When I hurt, I try to soothe myself. I find my outlets of encouragement through talking to friends, writing, and reading. The one thing I am working diligently on is not hurting others while I am hurt. This is a difficult task to say the least. It is easy to transfer anger, blindly thinking you are getting rid of it, but all the while you are simply spreading it to undeserving people.
Yesterday, in my heart, I ended a friendship with a person who has spent the better part of our twelve year friendship swinging from absolute admiration towards me, and despising me. I have tried to remain neutral throughout our friendship offering apologies where needed, and distance when there was no other option. I realize much of my tolerance towards them is in fact, due to a blind loyalty I have to those who have "stuck around" in my life. As I write this, I am becoming aware that this is just as unhealthy as a person who wreaks tension and havoc on others.
The thing is, I want to be loved. I believe this is the desire of each and every breathing person. However, when my desire to be loved blinds my ability to see that a person is unloving, and sometimes, hurtful, I have to set a boundary. It is my responsibility to take care of myself.
Because I am introverted at heart, many of my feelings are dealt with within the quietness of my heart and soul. I try my best to deal independently. There is a saying, some people are too hard on themselves, while others are hard on everyone else. I believe the former is true about me. Instead of lashing back at the one who has hurt me, I internalize the insult, behavior, or feeling. I have very little "protective gear" around my heart. For this reason, while I may not show it, I hurt deeply when others betray my love, friendship, or attempts at service.
The conflict in my heart is that I have a hard time deciding what to protect myself against and what to allow myself to feel. When someone makes a genuine gesture at showing love towards me, I become anxious, unable to trust their intention, and attempt to discredit their acts of kindness. On the other hand, when a person is mean, insults me, or betrays me, I believe their unloving words or works to be true. Hmmmm....
This must mean one thing: I believe in my heart that I am unlovable. Wow. For all of my 14 followers, I am making an admission that perhaps is something others wouldn't even tell their best friend or mother.
But this belief, has directed my instincts, my choices, and ultimately the relationships I have participated in. I have chosen to be involved with people who because of their own character flaws, addictions, or lack of mental health have helped to re-affirm this belief. The logical (because I'm always in my head) thing to do would be to practice discrediting this belief that I am unlovable. However, it's hard! I try. I really do. I've tried through accomplishments, relationships, service to my students and family, as well as in prayer. Each time attempting to validate why I am a "good person". Sometimes I'm successful, at other times, I can't even remember why I should even undertake such a task. This is the difficult work that should be left to a therapist I'm sure. But in reality, I don't know that a mantra, affirmation, or tears of admission could re-create this deep seeded belief.
I've tried The Secret, being religious, and even therapy. Still I struggle each day believing that I've "done enough" "am enough" and "deserving" of the good that the universe has. It is my hope that I will be able to see my true value through the lens of a person who understands that each of us is loving, lovable, and deserving of love. Perhaps this will be my "New Year's Resolution". Yeah, that's a good idea: this year, in 2010 I will spend 365 days saying one thing loving to myself in my journal. I will appreciate myself, I will validate myself, I will trust myself. I will banish feelings of anxiety when others are being loving to me, and I will refute and/or discredit unloving treatment.
I'm scared. Already I'm thinking I can't do this. I'll need your help. Perhaps a little encouragement. Maybe some accountability. Okay, yeah, that's a good idea, what if I have to write something loving to myself each day right here on my blog? That would be a great idea wouldn't it? I'd have to publicly profess my love for myself each day, right here! I think that is a great way to start!!!!!!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Are You a Good Friend?
Once in a while, there are people who come into your life that make you wonder: "where have you been all my life?" If we're lucky, these friends make us see who we are. They may even help us to become who we want to be. Friendships are at the seat of many of our hearts. In our friendships we learn unconditional love, acceptance, support, and how to weather the storms from a healthy distance. Some of us brag of many associates, but we all know friends are few and far between. So what kind of friend are you?
To seperate our relationship behaviors from how we deal with our friendships is a naive act. I think that when we clearly look at our friendships, we can see, just how we actually behave in relationships. Friendships, in their purest form lack a desire for "getting, winning, or gaming". So when all the folly around saying, doing, and being the right thing in order to get that guy or girl is gone, all you have is your ability to be a friend. Are you a good friend?I'll admit, the reason for this blog is because I have had to work tirelessly to remove my unhealthy behaviors in my friendships. I have been known to be unavailable at a whim, distant, and uninterested if I can't "fix" their problems. At times, I know that I am the person to come to when there are problems to be solved. On the other hand, if there is a party, or an adventure that a friend wants me to participate in, I cowar, excusing myself because I have "things to do". I know that my friends love and accept this about me. Many of them have simply been my friends throughout many of my changes in life and do not hold it against me that I am uninterested in some things.
But then I got to thinking....
How does that make them feel? Do they feel as though I don't have interest in what interests them? Would they say I'm not being a good friend to them because I avoid the things that interest them? I know I am the person they come to for advice, to heal broken hearts, and to help them strategize their way through their careers. But am I the person that will engage in activities they like to do? Will I be able to sacrifice being in my comfort zone in order to share with them. So far, I haven't been. Then I got to thinking.......This is one of the major issues within my relationships: accountability. I have a hard time being accountable to others. For some reason, accountability screams neediness and being used. I know this is an irrational perception...and believe me...I want to see it healed. Nevertheless, if I look closely at how I operate in my friendships I can see that the same things I am not willing to do for and with my friends are the same things I am not willing to do for and with my mate. Wow. Here I am, cataloging all the things I have to offer a potential significant other, when the truth is, I am not fully capable of partnering.
Friendship is gift that we continue to give. Partnership is a gift of commitment we continue to give. So if I have trouble giving of myself to my friends in order to honor their interests, than what does that say about my ability to do the same in love relationships? If I can't feel comfortable with the intimacy of friendships, how will I be comfortable with the intimacy of a relationship.We blame the sexes so much, and I too, have a habit of blaming extraneous circumstances on my singlehood: location, selection, and values. But if I'm honest, I can truly see that there is work to be done on my ability to be a friend. I know that there will not be true intimacy if there is not friendship. Friendship is loving, unconditional, kind, considerate, giving, and honest. These are the very things I claim to want from a man. So if I take myself out of the illusion of all the extraneous circumstances around my singlehood and focus back on myself the question that will be my focus is:
Am I a Good Friend?
To seperate our relationship behaviors from how we deal with our friendships is a naive act. I think that when we clearly look at our friendships, we can see, just how we actually behave in relationships. Friendships, in their purest form lack a desire for "getting, winning, or gaming". So when all the folly around saying, doing, and being the right thing in order to get that guy or girl is gone, all you have is your ability to be a friend. Are you a good friend?I'll admit, the reason for this blog is because I have had to work tirelessly to remove my unhealthy behaviors in my friendships. I have been known to be unavailable at a whim, distant, and uninterested if I can't "fix" their problems. At times, I know that I am the person to come to when there are problems to be solved. On the other hand, if there is a party, or an adventure that a friend wants me to participate in, I cowar, excusing myself because I have "things to do". I know that my friends love and accept this about me. Many of them have simply been my friends throughout many of my changes in life and do not hold it against me that I am uninterested in some things.
But then I got to thinking....
How does that make them feel? Do they feel as though I don't have interest in what interests them? Would they say I'm not being a good friend to them because I avoid the things that interest them? I know I am the person they come to for advice, to heal broken hearts, and to help them strategize their way through their careers. But am I the person that will engage in activities they like to do? Will I be able to sacrifice being in my comfort zone in order to share with them. So far, I haven't been. Then I got to thinking.......This is one of the major issues within my relationships: accountability. I have a hard time being accountable to others. For some reason, accountability screams neediness and being used. I know this is an irrational perception...and believe me...I want to see it healed. Nevertheless, if I look closely at how I operate in my friendships I can see that the same things I am not willing to do for and with my friends are the same things I am not willing to do for and with my mate. Wow. Here I am, cataloging all the things I have to offer a potential significant other, when the truth is, I am not fully capable of partnering.
Friendship is gift that we continue to give. Partnership is a gift of commitment we continue to give. So if I have trouble giving of myself to my friends in order to honor their interests, than what does that say about my ability to do the same in love relationships? If I can't feel comfortable with the intimacy of friendships, how will I be comfortable with the intimacy of a relationship.We blame the sexes so much, and I too, have a habit of blaming extraneous circumstances on my singlehood: location, selection, and values. But if I'm honest, I can truly see that there is work to be done on my ability to be a friend. I know that there will not be true intimacy if there is not friendship. Friendship is loving, unconditional, kind, considerate, giving, and honest. These are the very things I claim to want from a man. So if I take myself out of the illusion of all the extraneous circumstances around my singlehood and focus back on myself the question that will be my focus is:
Am I a Good Friend?
Friday, October 23, 2009
When God Delays You....
When God delays you, in whatever you are waiting for, the arrangements are being worked out. Period.
So often we are impatient, we want what we want, when we want it. We can experience a host of feelings as a result of this impatience. At times, we get angry with God. Sometimes we beg. At other times, we decide to "check-out", resigning that God has forgotten about us, and the desires of our heart will not be fulfilled. I know these truths all too well because on any given day, while I am waiting for all that I have asked God for, I have felt these feelings.
Don't despair, the arrangements are being made for you, with you, and through you. There was once an illustration I heard that helps me when I become impatient. It was an image of how I perceive my future versus how God sees it. It was presented this way:
"Suppose you were walking down the street, knowing where you wanted to go, and your focus was on which street to take but, knowing that your range of vision is limited, you take it one block at a time, trusting that when the street you need next arrives, you will be able to make the necessary maneuvers".
"Now that you're walking down this street and focused on the path in front of you, suppose now that there is a helicopter above you."
"Although you are aware of which streets you need to take to arrive at your destination, the pilot of the helicopter can see what is currently going on in the places you haven't arrived at. Even though there isn't much communication between you and the pilot, if necessary, should you go down a street that will lead you to a dead end, the pilot will know before you, simply because of its range of vision. If you should continue down that path, somehow the pilot has a way of redirecting you."
We are all walking in this world, sometimes with a map, sometimes without one. We are the lone travelers on this earth, on a journey. God is the pilot of the helicopter, with exact and whole vision, He sees where we're going, what is happening there, and the best route for us to take in order to get there. Sure, He may not always share this information with us, perhaps we wouldn't listen when and if we got it. But trusting that there is a pilot that will re-direct us if we get lost is at the core of understanding our faith. We will travel to dead ends; God will allow us to be delayed. However, we should all know, when God delays us, it is simply so that all the arrangements can be made.
He sees the next move, the destination, and knows your strength. We will not walk longer than we need to, nor will we tire from our walk.
When there is nothing left but hope and faith, remember:
When God delays you, the arrangements are being worked out in us, through us, and for us.
So often we are impatient, we want what we want, when we want it. We can experience a host of feelings as a result of this impatience. At times, we get angry with God. Sometimes we beg. At other times, we decide to "check-out", resigning that God has forgotten about us, and the desires of our heart will not be fulfilled. I know these truths all too well because on any given day, while I am waiting for all that I have asked God for, I have felt these feelings.
Don't despair, the arrangements are being made for you, with you, and through you. There was once an illustration I heard that helps me when I become impatient. It was an image of how I perceive my future versus how God sees it. It was presented this way:
"Suppose you were walking down the street, knowing where you wanted to go, and your focus was on which street to take but, knowing that your range of vision is limited, you take it one block at a time, trusting that when the street you need next arrives, you will be able to make the necessary maneuvers".
"Now that you're walking down this street and focused on the path in front of you, suppose now that there is a helicopter above you."
"Although you are aware of which streets you need to take to arrive at your destination, the pilot of the helicopter can see what is currently going on in the places you haven't arrived at. Even though there isn't much communication between you and the pilot, if necessary, should you go down a street that will lead you to a dead end, the pilot will know before you, simply because of its range of vision. If you should continue down that path, somehow the pilot has a way of redirecting you."
We are all walking in this world, sometimes with a map, sometimes without one. We are the lone travelers on this earth, on a journey. God is the pilot of the helicopter, with exact and whole vision, He sees where we're going, what is happening there, and the best route for us to take in order to get there. Sure, He may not always share this information with us, perhaps we wouldn't listen when and if we got it. But trusting that there is a pilot that will re-direct us if we get lost is at the core of understanding our faith. We will travel to dead ends; God will allow us to be delayed. However, we should all know, when God delays us, it is simply so that all the arrangements can be made.
He sees the next move, the destination, and knows your strength. We will not walk longer than we need to, nor will we tire from our walk.
When there is nothing left but hope and faith, remember:
When God delays you, the arrangements are being worked out in us, through us, and for us.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Happily Single!!!!
Last night I stayed out at my sister's crib until one in the morning, having cocktails, and laughing until my side hurt. I came home, read until I was too drowsy to understand the words on the page, then went to sleep.
I woke up this morning to silence in my lil' one bedroom apartment and made some coffee. I am enjoying the sound of the rain through cracked windows. I have a huge sweatshirt on with stretched out sweat pants. My hair is a mess. I haven't brushed my teeth. And there is laundry piled up in my bedroom. The dishes in my sink, well, they can sit there until I feel like washing them. I slept in the nude. And just because of all these things: I am happily single!
I didn't always have this type of contentment. I used to agonize over the loneliness of single living. I compared my life to those around me and envied them. I wanted so badly to boast of the successful husband, the adorable infant, and the beautiful home we built together. These images and fantasies ruled my existence. I lived in constant worry that something was wrong with me. I pleaded with God to bring the right people into my life so I could finally rest in happiness.
Then I realized, happiness is a choice.
I realized that no matter whether or not I find the man of my dreams, have the children I desire to have, or if I never live in the beautiful Victorian with the white picket fence; happiness is always my responsibility and choice. Be happy. Be happy. Be happy. I have begun to desire happiness above all these things. Surprisingly, this when I began to feel happy. When my focus shifted from what I wanted, to what I have, and who I am, happiness has flooded my heart.
Last week was particularly stressful for me. Work, like always, dominated my thoughts. I was pushed to my limit by people, circumstances, and fatigued beyond belief. When I arrived home at the end of a particularly stressful day all I could do was undress, turn off all the lights, and lay in bed decompressing. To some, this may sound sad. For me, it was the exact antidote for the situations I found myself in during the day. While I was relaxing, listening to my thoughts and the sound of cars rushing about outside the window it hit me: If I had a husband, a family, and greater personal responsibilities, that moment, filled with peace and serenity after long hours of stress, would not have been possible. In that moment I exchanged my frequent fantasies for a loving husband with the grattitude that where I was, doing exactly nothing, was where I wanted to be.
I spent the next hour being grateful that there wasn't any dinner to prepare, or clothes to fold. I relished in the reality that my life is ALL MINE! I could lay there in bed, in solitude, for as long as I pleased. I didn't have to explain my feelings, or the day that exhausted me. I was truly able to leave it all behind, and re-charge my battery.
Whether or not my current situation is a permanent one, I don't know. What I do know is I have never been this happy! I am joyfully writing this blog, in the silence of my home. I am content making supper for one. I am thrilled that that towel, over there, hanging on the banister, is mine. I know where I left the coffee filters, and I don't have to worry about who is doing what when. THIS is freedom to me!
I have not closed myself off from a relationship; I will welcome a loving partner with open arms. However, my life is Good. Fabulous. Mine. It is as completely crazy or as simple as I want it to be. When I do become a part of a pair, I will look back on this time as a happy time.
I do not wish to be anywhere else, doing anything else, than what I'm doing now. I am so grateful for this time of learning myself, enjoying myself, and living with myself. There is nothing lonely about personal satisfaction. There is nothing lonely about self-reliance. There is nothing lonely about peace. This is the good stuff life is all about! I am happy: Happily Single!
I woke up this morning to silence in my lil' one bedroom apartment and made some coffee. I am enjoying the sound of the rain through cracked windows. I have a huge sweatshirt on with stretched out sweat pants. My hair is a mess. I haven't brushed my teeth. And there is laundry piled up in my bedroom. The dishes in my sink, well, they can sit there until I feel like washing them. I slept in the nude. And just because of all these things: I am happily single!
I didn't always have this type of contentment. I used to agonize over the loneliness of single living. I compared my life to those around me and envied them. I wanted so badly to boast of the successful husband, the adorable infant, and the beautiful home we built together. These images and fantasies ruled my existence. I lived in constant worry that something was wrong with me. I pleaded with God to bring the right people into my life so I could finally rest in happiness.
Then I realized, happiness is a choice.
I realized that no matter whether or not I find the man of my dreams, have the children I desire to have, or if I never live in the beautiful Victorian with the white picket fence; happiness is always my responsibility and choice. Be happy. Be happy. Be happy. I have begun to desire happiness above all these things. Surprisingly, this when I began to feel happy. When my focus shifted from what I wanted, to what I have, and who I am, happiness has flooded my heart.
Last week was particularly stressful for me. Work, like always, dominated my thoughts. I was pushed to my limit by people, circumstances, and fatigued beyond belief. When I arrived home at the end of a particularly stressful day all I could do was undress, turn off all the lights, and lay in bed decompressing. To some, this may sound sad. For me, it was the exact antidote for the situations I found myself in during the day. While I was relaxing, listening to my thoughts and the sound of cars rushing about outside the window it hit me: If I had a husband, a family, and greater personal responsibilities, that moment, filled with peace and serenity after long hours of stress, would not have been possible. In that moment I exchanged my frequent fantasies for a loving husband with the grattitude that where I was, doing exactly nothing, was where I wanted to be.
I spent the next hour being grateful that there wasn't any dinner to prepare, or clothes to fold. I relished in the reality that my life is ALL MINE! I could lay there in bed, in solitude, for as long as I pleased. I didn't have to explain my feelings, or the day that exhausted me. I was truly able to leave it all behind, and re-charge my battery.
Whether or not my current situation is a permanent one, I don't know. What I do know is I have never been this happy! I am joyfully writing this blog, in the silence of my home. I am content making supper for one. I am thrilled that that towel, over there, hanging on the banister, is mine. I know where I left the coffee filters, and I don't have to worry about who is doing what when. THIS is freedom to me!
I have not closed myself off from a relationship; I will welcome a loving partner with open arms. However, my life is Good. Fabulous. Mine. It is as completely crazy or as simple as I want it to be. When I do become a part of a pair, I will look back on this time as a happy time.
I do not wish to be anywhere else, doing anything else, than what I'm doing now. I am so grateful for this time of learning myself, enjoying myself, and living with myself. There is nothing lonely about personal satisfaction. There is nothing lonely about self-reliance. There is nothing lonely about peace. This is the good stuff life is all about! I am happy: Happily Single!
Monday, September 14, 2009
According to Me....
This is a random rant...
According to me I should be married by now. An afternoon like today would be filled with me finding something good to make for dinner, maybe playing some jazz, and getting ready to spend the evening hugged up with my honey.
I know, I know, be patient, it will happen, it takes time, I only need one man....but sheesh! It sucks when your heart jumps for a man you can't have. Is cupid blind? Doesn't he see me over here...waisting away...looking for companionship? Doesn't he aim? I mean really, if anyone knows cupid, tell him I'd like him to make sure that the next time he shoots his arrow at me and a man that he make sure that the potion in his arrow won't just give us googley eyes, and fluttery hearts, but the willingness to step out on love. The ability to let loose and enjoy, or better yet, availability.
Sunday was filled with tears running down the face of a woman who knows better than to get involved with a married man. A woman who knows that it's not morally wrong (and she by the way, doesn't really buy into the whole idea of 'morals' anyway) but that entertain a man who can only share a fraction of his life with her would be to entertain her emotional death. She wouldn't be able to take it, seeing him leave, sharing him with another woman, and better yet, his absence. She cried all of 30 minutes because she knows she's a woman and she's responsible for her happiness, and no, she can't just say she 'fell in love' with this married man, because her falling could result in her getting really hurt. When I saw her crying, I felt bad for her. I knew she was crying because she didn't want to be responsible for her own happines...she just wants cupid to get it right. I also felt her pain as I watched how badly she didn't want to let this go. I saw the despair in her eyes because I also knew that she is afraid she'll never feel like this again, and love will never be requited. I know she's afraid of lonliness. I know she's afraid of losing hope. I know she wants this man, just as he is, minus the wife, to be hers. And I know, she knows, that will never happen. I cried watching her because I knew she could see that this man is another example of her pattern of dysfunction, and I also cried because she is exhausted from fighting it. I know, that in her heart, being 'honest' 'true' and 'having faith' makes her feel like shit, and really, she already has enough to deal with. I felt compassion for her as she walked forward with shaking knees because she no longer 'knows' better, but she does better. I know she is afraid, and I know she is impatient. If you are wondering how I know so much about her, it's because,
she, is me.
According to me I should be married by now. An afternoon like today would be filled with me finding something good to make for dinner, maybe playing some jazz, and getting ready to spend the evening hugged up with my honey.
I know, I know, be patient, it will happen, it takes time, I only need one man....but sheesh! It sucks when your heart jumps for a man you can't have. Is cupid blind? Doesn't he see me over here...waisting away...looking for companionship? Doesn't he aim? I mean really, if anyone knows cupid, tell him I'd like him to make sure that the next time he shoots his arrow at me and a man that he make sure that the potion in his arrow won't just give us googley eyes, and fluttery hearts, but the willingness to step out on love. The ability to let loose and enjoy, or better yet, availability.
Sunday was filled with tears running down the face of a woman who knows better than to get involved with a married man. A woman who knows that it's not morally wrong (and she by the way, doesn't really buy into the whole idea of 'morals' anyway) but that entertain a man who can only share a fraction of his life with her would be to entertain her emotional death. She wouldn't be able to take it, seeing him leave, sharing him with another woman, and better yet, his absence. She cried all of 30 minutes because she knows she's a woman and she's responsible for her happiness, and no, she can't just say she 'fell in love' with this married man, because her falling could result in her getting really hurt. When I saw her crying, I felt bad for her. I knew she was crying because she didn't want to be responsible for her own happines...she just wants cupid to get it right. I also felt her pain as I watched how badly she didn't want to let this go. I saw the despair in her eyes because I also knew that she is afraid she'll never feel like this again, and love will never be requited. I know she's afraid of lonliness. I know she's afraid of losing hope. I know she wants this man, just as he is, minus the wife, to be hers. And I know, she knows, that will never happen. I cried watching her because I knew she could see that this man is another example of her pattern of dysfunction, and I also cried because she is exhausted from fighting it. I know, that in her heart, being 'honest' 'true' and 'having faith' makes her feel like shit, and really, she already has enough to deal with. I felt compassion for her as she walked forward with shaking knees because she no longer 'knows' better, but she does better. I know she is afraid, and I know she is impatient. If you are wondering how I know so much about her, it's because,
she, is me.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Who's Responsible for the Commitment Phobe?
I know, it's like beating a dead horse....women want to get married...but men won't commit. I say this from time to time myself. I hear it said often by the women I know and love. But whose responsibility is it that this guy won't commit? Surely, if there isn't a guy who will commit, there is a woman that will commit herself to him. Sounds crazy right? However, don't you think it's funny how we (single gals) talk to each other endlessly about the guy who won't commit, yet he's in our lives?
There is enough information in the psychology field that shows us what some of the psychological reasons for commitment phobia are. We are well aware of those kind of things: childhood trauma, fear of abandonment, loss of parents, sexual or physical abuse. These folks aside, there are several men who have not had these experiences, and yet, fit all the characteristics of a commitment phobe, Why?
It's my thinking they do this because there are not enough women to stand on solid standards (non-material standards that is...and yes, this includes your education) and focus on requiring a man to demonstrate the strength of his character to you. Flimsy beginnings create flimsy relationships, and disastrous endings. Usually, though, it's only disastrous for one person: the woman.
I say women have to be vigilant about who they get involved with. Ask questions, provide opportunities for him to be himself, and show you who that self is. Don't fill in the gaps. If he isn't calling, don't call him. If he isn't providing you with the conversation you want, get off the phone. If the date shows a lack luster effort, don't continue going out with him.
I urge women to set standards for the men that they are dating. Not only to improve their dating experiences - but for the greater good of the group. Remember if we're not learning, we're teaching. If you are letting these guys have all the fun while you don't ask for a thing he'll be some other woman's problem when he's finished with you.
If I have anything to say about my exes it's that they are better men to the women they are with now, then they were with me. Rather than looking at that as a sore spot, I count it as a strong representation of my expectations while I was with them. If I or the man I'm seeing cannot grow in the relationship, well then, our time is only going to be devoted to fighting and fucking. Let's keep it real.
In order to be ready to love, you have to require respect, honor, and love. This is not to say you stomp your feet and demand. It's quite the contrary actually; quietly, and with dignity and respect, respectfully decline to be treated like anything less then the best!
There is enough information in the psychology field that shows us what some of the psychological reasons for commitment phobia are. We are well aware of those kind of things: childhood trauma, fear of abandonment, loss of parents, sexual or physical abuse. These folks aside, there are several men who have not had these experiences, and yet, fit all the characteristics of a commitment phobe, Why?
It's my thinking they do this because there are not enough women to stand on solid standards (non-material standards that is...and yes, this includes your education) and focus on requiring a man to demonstrate the strength of his character to you. Flimsy beginnings create flimsy relationships, and disastrous endings. Usually, though, it's only disastrous for one person: the woman.
I say women have to be vigilant about who they get involved with. Ask questions, provide opportunities for him to be himself, and show you who that self is. Don't fill in the gaps. If he isn't calling, don't call him. If he isn't providing you with the conversation you want, get off the phone. If the date shows a lack luster effort, don't continue going out with him.
I urge women to set standards for the men that they are dating. Not only to improve their dating experiences - but for the greater good of the group. Remember if we're not learning, we're teaching. If you are letting these guys have all the fun while you don't ask for a thing he'll be some other woman's problem when he's finished with you.
If I have anything to say about my exes it's that they are better men to the women they are with now, then they were with me. Rather than looking at that as a sore spot, I count it as a strong representation of my expectations while I was with them. If I or the man I'm seeing cannot grow in the relationship, well then, our time is only going to be devoted to fighting and fucking. Let's keep it real.
In order to be ready to love, you have to require respect, honor, and love. This is not to say you stomp your feet and demand. It's quite the contrary actually; quietly, and with dignity and respect, respectfully decline to be treated like anything less then the best!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
A lil' Fiction (this is dedicated to you GypsiJ)
This isn’t love, its friendship. I try telling myself these words as I watch him fixing the leg of my coffee table; a household job I imagined an exclusive lover or husband would fulfill. I hand him the wrench, watch the beads of perspiration moisten his upper lip, and I love him. I love him in this moment the same way I loved him the moment he read my poems and told me I was “talented”. Best friends. We’ve been fest friends for nearly fifteen years and I know his every fault, can’t stand the way he longs after love, while I stand right in front of him.
My new home is delightful. I managed to save enough money and to find the courage to move alone. Being 35 and single sort of makes you grow up. When I saw this house, I didn’t think: I’ll raise my children here. I thought: “this is going to be a nice place for a single gal”. Go figure, me, exquisite me, single. The crown molding in the living room and the exposed brick in the kitchen made love to my eyes when I walked into this home for the first time. I could see myself filling up the mantel on the fireplace with pictures of my family and maybe finally getting that golden retriever I always wanted. He would be my friend.
I got this coffee table from the estate sale in the ridiculously exclusive estate sub-division down the road. Some painter and his artist wife were divorcing and so their life of excess and glamour had now become my premiere Saturday Yard Sale find. It’s heavy oak, my new coffee table. I might have not gotten it for the overpriced $50 I paid for it if it didn’t have that map of the world engraved on the top. When I saw it, I figured that when I have visitors they could come over and take trips with me. Whatever country they sat their glass on becomes our destination. I always ask the same question: “Looks like you just got to Honduras, what is it like down there?” Puzzled my guests always ask me what the hell I’m talking about. Then I draw their attention to the table. I show them that they are sitting in front of the world. They now, have the power to go anywhere they want. It makes for great conversation; although inevitably the conversation turns into what they need to do in order to live a more authentic life. They began, through using me as the sound board, to ask themselves questions like: “Am I doing everything with my life that I’m supposed to be doing?” I never answer their questions; I always assume they are rhetorical. Besides, I haven’t answered that question for myself yet, so I surely can’t answer it for them.
Then there was the night of the singles party that I allowed you to convince me to throw at my house. You were sure that I might just find my “soul mate” if I just lent my home to your business. I knew my soul mate wouldn’t be there, at least I wouldn’t find him there; I have already found him. But to appease you and to meet some new people I agreed to throw the party. We had a fabulous time that night didn’t we? Isn’t that when you met that girl that you just knew had the key to your heart? I think her name was Jess. Yeah, you kept saying Jess the whole week after that. I got tired of her name around Thursday and was happy she was out of the picture by Saturday. Why I keep letting myself get drowned in sorrow every time you find another soul mate, I don’t know. I should know after fifteen years of friendship that you only love the idea of love, but never its representatives.
When they decided to do the electric slide at three in the morning I knew people were going to get wild. We started drinking about what? Seven? So clearly there was going to be some foolishness. But I was just as drunk. I had just bought my table two weeks before when we were out that morning for our daily jog. You tried to tell me it was matronly, but I forced you to see how it could be an incredible “conversation piece” and so you agreed it would be a great piece for my living room; resigning that I “didn’t have a coffee table anyway, and it’ll do the job”. I often wonder whether or not you are able to see the beauty in things even when the beauty doesn’t shine directly in your face.
I knew the guy who broke the leg of my table was a jerk when he walked in the door. He had that hungry look in his eyes. He seemed like one of those creeps that preys on women for “flings” but has absolutely no interest in getting seriously involved. I secretly watched him all night. I wanted to make sure he didn’t spend too much time “assessing” my home; he seemed like a thief, although it was clear what he wanted wasn’t hanging on the walls…it was between some unlucky girls legs. I heard the crash from inside the kitchen while I was brushing up against that mechanical engineer with the corky glasses on. I knew everyone was getting ready for the electric slide but I was sure I was going to get a revenge fuck out of this night since you had just met Jess, the love of your life. I figured if you could fall in love in seconds so could I. Then, in the midst of me batting cow eyes at the engineer I heard the crash. I love the way you jumped up from the couch and sprung into action. I felt like you were protecting me. The look of horror on your face was indescribable when you realized he had broken my newest favorite conversation piece. Maybe I was too drunk to be mad; I faked devastation though, I wanted your concern to linger, perhaps even distract you from Jess.
Your voice got all baritone, even though you’re more like a tenor, and you announced: “Okay everybody, party’s over, thanks for coming out!” My engineer put his glass of grey goose on the counter, slipped me his card and walked through the kitchen towards the front door. Your Jess just sat patiently on the couch refreshing her lip gloss. While you herded people out of my house, I couldn’t help imagining that this was our house, our party, our associates, our life. But just then, stupid “Jess” came to console me: “He’ll get them out of here girl, he knows how to handle people”. I remember how intense the desire to smack her was. She was telling me, your friend of fifteen years how you would handle this situation, because of course, she was an expert on you after a couple of hours of kissing and one too many margaritas. I’m always surprised by the women you choose.
In some small way, you’re my hero right now. I know you feel totally responsible for my favorite table being broken and so that is why you are here, fixing it. I know you also feel like if you don’t do it, it may cost me a pretty penny. I would have to get it professionally taken care of, and since its recent appraisal for $25,000 me having to pay to have it fixed is out of the question.
“Okay, we’re gonna have to keep this clamp on this edge of the table so that the wood glue sets correctly, I’m going to go wash my hands. You got anything to eat?” you say wiping the small beads of sweat from your upper lip.
I walk towards the kitchen. I’ll make you a hummus and cucumber sandwich on wheat bread, I know it’s your favorite.
Readers Challenge: What should happen next? What's going on with these two? Is this a relationship that you would like to see flourish/why or why not? Let's write the rest together!!! - ms.b
My new home is delightful. I managed to save enough money and to find the courage to move alone. Being 35 and single sort of makes you grow up. When I saw this house, I didn’t think: I’ll raise my children here. I thought: “this is going to be a nice place for a single gal”. Go figure, me, exquisite me, single. The crown molding in the living room and the exposed brick in the kitchen made love to my eyes when I walked into this home for the first time. I could see myself filling up the mantel on the fireplace with pictures of my family and maybe finally getting that golden retriever I always wanted. He would be my friend.
I got this coffee table from the estate sale in the ridiculously exclusive estate sub-division down the road. Some painter and his artist wife were divorcing and so their life of excess and glamour had now become my premiere Saturday Yard Sale find. It’s heavy oak, my new coffee table. I might have not gotten it for the overpriced $50 I paid for it if it didn’t have that map of the world engraved on the top. When I saw it, I figured that when I have visitors they could come over and take trips with me. Whatever country they sat their glass on becomes our destination. I always ask the same question: “Looks like you just got to Honduras, what is it like down there?” Puzzled my guests always ask me what the hell I’m talking about. Then I draw their attention to the table. I show them that they are sitting in front of the world. They now, have the power to go anywhere they want. It makes for great conversation; although inevitably the conversation turns into what they need to do in order to live a more authentic life. They began, through using me as the sound board, to ask themselves questions like: “Am I doing everything with my life that I’m supposed to be doing?” I never answer their questions; I always assume they are rhetorical. Besides, I haven’t answered that question for myself yet, so I surely can’t answer it for them.
Then there was the night of the singles party that I allowed you to convince me to throw at my house. You were sure that I might just find my “soul mate” if I just lent my home to your business. I knew my soul mate wouldn’t be there, at least I wouldn’t find him there; I have already found him. But to appease you and to meet some new people I agreed to throw the party. We had a fabulous time that night didn’t we? Isn’t that when you met that girl that you just knew had the key to your heart? I think her name was Jess. Yeah, you kept saying Jess the whole week after that. I got tired of her name around Thursday and was happy she was out of the picture by Saturday. Why I keep letting myself get drowned in sorrow every time you find another soul mate, I don’t know. I should know after fifteen years of friendship that you only love the idea of love, but never its representatives.
When they decided to do the electric slide at three in the morning I knew people were going to get wild. We started drinking about what? Seven? So clearly there was going to be some foolishness. But I was just as drunk. I had just bought my table two weeks before when we were out that morning for our daily jog. You tried to tell me it was matronly, but I forced you to see how it could be an incredible “conversation piece” and so you agreed it would be a great piece for my living room; resigning that I “didn’t have a coffee table anyway, and it’ll do the job”. I often wonder whether or not you are able to see the beauty in things even when the beauty doesn’t shine directly in your face.
I knew the guy who broke the leg of my table was a jerk when he walked in the door. He had that hungry look in his eyes. He seemed like one of those creeps that preys on women for “flings” but has absolutely no interest in getting seriously involved. I secretly watched him all night. I wanted to make sure he didn’t spend too much time “assessing” my home; he seemed like a thief, although it was clear what he wanted wasn’t hanging on the walls…it was between some unlucky girls legs. I heard the crash from inside the kitchen while I was brushing up against that mechanical engineer with the corky glasses on. I knew everyone was getting ready for the electric slide but I was sure I was going to get a revenge fuck out of this night since you had just met Jess, the love of your life. I figured if you could fall in love in seconds so could I. Then, in the midst of me batting cow eyes at the engineer I heard the crash. I love the way you jumped up from the couch and sprung into action. I felt like you were protecting me. The look of horror on your face was indescribable when you realized he had broken my newest favorite conversation piece. Maybe I was too drunk to be mad; I faked devastation though, I wanted your concern to linger, perhaps even distract you from Jess.
Your voice got all baritone, even though you’re more like a tenor, and you announced: “Okay everybody, party’s over, thanks for coming out!” My engineer put his glass of grey goose on the counter, slipped me his card and walked through the kitchen towards the front door. Your Jess just sat patiently on the couch refreshing her lip gloss. While you herded people out of my house, I couldn’t help imagining that this was our house, our party, our associates, our life. But just then, stupid “Jess” came to console me: “He’ll get them out of here girl, he knows how to handle people”. I remember how intense the desire to smack her was. She was telling me, your friend of fifteen years how you would handle this situation, because of course, she was an expert on you after a couple of hours of kissing and one too many margaritas. I’m always surprised by the women you choose.
In some small way, you’re my hero right now. I know you feel totally responsible for my favorite table being broken and so that is why you are here, fixing it. I know you also feel like if you don’t do it, it may cost me a pretty penny. I would have to get it professionally taken care of, and since its recent appraisal for $25,000 me having to pay to have it fixed is out of the question.
“Okay, we’re gonna have to keep this clamp on this edge of the table so that the wood glue sets correctly, I’m going to go wash my hands. You got anything to eat?” you say wiping the small beads of sweat from your upper lip.
I walk towards the kitchen. I’ll make you a hummus and cucumber sandwich on wheat bread, I know it’s your favorite.
Readers Challenge: What should happen next? What's going on with these two? Is this a relationship that you would like to see flourish/why or why not? Let's write the rest together!!! - ms.b
Monday, August 17, 2009
Dreams Are The Language of God
Recently I contacted my favorite author Paulo Coehlo, famous for writing the book The Alchemist, and shared with him how much I adore his writing. He emailed me back with a beautiful note of gratitude and in his signature he wrote "Dreams are the language of God". I was humbled by his response and have savored that line in the following weeks.
I dream incredible dreams. Some are filled with fantasy and adventure, others are distinct warnings, and there are others where my subconscious is figuring things out and sending me messages about a particular challenge to my soul.
When I think about these dreams in the morning my first instinct is to look for the lesson. What was my subconscious trying to tell me? What feelings didn't I correctly experience that day that are now being revealed? Have I overlooked a detail that will propel me into the next stage of soul development? Surely, I am the one who decides on the answers to these questions so my interpretation takes some time.
When I think of these incidences in my sleep that I encounter as the "language of God" I wonder what God is trying to say to me. Do I need to resist a person or experience? Is there an aspect of my soul's journey that I will feel challenged by? How can I overcome a particular fear?
God works in mysterious ways, and so, I have come to understand that dreams are another part of God's mystery.
Channeling God's grace is an exciting adventure. Much like when I'm flying or escaping a harsh incident in a dream. One element of my dreams that is always present is an overarching wisdom. This wisdom comes in the form of warnings, reflective moments, and conversations with some of the characters in my dreams. If this is God's language, then I know just how omnipotent God's presence is. In my dreams God never fails to show me what is going on. There is something about the paralysis of my body and conscious mind that allows this communication to happen.
So I think about what God is trying to tell me. Of course, I know, at the end of the day, if I have not correctly interpreted the language of God then ultimately there will be another dream. One theme that used to come up in my dreams a couple of years ago was a sense of powerlessness. This would show up in the form of me being on a plane, or watching a plane, that was going to crash. I would be terrified in my dreams; and awake terrified as well. For months I was convinced that I would die in a plane crash and the fear of flying dominated my life. Until recently, when I dreamed of being on a plane and the threat of the plane crashing was presented. In my dream, instead of crashing the plane was re-directed and brought to safety. When I awoke from that dream the sense of relief I had felt as a passenger stayed with me.
Many things have changed in my life from the time where I was dreaming of dying in a plane to now when I dream of flying in a plane and landing in safety. I have become more involved in my own happiness. I have accepted my vulnerability to this world and the people in it. I have become more accepting of my own strengths and limitations. I believe God was communicating this lesson to me from those plane dreams. Although my immediate response was fear, God gently guided me to a place spiritually that allowed me to see what character defects I needed to improve and what perceptions I had that were limiting me. God wasn't speaking English, He was speaking dreams.
What is God telling you at night when you can't fight his lessons? What is the language of your dreams, or rather, of God?
Have you learned the Language of God?
I dream incredible dreams. Some are filled with fantasy and adventure, others are distinct warnings, and there are others where my subconscious is figuring things out and sending me messages about a particular challenge to my soul.
When I think about these dreams in the morning my first instinct is to look for the lesson. What was my subconscious trying to tell me? What feelings didn't I correctly experience that day that are now being revealed? Have I overlooked a detail that will propel me into the next stage of soul development? Surely, I am the one who decides on the answers to these questions so my interpretation takes some time.
When I think of these incidences in my sleep that I encounter as the "language of God" I wonder what God is trying to say to me. Do I need to resist a person or experience? Is there an aspect of my soul's journey that I will feel challenged by? How can I overcome a particular fear?
God works in mysterious ways, and so, I have come to understand that dreams are another part of God's mystery.
Channeling God's grace is an exciting adventure. Much like when I'm flying or escaping a harsh incident in a dream. One element of my dreams that is always present is an overarching wisdom. This wisdom comes in the form of warnings, reflective moments, and conversations with some of the characters in my dreams. If this is God's language, then I know just how omnipotent God's presence is. In my dreams God never fails to show me what is going on. There is something about the paralysis of my body and conscious mind that allows this communication to happen.
So I think about what God is trying to tell me. Of course, I know, at the end of the day, if I have not correctly interpreted the language of God then ultimately there will be another dream. One theme that used to come up in my dreams a couple of years ago was a sense of powerlessness. This would show up in the form of me being on a plane, or watching a plane, that was going to crash. I would be terrified in my dreams; and awake terrified as well. For months I was convinced that I would die in a plane crash and the fear of flying dominated my life. Until recently, when I dreamed of being on a plane and the threat of the plane crashing was presented. In my dream, instead of crashing the plane was re-directed and brought to safety. When I awoke from that dream the sense of relief I had felt as a passenger stayed with me.
Many things have changed in my life from the time where I was dreaming of dying in a plane to now when I dream of flying in a plane and landing in safety. I have become more involved in my own happiness. I have accepted my vulnerability to this world and the people in it. I have become more accepting of my own strengths and limitations. I believe God was communicating this lesson to me from those plane dreams. Although my immediate response was fear, God gently guided me to a place spiritually that allowed me to see what character defects I needed to improve and what perceptions I had that were limiting me. God wasn't speaking English, He was speaking dreams.
What is God telling you at night when you can't fight his lessons? What is the language of your dreams, or rather, of God?
Have you learned the Language of God?
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Starter Girl
I like to think that I'm flawless. Then usually, that thought passes and I realize I'm human. One of the imperfect qualities of my humanity is that I do a great job starting things...but I'm not so good at finishing. I can think of at least three areas in my life (exercising, writing, and dating) where I started with incredible enthusiasm and fizzled out of energy quickly after. Did I loose interest? Am I more in love with the idea of having these things as regular activities in my life rather than doing the work? Are these simply fantasies, and ideas, but not goals?
I dreamed last night that my trainer looked at me and said "you can start with so much power, but you can't stay at it". I woke up this morning with his statement resonating with me. I have so many passions, so many ideas, and yet, I have a hard time seeing them through.
There are other things that I was able to see through with veracious power, focus, and determination. Like finishing both of my degrees and finding a place and making a home. I couldn't stop thinking about these things while I was in the process of attaining the desired results. I wouldn't let myself find any excuse to let these goals get out of my reach - I considered the completion of these goals as a clear reflection of my person. For that - I was determined to have the right appearances.
Now, when it comes to these particular areas of life: exercising, writing, and dating I loose interest quickly. Perhaps I haven't been able to conceptualize the "reward" or "payoff". In the case of getting my home decorated and comfortable I knew I would "feel safe, and secure" once the place was finished. I ate, slept, and dreamed about the colors, textures, and furniture I would place in my home in order to make it just right.
When I think of the perfect husband, I may daydream for about twenty minutes, then the image of him fizzles. I can work out for three months straight - with all the intensity of a new athlete only to loose interest on some random day, for a random reason. And with my writing - perhaps the most promising dream of the three - I still fizzle out out fiction, crave reader approval and often switch plots in the midst. All for a new start. So I wonder how many others are operating their lives with same kind of attitude. Start - but don't finish. Think - but don't Act. Dream - but don't Create.
This is my public admission of my humanity: I'm a starter girl....
I dreamed last night that my trainer looked at me and said "you can start with so much power, but you can't stay at it". I woke up this morning with his statement resonating with me. I have so many passions, so many ideas, and yet, I have a hard time seeing them through.
There are other things that I was able to see through with veracious power, focus, and determination. Like finishing both of my degrees and finding a place and making a home. I couldn't stop thinking about these things while I was in the process of attaining the desired results. I wouldn't let myself find any excuse to let these goals get out of my reach - I considered the completion of these goals as a clear reflection of my person. For that - I was determined to have the right appearances.
Now, when it comes to these particular areas of life: exercising, writing, and dating I loose interest quickly. Perhaps I haven't been able to conceptualize the "reward" or "payoff". In the case of getting my home decorated and comfortable I knew I would "feel safe, and secure" once the place was finished. I ate, slept, and dreamed about the colors, textures, and furniture I would place in my home in order to make it just right.
When I think of the perfect husband, I may daydream for about twenty minutes, then the image of him fizzles. I can work out for three months straight - with all the intensity of a new athlete only to loose interest on some random day, for a random reason. And with my writing - perhaps the most promising dream of the three - I still fizzle out out fiction, crave reader approval and often switch plots in the midst. All for a new start. So I wonder how many others are operating their lives with same kind of attitude. Start - but don't finish. Think - but don't Act. Dream - but don't Create.
This is my public admission of my humanity: I'm a starter girl....
Saturday, August 15, 2009
It's All Mental
Think about this. Think about that. What do you think? I think I'm in love...Let me think about it.
Think, Think, Think.
We are always thinking, aren't we? We have much invested in our minds. After all, if we don't think about something we determine that we have not properly deliberated, evaluated, or analyzed our daily lives. Then we hope to feel. And we start thinking about how to feel. So we're feeling right? Or are we thinking about feeling, and not feeling at all?
What does feeling feel like? This isn't a riddle; I'm more concerned with stimulating the expression of feeling. There are moments when the mind goes blank: no mental assessment has been made of the person, situation, or anything else. What does that feel like? In the early part of the twentieth century psychologists called those moments "moments of insanity". We were deemed insane if we could not think and then express a feeling. Wow.
So in an age where verbosity about thinking dominates our communication the feelings are pushed to the side. We are given a description (thoughts with evidence) of what feeling is and as a result, have become accustomed to evaluating (more thinking) how we feel. If we cannot judge (thinking) how this makes us feel or that makes us feel then we are "out of touch" with reality. So in a world that is mentally focused we are left with only a small portion of the 10% of our brains they say we use. The feelings get judged, evaluated, distorted, and then discarded. Or so we think.
Feelings re-surface. They have a funny way of making sure they get the attention they desire. Our feelings are our humanity so when we repress them, we relegate ourselves to being almost animal like...simply surviving through the mind. I can guess that all in our lives we have a bunch of unsatisfying circumstances because we "thought" they would make us feel. Thought before feeling is nonsense, insanity, and never leads to feeling. Feeling before thought, however, creates, inspires, and nourishes.
We can think about life and watch it unfold outside our windows. We can feel life if we leave the window sill and step outside.
Think, Think, Think.
We are always thinking, aren't we? We have much invested in our minds. After all, if we don't think about something we determine that we have not properly deliberated, evaluated, or analyzed our daily lives. Then we hope to feel. And we start thinking about how to feel. So we're feeling right? Or are we thinking about feeling, and not feeling at all?
What does feeling feel like? This isn't a riddle; I'm more concerned with stimulating the expression of feeling. There are moments when the mind goes blank: no mental assessment has been made of the person, situation, or anything else. What does that feel like? In the early part of the twentieth century psychologists called those moments "moments of insanity". We were deemed insane if we could not think and then express a feeling. Wow.
So in an age where verbosity about thinking dominates our communication the feelings are pushed to the side. We are given a description (thoughts with evidence) of what feeling is and as a result, have become accustomed to evaluating (more thinking) how we feel. If we cannot judge (thinking) how this makes us feel or that makes us feel then we are "out of touch" with reality. So in a world that is mentally focused we are left with only a small portion of the 10% of our brains they say we use. The feelings get judged, evaluated, distorted, and then discarded. Or so we think.
Feelings re-surface. They have a funny way of making sure they get the attention they desire. Our feelings are our humanity so when we repress them, we relegate ourselves to being almost animal like...simply surviving through the mind. I can guess that all in our lives we have a bunch of unsatisfying circumstances because we "thought" they would make us feel. Thought before feeling is nonsense, insanity, and never leads to feeling. Feeling before thought, however, creates, inspires, and nourishes.
We can think about life and watch it unfold outside our windows. We can feel life if we leave the window sill and step outside.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Mourning The Egg...
I swear I felt sad today - for no apparent reason. I guess we're all allowed those days. But then I realized whyI was sad....I am mourning the loss of my eggs!! This is really to be lighthearted...before you get grossed out...just hear me out!
With every ovulation...we loose another opportunity. That's it. That's all. Gone. It doesn't suck being single because your sex life is unstable. Truthfully, as a single person with married friends, I know married life can be as sexually frustrating as single life, if not more! But I digress. When you ovulate and you know "okay I'm fertile" and then nothing happens....there's an emptiness there. The egg was ready, I am ready, and yet there is no sperm.
So much of our young lives is spent fantasizing about all the things we'll do when we "grow up". On my list was to have babies, lots of babies, and I really didn't think beyond that. For me, success meant family. I would know that I had officially made it when I conceived and gave birth to a child. Over the years, I have had many names for these "imaginary" children: Sascha, Savannah, Pheonix, Solomon, Isaac, Sarai, and a host of other "eggs" that got dropped off and never fertilized.
Is it selfish that I think about being a mom all the time? Is it selfish that I am like an animal on the prey looking for the right specimen to fertilize these eggs? Does it make sense that I have, for a long time, held off on doing soooo many things because "I'd like to start a family one day"? Depending on the day...yes or no.
So I got mad today. I got sad today. I felt a little awkward at the idea that another cycle has passed, and I've lost another egg. I don't care what the media says....30 isn't the new 20....just ask my ovaries!
ms.b
With every ovulation...we loose another opportunity. That's it. That's all. Gone. It doesn't suck being single because your sex life is unstable. Truthfully, as a single person with married friends, I know married life can be as sexually frustrating as single life, if not more! But I digress. When you ovulate and you know "okay I'm fertile" and then nothing happens....there's an emptiness there. The egg was ready, I am ready, and yet there is no sperm.
So much of our young lives is spent fantasizing about all the things we'll do when we "grow up". On my list was to have babies, lots of babies, and I really didn't think beyond that. For me, success meant family. I would know that I had officially made it when I conceived and gave birth to a child. Over the years, I have had many names for these "imaginary" children: Sascha, Savannah, Pheonix, Solomon, Isaac, Sarai, and a host of other "eggs" that got dropped off and never fertilized.
Is it selfish that I think about being a mom all the time? Is it selfish that I am like an animal on the prey looking for the right specimen to fertilize these eggs? Does it make sense that I have, for a long time, held off on doing soooo many things because "I'd like to start a family one day"? Depending on the day...yes or no.
So I got mad today. I got sad today. I felt a little awkward at the idea that another cycle has passed, and I've lost another egg. I don't care what the media says....30 isn't the new 20....just ask my ovaries!
ms.b
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Thirsty?
There is nothing like a cold glass of water on a hot day to quench your thirst is there? You are incredibly thirsty, you need to be replenished, and of course, you want to cool off. The only thing that can totally mess you up is if someone offers you a glass of water - in the midst of your dehydration - and it's lukewarm. Do you drink the water anyway? Do you go and get some ice to make it cooler? Or do you go and find a cold glass of water, even though you are still thirsty? Well that's what daters seem like today: thirsty. Many people are "searching" for the "one" whether they want to admit it or not. But how many people are actually waiting for their thirst for love to be quenched? How many people are settling for that lukewarm lover because although it's not that cold glass of water...it's better than nothing?
It seems like all too often those in search of love become dehydrated from love's sustanence and turn to that lukewarm lover in hopes of having their thirst quenched; but, they remain thirsty.It seems balance is necessary in order to achieve anything in these modern times. With so much on the edge (changing economic pressures, rising health concerns, and failing marriages) our once structured society, overflowing with "rivers overflowing with water" has now become a thirsty desert of people who are only a shell of what they could be. What kind of dater are you?
Drinks the Lukewarm Water to Quench the Thirst
Boy meets girl, or vice versa the connection is satisfactory. Each are single, and ready to partner, but neither is really "impressed" with the other. She thinks he could be a little taller, he thinks she is a little too aggressive. But they're thirsty, so they empty each other's cup. Two years later, they have nothing in common, arguments are more frequent, and each is dehydrated, on the brink of dying of thirst.
Grabs Some Ice to Chill the Lukewarm Water
The connection is stimulating, but not exciting. They date, meet one another's respective significant friends and family and start making investments: a key to his place, driving her car, a vacation together. Clunk, clunk, clunk...the ice cubes fall into the water, cooling it off...making it more refreshing, and easing the thirst. Then, he looses a job, or she gains thirty pounds. Suddenly, they are thirsty again. They grab for a glass of water - and it's lukewarm! Suprised that their relationship could not "steady" itself in the midst of these transitions, they do what they did before...grab some ice to cool their water off....only to find out the water was too hot...the ice melts...and their glass of water is still lukewarm. They are thirsty and mad!
A Cold Glass of Water Will Only Quench the Thirst
Being thirsty ain't nothing new for these folks. They have "been there, done that" and have found a way to master thirst even in the hottest of temperatures. Life is a desert to them; but these folks are well diggers. They know, no matter how hot the climate, how high the sand dune, they will always have a shovel and a will, and no matter how hard they sweat, they have the stamina to dig for water. They know that under all that sand, under the intense heat of the sun, there is a source of water that is cool that will quench their thirst. It takes time, sometimes they are defeated by the heat...but they continue on. They believe the cold water is there, they trust it will quench their thirst, and they will work to get to it. They refuse lukewarm glasses of water, and they have no time for ice cubes. They are convinced there is only one type of water....natural, cold, and refreshing...that will quench their thirst. These folks although they remain "thirsty" longer than most, will have their thirst quenched and never be thirsty again.
What kind of dater are you? Will you let the heat get to you and grab the first lukewarm glass of water? Will you try to cover and change a lukewarm glass of water with some ice cubes? Will you dig, tired and all, until you reach that ever flowing well and wait until your thirst is no longer there, and finally quenched for good?
Leave a comment...I'd love to hear from you!
It seems like all too often those in search of love become dehydrated from love's sustanence and turn to that lukewarm lover in hopes of having their thirst quenched; but, they remain thirsty.It seems balance is necessary in order to achieve anything in these modern times. With so much on the edge (changing economic pressures, rising health concerns, and failing marriages) our once structured society, overflowing with "rivers overflowing with water" has now become a thirsty desert of people who are only a shell of what they could be. What kind of dater are you?
Drinks the Lukewarm Water to Quench the Thirst
Boy meets girl, or vice versa the connection is satisfactory. Each are single, and ready to partner, but neither is really "impressed" with the other. She thinks he could be a little taller, he thinks she is a little too aggressive. But they're thirsty, so they empty each other's cup. Two years later, they have nothing in common, arguments are more frequent, and each is dehydrated, on the brink of dying of thirst.
Grabs Some Ice to Chill the Lukewarm Water
The connection is stimulating, but not exciting. They date, meet one another's respective significant friends and family and start making investments: a key to his place, driving her car, a vacation together. Clunk, clunk, clunk...the ice cubes fall into the water, cooling it off...making it more refreshing, and easing the thirst. Then, he looses a job, or she gains thirty pounds. Suddenly, they are thirsty again. They grab for a glass of water - and it's lukewarm! Suprised that their relationship could not "steady" itself in the midst of these transitions, they do what they did before...grab some ice to cool their water off....only to find out the water was too hot...the ice melts...and their glass of water is still lukewarm. They are thirsty and mad!
A Cold Glass of Water Will Only Quench the Thirst
Being thirsty ain't nothing new for these folks. They have "been there, done that" and have found a way to master thirst even in the hottest of temperatures. Life is a desert to them; but these folks are well diggers. They know, no matter how hot the climate, how high the sand dune, they will always have a shovel and a will, and no matter how hard they sweat, they have the stamina to dig for water. They know that under all that sand, under the intense heat of the sun, there is a source of water that is cool that will quench their thirst. It takes time, sometimes they are defeated by the heat...but they continue on. They believe the cold water is there, they trust it will quench their thirst, and they will work to get to it. They refuse lukewarm glasses of water, and they have no time for ice cubes. They are convinced there is only one type of water....natural, cold, and refreshing...that will quench their thirst. These folks although they remain "thirsty" longer than most, will have their thirst quenched and never be thirsty again.
What kind of dater are you? Will you let the heat get to you and grab the first lukewarm glass of water? Will you try to cover and change a lukewarm glass of water with some ice cubes? Will you dig, tired and all, until you reach that ever flowing well and wait until your thirst is no longer there, and finally quenched for good?
Leave a comment...I'd love to hear from you!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Just As I Am
I’m Fly. I wish I could upload my world, put it on display for the virtual community to see; there wouldn’t be a critic alive that could say I’m not living my best life, and looking damn good doing it! I have virtues that make me stand out and beauty that makes men and women do double takes. Before you go thinking I am sitting on my couch stroking my ego…let me get to the point. I am also a full-bodied woman. I don’t know if I completely like that label. In fact let’s see…there are a couple others that I’ll try out: “Big Girl” (nah…that doesn’t work…I’m not a girl) “Heavy” (If it’s referring to my thought pattern, then, okay. But heavy…well…that’s not cute) “Plus Size” (hmmm… what size am I a plus too?) “Plump” (I’m not a fruit, even though I am rather sweet!)
My point is that I don’t fit many labels. I am who I am, without hesitation and explanation. Period. For a few seconds, maybe even a minute, I’d like your attention to this topic: why are we so judgmental of a person who does not fit our stereotypes of what a woman “should” physically look like? Specifically, I know, for me, I have been judged and at the mercy of people trying to “help” me because they are sure if I “just lost some weight then you would be the isht!” I haven’t always looked the way I look (my guess is neither do you, since, with age, we all change) and most times I have found that whenever I defend my right to be Just As I Am many assume I am hiding behind an addiction to low self-worth and poor self-maintenance. Not the case.
De-bunking the Myths
For those well intentioned, they may look at me and make the politically correct comment that they “just want to have a woman who is healthy and conscious of her physical well being”. I often giggle at comments like these because I think about how ridiculous it sounds! I mean really, since when have we been able to judge a person’s health by the way they look? Can you see cancer? Does diabetes wear certain clothes? Or better yet, do you know what AIDS looks like? Not so much. In fact, there are many people who would have called Heath Ledger “the picture of health”, that is, until he overdosed on anti-depressants and alcohol. My point is that health and wellness are not visible. Body types are not universal, and women who love themselves are not always under a size ten.
This is not to say that weight gain and excessive body fat are not an indication of poor health; in many cases sudden weight gain and poor diet are an exclusive indication that a person’s health is at risk. Without sounding as if I am attempting to validate myself publicly I think it’s important to mention that for those who know me I snack on a variety of healthy delights! I have a regular exercise routine and pride myself on how much water I drink. In addition, I take my vitamins daily, avoid excessive stress and try to get as much sleep as being single, beautiful and professional at 29 will allow me!
But for the superficial that isn’t enough. I must be smaller. In fact, to some, if I am not on my way to shedding some weight then to them, I’m not healthy.
WTF?
This isn’t a rant out of the diary of a “big girl”. I know we talk relationships on here. So to make it exclusive I thought I’d address some of the other women in our community who are treated as “second rate women” because of their appearances. Here are a few I can think of: “nappy headed girls” (those who have refused to buy into the euro-centric idea that straight hair is beautiful), “dark sistahs” (the beautifully black woman who are “cute” for a dark skinned sistah”, “the giant” those women who are “too tall” for brothas…. My point is that some (black singles) have an issue with realizing how many shades, shapes, and abilities women come in. I am not a man, so I can’t speak for the brothers although I believe they too get slighted. But to be specific, we all know these prejudices exist. We may not want to admit it, but some of us may have missed “the one” while we were assessing whether or not they matched standard perceptions of beauty!
I am in love with my mind, I adore my heart, and I cherish my body. These are the expectations I have for any eligible suitor. Sometimes I wonder if others are judging me. This is an honest admission. I have to be frank: I think my body is super sexy! I love being a woman. I love being a woman who wears a size 18! I think the fullness of my body matches the fullness of my spirit, my girth of knowledge and my exceptional ability to love. Many women who are not my size feel like having this type of love is a farce; that we secretly wish to look like them. This could not be further from the truth!
I will not lower my standards because of my appearance, I will not accept sub-standard treatment because of my appearance, I will not buy your love because of my appearance, I will not cower around other women because of my appearance, I will not accept your recommendations for bettering myself because of my appearance, I will not EVER resist loving who I am because of my appearance! I just won’t!
Disclaimer: I am not angry! I write this for all the women who do not fit “American Standards of Beauty” and want to shout from the rooftops: “I know I’m the SHIT!” Enjoy!
ms.b
My point is that I don’t fit many labels. I am who I am, without hesitation and explanation. Period. For a few seconds, maybe even a minute, I’d like your attention to this topic: why are we so judgmental of a person who does not fit our stereotypes of what a woman “should” physically look like? Specifically, I know, for me, I have been judged and at the mercy of people trying to “help” me because they are sure if I “just lost some weight then you would be the isht!” I haven’t always looked the way I look (my guess is neither do you, since, with age, we all change) and most times I have found that whenever I defend my right to be Just As I Am many assume I am hiding behind an addiction to low self-worth and poor self-maintenance. Not the case.
De-bunking the Myths
For those well intentioned, they may look at me and make the politically correct comment that they “just want to have a woman who is healthy and conscious of her physical well being”. I often giggle at comments like these because I think about how ridiculous it sounds! I mean really, since when have we been able to judge a person’s health by the way they look? Can you see cancer? Does diabetes wear certain clothes? Or better yet, do you know what AIDS looks like? Not so much. In fact, there are many people who would have called Heath Ledger “the picture of health”, that is, until he overdosed on anti-depressants and alcohol. My point is that health and wellness are not visible. Body types are not universal, and women who love themselves are not always under a size ten.
This is not to say that weight gain and excessive body fat are not an indication of poor health; in many cases sudden weight gain and poor diet are an exclusive indication that a person’s health is at risk. Without sounding as if I am attempting to validate myself publicly I think it’s important to mention that for those who know me I snack on a variety of healthy delights! I have a regular exercise routine and pride myself on how much water I drink. In addition, I take my vitamins daily, avoid excessive stress and try to get as much sleep as being single, beautiful and professional at 29 will allow me!
But for the superficial that isn’t enough. I must be smaller. In fact, to some, if I am not on my way to shedding some weight then to them, I’m not healthy.
WTF?
This isn’t a rant out of the diary of a “big girl”. I know we talk relationships on here. So to make it exclusive I thought I’d address some of the other women in our community who are treated as “second rate women” because of their appearances. Here are a few I can think of: “nappy headed girls” (those who have refused to buy into the euro-centric idea that straight hair is beautiful), “dark sistahs” (the beautifully black woman who are “cute” for a dark skinned sistah”, “the giant” those women who are “too tall” for brothas…. My point is that some (black singles) have an issue with realizing how many shades, shapes, and abilities women come in. I am not a man, so I can’t speak for the brothers although I believe they too get slighted. But to be specific, we all know these prejudices exist. We may not want to admit it, but some of us may have missed “the one” while we were assessing whether or not they matched standard perceptions of beauty!
I am in love with my mind, I adore my heart, and I cherish my body. These are the expectations I have for any eligible suitor. Sometimes I wonder if others are judging me. This is an honest admission. I have to be frank: I think my body is super sexy! I love being a woman. I love being a woman who wears a size 18! I think the fullness of my body matches the fullness of my spirit, my girth of knowledge and my exceptional ability to love. Many women who are not my size feel like having this type of love is a farce; that we secretly wish to look like them. This could not be further from the truth!
I will not lower my standards because of my appearance, I will not accept sub-standard treatment because of my appearance, I will not buy your love because of my appearance, I will not cower around other women because of my appearance, I will not accept your recommendations for bettering myself because of my appearance, I will not EVER resist loving who I am because of my appearance! I just won’t!
Disclaimer: I am not angry! I write this for all the women who do not fit “American Standards of Beauty” and want to shout from the rooftops: “I know I’m the SHIT!” Enjoy!
ms.b
Thursday, August 6, 2009
My mama told me I would "kiss a lot of frogs, before I kissed my prince" and now at almost 30 I know what she means. I have had more than my share of frogs. I have had the broke man: "Hey, can I borrow a couple of dollars"....the superficial dude: "Oh I just needed to take the bus up to New York to do some shopping today....the thug nucca: "When I got home, I knew the first thing I needed was some p***y if a nucca was gonna make some moves"....the down on his luck, can't get ahead brotha: "If I could just finish ______ then I would be able to move on" and of course the say anything to get the p**sy dude: "of course I want to be with you...I just want us to take our time..." Then of course there is:-The Alcoholic: gets drunk to hide his problems.-The Graduate: thinks he's so hot cuz he purchased a degree...in Atlanta-The Asshole: Moody, never happy....-The Poor Performer: He couldn't "sort out da ting" if there was a manual.-The Clueless: Goofy...simple...and just don't get it.-The Businessman: Money makes him horny...not me.
Ladies, you know this list could gon on forever, but I'll stop it here. That is, because I kissed a frog I never thought I'd kiss: The Admitted Bi-Sexual. That's right, this brotha wanted to spend time with me, kiss me, and even think about layin me after he told me he has had a "homosexual experience". Now what's a girl to do? Didn't I just say I wanted to be lied to? (smiling, laughing, smirking) But for real. I have to share this story...let yall see that I'm not single because my weaknesses outweigh my strengths...I'm single because these dudes out here are strange!
The Story
Out of the blue while setting up plans for the next night, he says: "I want to tell you something totally random"...I said "okay...do share...". He says that a friend told him about an online porn site that he could visit and gave him the password...long story short....after watching some flicks on the site he decided to "click" on the "gay porn" banner. He watched a couple of men perform oral sex on one another and decided he was curious. Coincidentally (or not) shortly after a "girl friend" said that her fantasy was to watch two men together....and yep! you guessed it, he was more than happy to help his friend. She made the arrangements and a couple of nights later, he was getting oral sex from a man! He claims he couldn't "keep it up" because the whole situation turned him off....but then again, that's just what he told me....Bi-Sexual and Not Know It?
My first reaction was awe and disbelief. I couldn't believe what dude was telling me! I mean, the fear as a single black woman is that there are men doing this and even worse, not sharing their behavior with their sexual partners....but I never prepared myself for what I'd do if a man, a black man, shared this kind of thing with me! And by the way, we were heading on our second date...we have not slept with one another...at all! I know the stats. There are many bi-sexual brothas out here....even if they won't admit it. Which leads me to my next point. When I asked him if he considered himself bi-sexual he responded with an emphatic "NO!" Huh? I'm confused. Now I didn't ask him if he'd be at the next gay pride parade, I simply asked if he felt that he was a bi-sexual....apparently he doesn't see his curiousity and behavior as indications of his sexual preference. Do you?
Ladies, you know this list could gon on forever, but I'll stop it here. That is, because I kissed a frog I never thought I'd kiss: The Admitted Bi-Sexual. That's right, this brotha wanted to spend time with me, kiss me, and even think about layin me after he told me he has had a "homosexual experience". Now what's a girl to do? Didn't I just say I wanted to be lied to? (smiling, laughing, smirking) But for real. I have to share this story...let yall see that I'm not single because my weaknesses outweigh my strengths...I'm single because these dudes out here are strange!
The Story
Out of the blue while setting up plans for the next night, he says: "I want to tell you something totally random"...I said "okay...do share...". He says that a friend told him about an online porn site that he could visit and gave him the password...long story short....after watching some flicks on the site he decided to "click" on the "gay porn" banner. He watched a couple of men perform oral sex on one another and decided he was curious. Coincidentally (or not) shortly after a "girl friend" said that her fantasy was to watch two men together....and yep! you guessed it, he was more than happy to help his friend. She made the arrangements and a couple of nights later, he was getting oral sex from a man! He claims he couldn't "keep it up" because the whole situation turned him off....but then again, that's just what he told me....Bi-Sexual and Not Know It?
My first reaction was awe and disbelief. I couldn't believe what dude was telling me! I mean, the fear as a single black woman is that there are men doing this and even worse, not sharing their behavior with their sexual partners....but I never prepared myself for what I'd do if a man, a black man, shared this kind of thing with me! And by the way, we were heading on our second date...we have not slept with one another...at all! I know the stats. There are many bi-sexual brothas out here....even if they won't admit it. Which leads me to my next point. When I asked him if he considered himself bi-sexual he responded with an emphatic "NO!" Huh? I'm confused. Now I didn't ask him if he'd be at the next gay pride parade, I simply asked if he felt that he was a bi-sexual....apparently he doesn't see his curiousity and behavior as indications of his sexual preference. Do you?
Give Your Ex – To the Next!
Every relationship is not the one. In fact, people have more “ex’s” than they have lasting relationships. When we have tried to work things out with a person and for whatever reason our efforts fail, we move on. Many of us are lucky and mature enough to maintain friendships with those we were once intimately involved with. But what role do they fill in your lives after the break-up? Is it a casual relationship where you keep in touch only periodically? Are you still having sex? Do you have them around as a “friend” hoping that the relationship will mysteriously be re-ignited? Is he/she there to remind you of when someone loved you, or is it because you genuinely like the person you got involved with? Did you decide that having their friendship is more important than losing them all together? If so, have you decided to introduce them to someone else? Have you entertained the idea of introducing them to another one of your friends? Sound crazy? Why?
There is nothing like the present; or better yet, the pre-sent! Many people talk about baggage, how it keeps them from being able to move on. Then on the other hand they have these ex’s lingering in their lives for a variety of reasons. You wonder why you’re still single but I bet there are at least three people in your “circle of friends” that you once slept with, or engaged in some kind of relationship with. If the feelings are no longer there why won’t you share that person with someone else; someone they may really like, and enjoy an exciting relationship with? Could it be your ego? Is it pride? Or is it just downright selfishness?
There is nothing more annoying than “cold dating”. By “cold dating” I mean someone takes a look at you, sees something they like and then approaches. There really is no other introduction than “hey I like the way you look, maybe we can go out sometime”. After that, you have to get to know them, find out what their crazy is, and hope for the best. You have no-one to refer to about this person’s character, no-one who this person will ultimately feel accountable to regarding their behavior while dating you, and certainly no-one to provide you with the “details” of why this person may be compatible to you. And finally, if you’re thinking such and such was an asshole to you and you don’t want them to do that to the other – ponder this: they did what you allowed, period. The next person may not allow what you did, or may have different standards and expectations. Every relationship is different.
Some will say they don’t want to get involved with a friend’s ex because they don’t want “sloppy seconds” or they worry about being “played”. I say that is simply fear masked as pride. There may be a lot of “fish in the sea” but there certainly are not a lot of “great catches”! Part of evolving is letting the past be buried with everything else that is dead, and moving on to the pre-sent! This may involve giving that up that ex to another man or woman and wishing them the best. After all, if you really think of this person as a friend, why not try to make them happy – introduce them to someone that could possibly do what you couldn’t do!
You say you have self-esteem, you say you are comfortable with yourself, you say you have moved on, you say you are grown….so if you are all those things…..
Give Your Ex to the Next!
There is nothing like the present; or better yet, the pre-sent! Many people talk about baggage, how it keeps them from being able to move on. Then on the other hand they have these ex’s lingering in their lives for a variety of reasons. You wonder why you’re still single but I bet there are at least three people in your “circle of friends” that you once slept with, or engaged in some kind of relationship with. If the feelings are no longer there why won’t you share that person with someone else; someone they may really like, and enjoy an exciting relationship with? Could it be your ego? Is it pride? Or is it just downright selfishness?
There is nothing more annoying than “cold dating”. By “cold dating” I mean someone takes a look at you, sees something they like and then approaches. There really is no other introduction than “hey I like the way you look, maybe we can go out sometime”. After that, you have to get to know them, find out what their crazy is, and hope for the best. You have no-one to refer to about this person’s character, no-one who this person will ultimately feel accountable to regarding their behavior while dating you, and certainly no-one to provide you with the “details” of why this person may be compatible to you. And finally, if you’re thinking such and such was an asshole to you and you don’t want them to do that to the other – ponder this: they did what you allowed, period. The next person may not allow what you did, or may have different standards and expectations. Every relationship is different.
Some will say they don’t want to get involved with a friend’s ex because they don’t want “sloppy seconds” or they worry about being “played”. I say that is simply fear masked as pride. There may be a lot of “fish in the sea” but there certainly are not a lot of “great catches”! Part of evolving is letting the past be buried with everything else that is dead, and moving on to the pre-sent! This may involve giving that up that ex to another man or woman and wishing them the best. After all, if you really think of this person as a friend, why not try to make them happy – introduce them to someone that could possibly do what you couldn’t do!
You say you have self-esteem, you say you are comfortable with yourself, you say you have moved on, you say you are grown….so if you are all those things…..
Give Your Ex to the Next!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Can You Handle Disappointment?
Being single is not challenging because we don’t like going on dates, meeting new people, or having exciting affairs. Being single is challenging because of disappointment. Think about it: why did you walk away from that last situation? You were disappointed. Why did you cry and claim to be so “hurt”? Someone disappointed you. Why did you refuse to look at a situation that was unloving, unsupportive, and downright incompatible with your desires? You wanted to resist the inevitable pain of disappointment. I, like every person that has tried and failed at love, recall the most challenging part of the breakup as the point in which I realized that disappointment was on the horizon. More than that, it took many long nights in deep meditation to think about what exactly caused me to fear disappointment so much that I would barter, beg, and manipulate another just to avoid it. Here are a few things I have had to let go of in order to do my part to lessen the sting of a disappointment:
Release the Fantasy
Fantasies are waaaay to seductive. When I meet a new guy, it's almost impossible for me not to imagine myself running through a field of tulips with him as he shouts to the heavens how much he loves me! Boy! Those fantasies are fun and I recall the first time I started creating them: I was twelve years old and had just left summer camp and had met the boy of my dreams (Zack) and even though he lived thousands of miles away, to get myself through the hurt, I imagined how we would be reunited every night before bed for the next couple of weeks. Clearly that was an appropriate coping mechanism for a child, but what about adults? Do you fantasize him leaving his wife? Or that even as a convicted felon he will be the next mogul? Do you dream about her being more attractive? Or that she is better educated? Fantasies are dangerous. I know firsthand how terribly isolating a fantasy is and more important, how in our fantasies, we do not do a very important adult thing: accept reality for what it is and make wise decisions. Fantasies prevent the “adult” in all of us from properly instructing us on what to do. Think about it: aren’t fantasies just a childish way to avoid accepting reality and thus disappointment? When we’re truly ready to love what we learn (as I’ve seen with my married friends and family members) is that disappointment comes regardless of whether we expect it, try to protect ourselves from it, or flat out deny it…it’s there, and unless we shed the fantasy we’ll never be able to handle our right to be disappointed.
Find and Express Your Voice
In our culture of “reality TV” and technological communication we live in the “idea” that we are constantly communicating; nothing could be the furthest from the truth. While we think we are communicating through superficial language our real feelings, hurts, and desires are stifled by our addiction to being politically correct, or making sure we don’t “look” a certain way. One of the worst forms of disappointment is when we disappoint ourselves. The clearest route to disappointing ourselves, is when we don't properly advocate, communicate, or deliver our truth, desires, and expectations. I find it extremely funny how verbose we can be in relationships without really saying a real word (can I get an Amen?). You hear couples rave about how important communication is in a relationship, however, as daters, we rarely support the idea of voicing our desires, likes, dislikes, and expectations (see feedback from previous blog “I Never Knew Rejection Could Feel So Good”). Unless we find our voice in relationships we won’t be able to really relate to someone else. What we’ll be doing is a whole lot of talking and little communicating; this too, is another sure route to disappointment. There is absolutely nothing worse than feeling like another person, for whom you care about, does not “hear” or understand you.
Let Your Expectations Represent Your Truth and Not Someone Else’s
Have you ever ended a relationship and truly felt like you had done so in order to save face in front of family and or friends? I have. Call me gullible, easily influenced, but I know I’m not alone. There are so many influences in today’s society that many of us have a hard time making an organic decision. We do what the church tells us, what our therapist says is best, what Steve Harvey says, or even what we’re told to do here on Flagler Hill. Being disappointed is an agonizing feet especially when you have allowed the ideas, thoughts, expectations, and standards of others to guide you in your relationship. Sure we can tell each other what we see, but it is my belief that the wisest among us are those that have an uncanny ability to look within first, and then make a decision. Another piece regarding the importance of looking within is the fact that what most dating experiences lack is authenticity. While we may say we are being true to ourselves, if we’re not sleeping with a man simply because Steve Harvey says so, are we really living our truth if we want to sleep with the person but fear disappointing ourselves because of the “rules”?
As long as there are human beings there will be disappointments. But if we are to be conscious people, looking for true and lasting love, we must, look within and see if we’ve set up some booby traps in our own minds that will ultimately lead to disappointment. We do not have absolute control over the thoughts, feelings, and habits of anyone else, no matter what we tell ourselves. But, we do have control over how we will feel. It’s my estimation that dealing with disappointment is one of the valuable lessons that dating will teach us. After all, we will be disappointed many times in our partnerships. The relationship with our partner will by no means be perfect. We will see colorful mirages of disappointment: perhaps with our spouse, children, jobs, or even ourselves. How we handle disappointment during the “dog days of singlehood” is exactly how we will deal in our relationships. Are you ready for love? Then hopefully, you are ready to be disappointed too!
ms.b
Release the Fantasy
Fantasies are waaaay to seductive. When I meet a new guy, it's almost impossible for me not to imagine myself running through a field of tulips with him as he shouts to the heavens how much he loves me! Boy! Those fantasies are fun and I recall the first time I started creating them: I was twelve years old and had just left summer camp and had met the boy of my dreams (Zack) and even though he lived thousands of miles away, to get myself through the hurt, I imagined how we would be reunited every night before bed for the next couple of weeks. Clearly that was an appropriate coping mechanism for a child, but what about adults? Do you fantasize him leaving his wife? Or that even as a convicted felon he will be the next mogul? Do you dream about her being more attractive? Or that she is better educated? Fantasies are dangerous. I know firsthand how terribly isolating a fantasy is and more important, how in our fantasies, we do not do a very important adult thing: accept reality for what it is and make wise decisions. Fantasies prevent the “adult” in all of us from properly instructing us on what to do. Think about it: aren’t fantasies just a childish way to avoid accepting reality and thus disappointment? When we’re truly ready to love what we learn (as I’ve seen with my married friends and family members) is that disappointment comes regardless of whether we expect it, try to protect ourselves from it, or flat out deny it…it’s there, and unless we shed the fantasy we’ll never be able to handle our right to be disappointed.
Find and Express Your Voice
In our culture of “reality TV” and technological communication we live in the “idea” that we are constantly communicating; nothing could be the furthest from the truth. While we think we are communicating through superficial language our real feelings, hurts, and desires are stifled by our addiction to being politically correct, or making sure we don’t “look” a certain way. One of the worst forms of disappointment is when we disappoint ourselves. The clearest route to disappointing ourselves, is when we don't properly advocate, communicate, or deliver our truth, desires, and expectations. I find it extremely funny how verbose we can be in relationships without really saying a real word (can I get an Amen?). You hear couples rave about how important communication is in a relationship, however, as daters, we rarely support the idea of voicing our desires, likes, dislikes, and expectations (see feedback from previous blog “I Never Knew Rejection Could Feel So Good”). Unless we find our voice in relationships we won’t be able to really relate to someone else. What we’ll be doing is a whole lot of talking and little communicating; this too, is another sure route to disappointment. There is absolutely nothing worse than feeling like another person, for whom you care about, does not “hear” or understand you.
Let Your Expectations Represent Your Truth and Not Someone Else’s
Have you ever ended a relationship and truly felt like you had done so in order to save face in front of family and or friends? I have. Call me gullible, easily influenced, but I know I’m not alone. There are so many influences in today’s society that many of us have a hard time making an organic decision. We do what the church tells us, what our therapist says is best, what Steve Harvey says, or even what we’re told to do here on Flagler Hill. Being disappointed is an agonizing feet especially when you have allowed the ideas, thoughts, expectations, and standards of others to guide you in your relationship. Sure we can tell each other what we see, but it is my belief that the wisest among us are those that have an uncanny ability to look within first, and then make a decision. Another piece regarding the importance of looking within is the fact that what most dating experiences lack is authenticity. While we may say we are being true to ourselves, if we’re not sleeping with a man simply because Steve Harvey says so, are we really living our truth if we want to sleep with the person but fear disappointing ourselves because of the “rules”?
As long as there are human beings there will be disappointments. But if we are to be conscious people, looking for true and lasting love, we must, look within and see if we’ve set up some booby traps in our own minds that will ultimately lead to disappointment. We do not have absolute control over the thoughts, feelings, and habits of anyone else, no matter what we tell ourselves. But, we do have control over how we will feel. It’s my estimation that dealing with disappointment is one of the valuable lessons that dating will teach us. After all, we will be disappointed many times in our partnerships. The relationship with our partner will by no means be perfect. We will see colorful mirages of disappointment: perhaps with our spouse, children, jobs, or even ourselves. How we handle disappointment during the “dog days of singlehood” is exactly how we will deal in our relationships. Are you ready for love? Then hopefully, you are ready to be disappointed too!
ms.b
Are We Trying to Clone or Heal?
Each time a long term relationship or a relationship that has had a deep effect on me comes to an end, I, like every adult seeking empowerment, do an assessment. Invariably, I find that many of the traits and aspects of the person I have just ended a relationship with are the same traits and aspects that caused me to end the last relationship, and the one before that, and the one before that….
The Pattern
I find myself attracted to men who at their best are confident, ambitious, articulate, intelligent, passionate, and frank. At their worst, those same men were insensitive, selfish, unavailable, manipulative, disrespectful, and at times cold. I blamed myself for a long time for “always attracting the same man” and had resolved that no matter what, I was destined to be challenged because, I, was cloning this unloving experience. No doubt, this type of feeling was fatalistic and depressing. It lead me into several sexual hiatuses, the church (don’t front, some of us find the Lord when we’ve lost a love), and even into relationships with people whom I felt no spark with in an effort to not be alone. Obviously, I wasn’t dealing to well.
The “Ah Ha” Moment
Then after I was feeling the pain of another abandonment, I was sulking on the couch watching The Oprah Winfrey Show and saw a psychotherapist named Harvel Hendricks discussing his couples therapy technique: Imago Therapy, which evaluates why patterns in relationships seem to cripple so many of us. In his segment he quoted a phrase that has stayed with me since: “the deeper the wound, the stronger the bond”. I was floored. Oprah asked him to expound, and I’m paraphrasing here, but he went on to explain: “each of us has a set of experiences from our childhood where we were wounded by our caretakers. In an effort to survive, our mind coaches us through the wound and provides us with enough resolve to get through it. Although the wound is not healed, we do, in some miraculous way, discover a way to get past the hurt. Until, that is, cupid’s arrow pricks us.” Dr. Hendricks went on further, “When nature attracts us to a particular person, what we are experiencing is a Divine appointment to heal what was wounded when we were children. As a matter of fact, the person for which we fall madly in love with will possess the very characteristics of the caretaker that had the most profound impact on us as children. Our first reaction, once nature’s anesthesia has worn off, will be to run, or free ourselves from this person who is touching on the tenderest part of our souls: our unhealed wounds, but, if we are open and reflective with our partner, communicating our needs and asking for their support, our partners stand to heal us in a way that no other person can: completely”. Thus, according to Hendricks theory our patterns are really our souls reaching out for healing and not a matter of flimsy will, poor choices, or desperation. And then I breathed. I took the deepest, most validating breath. I breathed the air of peace, hope, and strength. I knew, in that moment, that I wasn’t some relationship lame who could not make wise choices. I was, like every other person in this world, a human being longing to be made whole through the healing of deep wounds.
A New Approach to Love
Once I was armed with these new truths regarding why we continue to choose who we choose I began to take a new approach to love. First, I ran right out and got Hendrick's books: Getting the Love You Want, and Keeping the Love You Find and researched who I am, and what my needs/wounds were and the type of person that would ultimately catch my soul’s eye. I then began to work with my soul instead of against it knowing in advance what my relationship challenges were going to be and how to educate my partner on how to get around those challenges. I forgave myself for every relationship and all the emotional turmoil I experienced and accepted them as work my soul was trying to complete. Have I gotten married? No. But with this soul work, I realized marriage is not the goal, but another destination on a greater journey: healing Fatima.
Do I clone? Absolutely. Will I continue to clone? With better judgment, and clearer vision. Will I heal? Definitely. Is that love? Unconditionally.
“…sighs…wipes her eyes…says a silent prayer…pats herself on the back…and thanks God for Grace….”
Psalm 138:8
“The Lord will perfect that which concerns me…”
The Pattern
I find myself attracted to men who at their best are confident, ambitious, articulate, intelligent, passionate, and frank. At their worst, those same men were insensitive, selfish, unavailable, manipulative, disrespectful, and at times cold. I blamed myself for a long time for “always attracting the same man” and had resolved that no matter what, I was destined to be challenged because, I, was cloning this unloving experience. No doubt, this type of feeling was fatalistic and depressing. It lead me into several sexual hiatuses, the church (don’t front, some of us find the Lord when we’ve lost a love), and even into relationships with people whom I felt no spark with in an effort to not be alone. Obviously, I wasn’t dealing to well.
The “Ah Ha” Moment
Then after I was feeling the pain of another abandonment, I was sulking on the couch watching The Oprah Winfrey Show and saw a psychotherapist named Harvel Hendricks discussing his couples therapy technique: Imago Therapy, which evaluates why patterns in relationships seem to cripple so many of us. In his segment he quoted a phrase that has stayed with me since: “the deeper the wound, the stronger the bond”. I was floored. Oprah asked him to expound, and I’m paraphrasing here, but he went on to explain: “each of us has a set of experiences from our childhood where we were wounded by our caretakers. In an effort to survive, our mind coaches us through the wound and provides us with enough resolve to get through it. Although the wound is not healed, we do, in some miraculous way, discover a way to get past the hurt. Until, that is, cupid’s arrow pricks us.” Dr. Hendricks went on further, “When nature attracts us to a particular person, what we are experiencing is a Divine appointment to heal what was wounded when we were children. As a matter of fact, the person for which we fall madly in love with will possess the very characteristics of the caretaker that had the most profound impact on us as children. Our first reaction, once nature’s anesthesia has worn off, will be to run, or free ourselves from this person who is touching on the tenderest part of our souls: our unhealed wounds, but, if we are open and reflective with our partner, communicating our needs and asking for their support, our partners stand to heal us in a way that no other person can: completely”. Thus, according to Hendricks theory our patterns are really our souls reaching out for healing and not a matter of flimsy will, poor choices, or desperation. And then I breathed. I took the deepest, most validating breath. I breathed the air of peace, hope, and strength. I knew, in that moment, that I wasn’t some relationship lame who could not make wise choices. I was, like every other person in this world, a human being longing to be made whole through the healing of deep wounds.
A New Approach to Love
Once I was armed with these new truths regarding why we continue to choose who we choose I began to take a new approach to love. First, I ran right out and got Hendrick's books: Getting the Love You Want, and Keeping the Love You Find and researched who I am, and what my needs/wounds were and the type of person that would ultimately catch my soul’s eye. I then began to work with my soul instead of against it knowing in advance what my relationship challenges were going to be and how to educate my partner on how to get around those challenges. I forgave myself for every relationship and all the emotional turmoil I experienced and accepted them as work my soul was trying to complete. Have I gotten married? No. But with this soul work, I realized marriage is not the goal, but another destination on a greater journey: healing Fatima.
Do I clone? Absolutely. Will I continue to clone? With better judgment, and clearer vision. Will I heal? Definitely. Is that love? Unconditionally.
“…sighs…wipes her eyes…says a silent prayer…pats herself on the back…and thanks God for Grace….”
Psalm 138:8
“The Lord will perfect that which concerns me…”
Untitled...Okay...Love....
Bell Hooks says we don't know a thing about love the verb. Steve Harvey says love is the result of adhering to gender specific rules. Your momma (at least mine) says all you have to do is pray. The church says not to worry about a thing; to every thing there is a season and your "season" of love will come at God's appointed time. Karrine Steffans (a.k. a Superhead) says you are just one good lick on the lollipop from finding, seducing, and keeping the man you want.
Huh? $&**@$%!!! I'm confused!
One man. One woman. Eventually that's the equation that we find ourselves in. One man, one woman. We make our decisions based on those two very important variables. Who is this man? Who is this woman? Do the "rules" apply when the chemistry is fire, the tug pulls on your heart and all you see is this one man, or this one woman? As my readers on this site know, I am totally naive about love. I have found myself saying and doing things in the name of love that turned out not to represent me real self. But wait! Isn't it really about that? Having the courage to step out there, be vulnerable and find out more about you? Okay let's not get to esoteric about it; love is about finding what was lost, reclaiming what is good, and following through on what is real. So since all these "authorities" have weighed in (and gotten rich) off of our desire to understand love I'm going to give it a try:
Love is: the absence of fear, the purpose and drive to explore, the willingness to fall, the courage to get back up, the acknowledgement of what is wrong in order to locate what is right, the peace of sensuality, the divine connection, the non-violent resistance to lovelessness, the assurance that life is meaningful, the coffee to this dull existence, the sugar for that coffee, and the caffeine that brings us to life. Love is all those things disgusting, and pure. Love is the ultimate paradox. It is the unknown; it is an abyss. It is the desire to know, do, and feel more, and the willingness to admit there was nothing to know, do, and feel more of. Love is mathematically equated: one man x one woman = infinity. So what does this all mean? It means there are no rules. If this male dominated society of media, literature, and laws wanted us too, we'd see and experience love through patriarchial fantasy and the absence of feminine sensuality. Do it! Jump In! Forget about what you've read, analyzed, and conjured! Live in your heart, not your mind; love is in the heart, not the mind. It's a four letter word; you know that without it, you will not have anything else. It is the substance, the salt, of our existence.
ms.b
Huh? $&**@$%!!! I'm confused!
One man. One woman. Eventually that's the equation that we find ourselves in. One man, one woman. We make our decisions based on those two very important variables. Who is this man? Who is this woman? Do the "rules" apply when the chemistry is fire, the tug pulls on your heart and all you see is this one man, or this one woman? As my readers on this site know, I am totally naive about love. I have found myself saying and doing things in the name of love that turned out not to represent me real self. But wait! Isn't it really about that? Having the courage to step out there, be vulnerable and find out more about you? Okay let's not get to esoteric about it; love is about finding what was lost, reclaiming what is good, and following through on what is real. So since all these "authorities" have weighed in (and gotten rich) off of our desire to understand love I'm going to give it a try:
Love is: the absence of fear, the purpose and drive to explore, the willingness to fall, the courage to get back up, the acknowledgement of what is wrong in order to locate what is right, the peace of sensuality, the divine connection, the non-violent resistance to lovelessness, the assurance that life is meaningful, the coffee to this dull existence, the sugar for that coffee, and the caffeine that brings us to life. Love is all those things disgusting, and pure. Love is the ultimate paradox. It is the unknown; it is an abyss. It is the desire to know, do, and feel more, and the willingness to admit there was nothing to know, do, and feel more of. Love is mathematically equated: one man x one woman = infinity. So what does this all mean? It means there are no rules. If this male dominated society of media, literature, and laws wanted us too, we'd see and experience love through patriarchial fantasy and the absence of feminine sensuality. Do it! Jump In! Forget about what you've read, analyzed, and conjured! Live in your heart, not your mind; love is in the heart, not the mind. It's a four letter word; you know that without it, you will not have anything else. It is the substance, the salt, of our existence.
ms.b
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