nights, a few, I must admit, when the man that held me, stroked me, found me, tore me apart, and put me back together again had me shaking, trembling, and cleaving his every limb...hoping that we never disconnect. I lingered on every touch, sensation, and the pure bliss of the electricity pulsating through each part of our organism.
And when the vortex subsided and my moisture becomes a dew,
I rest.
When I awaken, I am strong, I am vibrant, I am full of life.
I am alone.
So what did I really want?
To be fucked?
Or to be loved?
Passion, is to me, is the sweetest nectar. It brings joy and life to every cell in my body. Physical connection to a man? Well, there's just no other experience more delicious than feeling the power, instensity, and moisture of a man as he rocks me through his physical journey. His journey propels me out of the universe, rocks me through waves of ectasy, and soothes me through each pain, every worry, and all the tender spots that I left un-attended. Oh yes, I have had nights, a few, I must admit, when the man that held me, stroked me, found me, tore me apart, and put me back together again had me shaking, trembling, and cleaving his every limb...hoping that we never disconnect. I lingered on every touch, sensation, and the pure bliss of the electricity pulsating through each part of our organism.
And when the vortex subsided and my moisture becomes a dew,
I rest.
When I awaken, I am strong, I am vibrant, I am full of life.
I am alone.
So what did I really want?
To be fucked?
Or to be loved?
This is a Love Letter...
I am a woman. W - 0 - M - A- N. I am free to desire, define, and decide on my womanhood. I AM. I live free from the patriarchial descriptions of who I am...I understand the Passion of Being a Woman. And yet, in your Bible, Quran, Constitution, or even in your mind, I am not a woman, but your object.
I cannot serve you. I am here to help. I do not want to be needed, I desire for you to desire me. Not for attention, but because I do the rest for myself, just fine, thank you. I understand you, feel you, and love you. I just cannot tolerate your manipulation of those gifts. I see you. In the dark, alone, happy, and even distressed. Don't punish me for seeing you. I pray for you. Not just for your well being, but for you to have the strength to be who you are meant to be. I do not, however, idolize you. I am content just being me, a woman, every 28 days.
Please do not blame me. It is not wrong of me to love you. Lest you consider yourselves loveless. I did not abandon you. I did not make you alone, but struggled to keep you well. I ask only that you receive your gifts and use them abundantly.
Where are you? Have I lost you? I have never strayed or wondered anywhere else; I wait patiently for you. I have accepted your judgment and resisted your wrath. Come back to me.
This is a letter to my brothers, fathers, men, and lovers.
I cannot serve you. I am here to help. I do not want to be needed, I desire for you to desire me. Not for attention, but because I do the rest for myself, just fine, thank you. I understand you, feel you, and love you. I just cannot tolerate your manipulation of those gifts. I see you. In the dark, alone, happy, and even distressed. Don't punish me for seeing you. I pray for you. Not just for your well being, but for you to have the strength to be who you are meant to be. I do not, however, idolize you. I am content just being me, a woman, every 28 days.
Please do not blame me. It is not wrong of me to love you. Lest you consider yourselves loveless. I did not abandon you. I did not make you alone, but struggled to keep you well. I ask only that you receive your gifts and use them abundantly.
Where are you? Have I lost you? I have never strayed or wondered anywhere else; I wait patiently for you. I have accepted your judgment and resisted your wrath. Come back to me.
This is a letter to my brothers, fathers, men, and lovers.
Everybody, Is Somebody's Bitch
Everybody is somebody's bitch.
Period.
Oh yes, you have found yourself surrendering, giving, handling, tolerating, driving, silencing, cooking for someone whose love was unrequited. Why? Because EVERYONE is somebody's bitch.
Look, the time of denial is over. Yes, you want to believe that you have complete power over every decision that you make, but oh, you are under someone else's spell. It doesn't have to be love, sex, or even money...they just have you.
And you've got someone too. Everybody is somebody's bitch. As the benefactor you minimize. "Oh he just likes to do those things for me; She has it, so she feels open to sharing it....." All the while knowing you would not do for that person a tenth of what they are doing for you. Why? Because they're your bitch. And you? You're someone else's bitch. As the donor, well, you make excuses. You tell yourself..."he would do it for me...if she had it she would give it to me". See...you specialize in lies. The worst part? The only one being decieved is you. Why? Because you can't be powerful, amazing you without balancing....so you've gotta be bitched...it's all about the balance really.
So while we pretend to want to balance the scales, have a moment of honesty...okay for some a moment is too long...so you go ahead and take 5 seconds of honesty then. Remember when you were being bitched? What is that word you were feeling again? Oh yeah, I know....vulnerable. Well, your bitch is feeling that way right now...RIGHT NOW! While you're accepting gifts, not returning calls, or laughing to yourself or someone else about how "dumb" this person is for being your bitch...remember...
You're somebody's BITCH too.
Period.
Oh yes, you have found yourself surrendering, giving, handling, tolerating, driving, silencing, cooking for someone whose love was unrequited. Why? Because EVERYONE is somebody's bitch.
Look, the time of denial is over. Yes, you want to believe that you have complete power over every decision that you make, but oh, you are under someone else's spell. It doesn't have to be love, sex, or even money...they just have you.
And you've got someone too. Everybody is somebody's bitch. As the benefactor you minimize. "Oh he just likes to do those things for me; She has it, so she feels open to sharing it....." All the while knowing you would not do for that person a tenth of what they are doing for you. Why? Because they're your bitch. And you? You're someone else's bitch. As the donor, well, you make excuses. You tell yourself..."he would do it for me...if she had it she would give it to me". See...you specialize in lies. The worst part? The only one being decieved is you. Why? Because you can't be powerful, amazing you without balancing....so you've gotta be bitched...it's all about the balance really.
So while we pretend to want to balance the scales, have a moment of honesty...okay for some a moment is too long...so you go ahead and take 5 seconds of honesty then. Remember when you were being bitched? What is that word you were feeling again? Oh yeah, I know....vulnerable. Well, your bitch is feeling that way right now...RIGHT NOW! While you're accepting gifts, not returning calls, or laughing to yourself or someone else about how "dumb" this person is for being your bitch...remember...
You're somebody's BITCH too.
What's Up With the New School Man?
To say that men have changed in the 21st century is an understatement. I love spending time with my 86 year old grandmother. I listen with envy as she tells stories of her single days; they sound nothing like mine! Her memories are colored with remnants of men paying the milk man in order to impress her, buying her grocceries and leaving them on her doorstep, and even giving her complete access to their bank accounts to use at her pleasure.
But really though, there is much conversation about how women have changed. But what about the way in which men have reduced their efforts in order to gain the approval or admiration of a woman? A few examples of modern day courting sound a little like this: "Hey what's up, why don't you meet me at the spot?" or "Can we go Dutch?" or my favorite, "I mean I was just sayin' why can't we just chill at your house?"
What happend to courting? What happend to showing a woman why you should become a part of her life? Where has the idea of impressing women gone? How did we loose you fellas? What did we loose you to? Money? Other men? Too much access to sex? The internet? What is it?
I really want to know...you have our complete attention...we are listening.
But really though, there is much conversation about how women have changed. But what about the way in which men have reduced their efforts in order to gain the approval or admiration of a woman? A few examples of modern day courting sound a little like this: "Hey what's up, why don't you meet me at the spot?" or "Can we go Dutch?" or my favorite, "I mean I was just sayin' why can't we just chill at your house?"
What happend to courting? What happend to showing a woman why you should become a part of her life? Where has the idea of impressing women gone? How did we loose you fellas? What did we loose you to? Money? Other men? Too much access to sex? The internet? What is it?
I really want to know...you have our complete attention...we are listening.
Are We Trying to Clone or Heal?
Each time a long term relationship or a relationship that has had a deep effect on me comes to an end, I, like every adult seeking empowerment, do an assessment. Invariably, I find that many of the traits and aspects of the person I have just ended a relationship with are the same traits and aspects that caused me to end the last relationship, and the one before that, and the one before that….
The Pattern
I find myself attracted to men who at their best are confident, ambitious, articulate, intelligent, passionate, and frank. At their worst, those same men were insensitive, selfish, unavailable, manipulative, disrespectful, and at times cold.
I blamed myself for a long time for “always attracting the same man” and had resolved that no matter what, I was destined to be challenged because, I, was cloning this unloving experience. No doubt, this type of feeling was fatalistic and depressing. It lead me into several sexual hiatuses, the church (don’t front, some of us find the Lord when we’ve lost a love), and even into relationships with people whom I felt no spark with in an effort to not be alone. Obviously, I wasn’t dealing to well.
The “Ah Ha” Moment
Then after I was feeling the pain of another abandonment, I was sulking on the couch watching The Oprah Winfrey Show and saw a psychotherapist named Harvel Hendricks discussing his couples therapy technique: Imago Therapy, which evaluates why patterns in relationships seem to cripple so many of us. In his segment he quoted a phrase that has stayed with me since: “the deeper the wound, the stronger the bond”. I was floored. Oprah asked him to expound, and I’m paraphrasing here, but he went on to explain: “each of us has a set of experiences from our childhood where we were wounded by our caretakers. In an effort to survive, our mind coaches us through the wound and provides us with enough resolve to get through it. Although the wound is not healed, we do, in some miraculous way, discover a way to get past the hurt. Until, that is, cupid’s arrow pricks us.” Dr. Hendricks went on further, “When nature attracts us to a particular person, what we are experiencing is a Divine appointment to heal what was wounded when we were children. As a matter of fact, the person for which we fall madly in love with will possess the very characteristics of the caretaker that had the most profound impact on us as children. Our first reaction, once nature’s anesthesia has worn off, will be to run, or free ourselves from this person who is touching on the tenderest part of our souls: our unhealed wounds, but, if we are open and reflective with our partner, communicating our needs and asking for their support, our partners stand to heal us in a way that no other person can: completely”. Thus, according to Hendricks theory our patterns are really our souls reaching out for healing and not a matter of flimsy will, poor choices, or desperation. And then I breathed. I took the deepest, most validating breath. I breathed the air of peace, hope, and strength. I knew, in that moment, that I wasn’t some relationship lame who could not make wise choices. I was, like every other person in this world, a human being longing to be made whole through the healing of deep wounds.
A New Approach to Love
Once I was armed with these new truths regarding why we continue to choose who we choose I began to take a new approach to love. First, I ran right out and got Hendrick's books: Getting the Love You Want, and Keeping the Love You Find and researched who I am, and what my needs/wounds were and the type of person that would ultimately catch my soul’s eye. I then began to work with my soul instead of against it knowing in advance what my relationship challenges were going to be and how to educate my partner on how to get around those challenges. I forgave myself for every relationship and all the emotional turmoil I experienced and accepted them as work my soul was trying to complete. Have I gotten married? No. But with this soul work, I realized marriage is not the goal, but another destination on a greater journey: healing Fatima (btw…that’s me…lol).
Do I clone? Absolutely. Will I continue to clone? With better judgment, and clearer vision. Will I heal? Definitely. Is that love? Unconditionally.
“…sighs…wipes her eyes…says a silent prayer…pats herself on the back…and thanks God for Grace….”
Psalm 138:8
“The Lord will perfect that which concerns me…”
The Pattern
I find myself attracted to men who at their best are confident, ambitious, articulate, intelligent, passionate, and frank. At their worst, those same men were insensitive, selfish, unavailable, manipulative, disrespectful, and at times cold.
I blamed myself for a long time for “always attracting the same man” and had resolved that no matter what, I was destined to be challenged because, I, was cloning this unloving experience. No doubt, this type of feeling was fatalistic and depressing. It lead me into several sexual hiatuses, the church (don’t front, some of us find the Lord when we’ve lost a love), and even into relationships with people whom I felt no spark with in an effort to not be alone. Obviously, I wasn’t dealing to well.
The “Ah Ha” Moment
Then after I was feeling the pain of another abandonment, I was sulking on the couch watching The Oprah Winfrey Show and saw a psychotherapist named Harvel Hendricks discussing his couples therapy technique: Imago Therapy, which evaluates why patterns in relationships seem to cripple so many of us. In his segment he quoted a phrase that has stayed with me since: “the deeper the wound, the stronger the bond”. I was floored. Oprah asked him to expound, and I’m paraphrasing here, but he went on to explain: “each of us has a set of experiences from our childhood where we were wounded by our caretakers. In an effort to survive, our mind coaches us through the wound and provides us with enough resolve to get through it. Although the wound is not healed, we do, in some miraculous way, discover a way to get past the hurt. Until, that is, cupid’s arrow pricks us.” Dr. Hendricks went on further, “When nature attracts us to a particular person, what we are experiencing is a Divine appointment to heal what was wounded when we were children. As a matter of fact, the person for which we fall madly in love with will possess the very characteristics of the caretaker that had the most profound impact on us as children. Our first reaction, once nature’s anesthesia has worn off, will be to run, or free ourselves from this person who is touching on the tenderest part of our souls: our unhealed wounds, but, if we are open and reflective with our partner, communicating our needs and asking for their support, our partners stand to heal us in a way that no other person can: completely”. Thus, according to Hendricks theory our patterns are really our souls reaching out for healing and not a matter of flimsy will, poor choices, or desperation. And then I breathed. I took the deepest, most validating breath. I breathed the air of peace, hope, and strength. I knew, in that moment, that I wasn’t some relationship lame who could not make wise choices. I was, like every other person in this world, a human being longing to be made whole through the healing of deep wounds.
A New Approach to Love
Once I was armed with these new truths regarding why we continue to choose who we choose I began to take a new approach to love. First, I ran right out and got Hendrick's books: Getting the Love You Want, and Keeping the Love You Find and researched who I am, and what my needs/wounds were and the type of person that would ultimately catch my soul’s eye. I then began to work with my soul instead of against it knowing in advance what my relationship challenges were going to be and how to educate my partner on how to get around those challenges. I forgave myself for every relationship and all the emotional turmoil I experienced and accepted them as work my soul was trying to complete. Have I gotten married? No. But with this soul work, I realized marriage is not the goal, but another destination on a greater journey: healing Fatima (btw…that’s me…lol).
Do I clone? Absolutely. Will I continue to clone? With better judgment, and clearer vision. Will I heal? Definitely. Is that love? Unconditionally.
“…sighs…wipes her eyes…says a silent prayer…pats herself on the back…and thanks God for Grace….”
Psalm 138:8
“The Lord will perfect that which concerns me…”
New School Woman....Old School Gender Roles
"Welcome home Honey! How was your day? Can I take your jacket? Let me get you a scotch...dinner will be ready in a few! Me? Oh I'm fine now that you're here! Yes, the kids...well they're washed up and in bed. Oh is that what you want? Okay...In the bedroom? The kitchen? Oh! Right here? Okay...let me get a pillow for my knees..."
You have just read my synopsis of what it seems everyman fantasizes about at one time or another: The Perfect Woman. You know who I'm talking about: a splash of Claire Huxtable, a little Florida Evans, and a whole lot of Vanessa Del Rio.
As a dating woman approaching thirty, I often ask myself: does this woman really exist? In my early twenties, I have to admit, I had dreams of becoming this woman. I wanted to be everything my man wanted from me and more. What I got was forty extra pounds of worry, isolation, and fear. In my mid twenties, while I was getting a graduate degree, I did my best to play the part only to be involved with a man who always wanted more.
As I approach 30, I'm letting that woman live where she belongs: in T.V.Land.
Were these images created to prevent normal working women from asking to be protected, cared, and provided for? Have we, as a nation, ruled by technology and television insisted on the "fantasy" of the perfect woman rather than the real thing? I wonder....
I am a woman. Bonified. Emotional. Resilient. Fragile. Verbose. Sensual. Graceful. Soft. Unpredictable. Spiritual.
I am also this woman: Assertive. Proud. Arrogant. Egotistical. Demanding.
How does a girl reconcile the two?
How, when the dating pool is flooded with folks who'd rather stick to old school pretentions about women, absent of new school traits, does a new school gal get a man?
You know, the woman Neo's talking about...Miss Independent. Notice, though, she isn't Mrs. Indpendent. So that begs the question...Is all the hoopla about independent women only a facade? Do men actually want to be with a woman who is demure, quiet, and who sticks to the old school gender roles?
Before you answer or jump to conclusions, just remember, the old school gal had nothing on the house or the car note. She wasn't able to help you strategize your way up the corporate latter, and no, she didn't feel comfortable letting the freak out....it was against her religion.
Come on...weigh in...New School Woman or Old School Gender Roles?
You have just read my synopsis of what it seems everyman fantasizes about at one time or another: The Perfect Woman. You know who I'm talking about: a splash of Claire Huxtable, a little Florida Evans, and a whole lot of Vanessa Del Rio.
As a dating woman approaching thirty, I often ask myself: does this woman really exist? In my early twenties, I have to admit, I had dreams of becoming this woman. I wanted to be everything my man wanted from me and more. What I got was forty extra pounds of worry, isolation, and fear. In my mid twenties, while I was getting a graduate degree, I did my best to play the part only to be involved with a man who always wanted more.
As I approach 30, I'm letting that woman live where she belongs: in T.V.Land.
Were these images created to prevent normal working women from asking to be protected, cared, and provided for? Have we, as a nation, ruled by technology and television insisted on the "fantasy" of the perfect woman rather than the real thing? I wonder....
I am a woman. Bonified. Emotional. Resilient. Fragile. Verbose. Sensual. Graceful. Soft. Unpredictable. Spiritual.
I am also this woman: Assertive. Proud. Arrogant. Egotistical. Demanding.
How does a girl reconcile the two?
How, when the dating pool is flooded with folks who'd rather stick to old school pretentions about women, absent of new school traits, does a new school gal get a man?
You know, the woman Neo's talking about...Miss Independent. Notice, though, she isn't Mrs. Indpendent. So that begs the question...Is all the hoopla about independent women only a facade? Do men actually want to be with a woman who is demure, quiet, and who sticks to the old school gender roles?
Before you answer or jump to conclusions, just remember, the old school gal had nothing on the house or the car note. She wasn't able to help you strategize your way up the corporate latter, and no, she didn't feel comfortable letting the freak out....it was against her religion.
Come on...weigh in...New School Woman or Old School Gender Roles?
I Never Thought Rejection Could Feel So Good!
How many times have I dated, only to be stirring in the subsequent 24 hours with a mirage of questions: "Did he like me?"..."I wonder what he thought?"..."Did I talk too much?"
After reading Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man I decided to jump right out there and ask some of those hard questions of my date following what I would call: a luke warm connection. I thought, what better way to prove Steve Harvey right or wrong then to try it out. After all, I had absolutely nothing to loose.
My experiement, however, did not come without a bit of fear. I was totally worried that I would look "desperate" or "pushy" for asking my date to articulate what his thoughts were about our date.
I didn't wait for the "courtesy call" I went ahead and called him. This is how it went:
Me: Hey ____ ! How are you?
Him: Good! It's nice to hear from you?
Me: So I was calling to see what you thought about our date yesterday.
Him: Yeah, I've been thinking about it a lot since then...you are a very beautiful woman.
Me: Thanks! So what were your thougths, what did you think of me?
Him: Hmmm....well...how should I say this? (awkward silence) I'm having a hard time saying this...let me get my thoughts together.
Me: Okay...(although very difficult...complete silence from me)
Him: You are an extremely beautiful woman. If I was younger, well, I would have no problem trying to see you. (translation: sleep with you) But, well, for what I want to do with myself right now....
Me: I don't understand, can you explain further?
Him: Well, you are so beautiful, you have great energy, I think you are very smart. I just think for where I am, well I don't think we would make a good match.
Me: Well, thank you! I really appreciate your honesty! You know, if you're ever in the area...don't hesistate to call. It would be nice to hang out some time!
Him: I will definately take you up on that!
Me: I really mean it, well, take care, have a wonderful week!
Him: Thanks, you too, and I really enjoyed meeting you.
All this time dating, I thought it was inappropiate to ask. And here, after this conversation I felt empowered! I realized, that all along, dating, has been difficult because I haven't asked for answers to the pressing questions I had. I have, throughout my twenties assumed that the man would know what I wanted to know, and further, tell me. Although this date according to both our accounts was not "love at first sight" I still wanted to know how it went. I wanted to know, in so many words, what it was like to experience a date with me. And yes, while he might not have felt a spark, my esteem, my hopes for meeting someone new and establishing a connection were somehow kept in tact.
Now that's a MAN.
I think women, especially black women, get a bad rep for seeming demanding or further sometimes even manipulative. I offer, if these stereotypes fit you, then clean it up some. Ask the questions you want to know the answers to! You have a right! Let the man feel like he has a voice in this and further, that just because you're both single you don't expect him to "bun you up!"
I have called since my "rejection" from said date and wished him well, inquired on how he was doing and how his "search" for a mate has been going. The best part of this rejection? I may not have found "the one" but I certainly gained a friend.
I never knew rejection could feel so good!
After reading Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man I decided to jump right out there and ask some of those hard questions of my date following what I would call: a luke warm connection. I thought, what better way to prove Steve Harvey right or wrong then to try it out. After all, I had absolutely nothing to loose.
My experiement, however, did not come without a bit of fear. I was totally worried that I would look "desperate" or "pushy" for asking my date to articulate what his thoughts were about our date.
I didn't wait for the "courtesy call" I went ahead and called him. This is how it went:
Me: Hey ____ ! How are you?
Him: Good! It's nice to hear from you?
Me: So I was calling to see what you thought about our date yesterday.
Him: Yeah, I've been thinking about it a lot since then...you are a very beautiful woman.
Me: Thanks! So what were your thougths, what did you think of me?
Him: Hmmm....well...how should I say this? (awkward silence) I'm having a hard time saying this...let me get my thoughts together.
Me: Okay...(although very difficult...complete silence from me)
Him: You are an extremely beautiful woman. If I was younger, well, I would have no problem trying to see you. (translation: sleep with you) But, well, for what I want to do with myself right now....
Me: I don't understand, can you explain further?
Him: Well, you are so beautiful, you have great energy, I think you are very smart. I just think for where I am, well I don't think we would make a good match.
Me: Well, thank you! I really appreciate your honesty! You know, if you're ever in the area...don't hesistate to call. It would be nice to hang out some time!
Him: I will definately take you up on that!
Me: I really mean it, well, take care, have a wonderful week!
Him: Thanks, you too, and I really enjoyed meeting you.
All this time dating, I thought it was inappropiate to ask. And here, after this conversation I felt empowered! I realized, that all along, dating, has been difficult because I haven't asked for answers to the pressing questions I had. I have, throughout my twenties assumed that the man would know what I wanted to know, and further, tell me. Although this date according to both our accounts was not "love at first sight" I still wanted to know how it went. I wanted to know, in so many words, what it was like to experience a date with me. And yes, while he might not have felt a spark, my esteem, my hopes for meeting someone new and establishing a connection were somehow kept in tact.
Now that's a MAN.
I think women, especially black women, get a bad rep for seeming demanding or further sometimes even manipulative. I offer, if these stereotypes fit you, then clean it up some. Ask the questions you want to know the answers to! You have a right! Let the man feel like he has a voice in this and further, that just because you're both single you don't expect him to "bun you up!"
I have called since my "rejection" from said date and wished him well, inquired on how he was doing and how his "search" for a mate has been going. The best part of this rejection? I may not have found "the one" but I certainly gained a friend.
I never knew rejection could feel so good!
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