It took courage, support, and the assurance that I would not die to remove my wisdom teeth. That realization took approximately three years. After locating an incredible oral surgeon and beckoning my strength from within I faced my fear of surgery and went in to have the teeth extracted. Really, it was uneventful. Almost to the point that I felt foolish; one minute I was following directions as they plugged me up to machines, the next I was waking up and asking for my surgeon. In and out. I was done. With relatively little to no pain (the drugs were out of sight).
But more importantly I experienced what many might call a "moment of clarity" about fear and how I was and have been paralyzed by it. Because of my litany of "what ifs" I had conjured more than enough excuses about why I wouldn't get my wisdom teeth extracted. Sure, they weren't based on any substantial information. But nonetheless, they were based on my emotions. And all points of my emotions were saying "DANNNGGERRR". Talk about feelings leading you in the wrong direction.
So in the true nature of According to Fatima, it became exceedingly important to me to think about how many other aspects of my life I had sacrificed over to my feelings. In the modern world we are taught to trust our feelings, listen to our feelings, and to be guided by our feelings. But what about those feelings that are habitually distorted? What about those of us who frequently battle feelings of fear, unworthiness, and lack? Do we allow those feelings to instruct us also? My initial response is a resounding NO, but in truth, my path uncovers a new answer: YES.
In my haze of narcotics one of the ongoing feelings I had was of gratitude. I was grateful that surgery had been successful, grateful to my mother for being a wonderful caretaker, and grateful that I had the courage to take care of myself in a way that may seem minute, but represented a new place in my life. These feelings I trust.
But my discovery of the feelings that I had prior to the surgery were under scrutiny. I began to ask myself: how many other things in your life have you neglected because your feelings have told you that they were dangerous? How often have you shied away from opportunity or health or love or happiness or any other of the life experiences that bring gratitude because you felt fear? Immediately my life got rather small and I realized the role that fear was playing on my decisions.
I don't have some amazing antidote or solution that is novel or profound. My answer is simply to do it. That's what happened to me this past week: I stopped letting fear control my thoughts and just did what needed to be done. I accessed the infinite protector and called upon my faith and realized one thing: I don't know the day, the hour, or the experience that will end my life. What I do know is that it is up to me to live until then.
Fear has a distorted way of paralyzing our actions because it can show up as feelings. Why not avoid this or that because it doesn't feel right? Well, I know now that my feelings have to co-exist with my desire to live. I can no longer allow feelings to have the final say. Feeling like all parts of who I am are simply that: a part. If I give over to feeling, and ignore the other pieces of my puzzle how will I know when I have succumb to a incoherent fear rather than a legitimate warning? The only way I have learned to answer this question is by moving forward. Some times the fear will be greater than the experience, as in the case of my oral surgery. And sometimes I will have a lesson on the other end of the experience that I simple could not ignore. Either way, staying stuck, is not an option.
Life is a risk, and I have to trust that in living I am guided. I believe now, more than ever, that there is a source of infinite wisdom, protection, and guidance that will order my steps; and it's name isn't feeling, it's God.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
When God Delays You
When God delays you, in whatever you are waiting for, the arrangements are being worked out. Period.
So often we are impatient, we want what we want, when we want it. We can experience a host of feelings as a result of this impatience. At times, we get angry with God. Sometimes we beg. At other times, we decide to "check-out", resigning that God has forgotten about us, and the desires of our heart will not be fulfilled. I know these truths all too well because on any given day, while I am waiting for all that I have asked God for, I have felt these feelings.
Don't despair, the arrangements are being made for you, with you, and through you. There was once an illustration I heard that helps me when I become impatient. It was an image of how I perceive my future versus how God sees it. It was presented this way:
"Suppose you were walking down the street, knowing where you wanted to go, and your focus was on which street to take but, knowing that your range of vision is limited, you take it one block at a time, trusting that when the street you need next arrives, you will be able to make the necessary maneuvers".
"Now that you're walking down this street and focused on the path in front of you, suppose now that there is a helicopter above you."
"Although you are aware of which streets you need to take to arrive at your destination, the pilot of the helicopter can see what is currently going on in the places you haven't arrived at. Even though there isn't much communication between you and the pilot, if necessary, should you go down a street that will lead you to a dead end, the pilot will know before you, simply because of its range of vision. If you should continue down that path, somehow the pilot has a way of redirecting you."
We are all walking in this world, sometimes with a map, sometimes without one. We are the lone travelers on this earth, on a journey. God is the pilot of the helicopter, with exact and whole vision, He sees where we're going, what is happening there, and the best route for us to take in order to get there. Sure, He may not always share this information with us, perhaps we wouldn't listen when and if we got it. But trusting that there is a pilot that will re-direct us if we get lost is at the core of understanding our faith. We will travel to dead ends; God will allow us to be delayed. However, we should all know, when God delays us, it is simply so that all the arrangements can be made.
He sees the next move, the destination, and knows your strength. We will not walk longer than we need to, nor will we tire from our walk.
When there is nothing left but hope and faith, remember:
When God delays you, the arrangements are being worked out in us, through us, and for us.
So often we are impatient, we want what we want, when we want it. We can experience a host of feelings as a result of this impatience. At times, we get angry with God. Sometimes we beg. At other times, we decide to "check-out", resigning that God has forgotten about us, and the desires of our heart will not be fulfilled. I know these truths all too well because on any given day, while I am waiting for all that I have asked God for, I have felt these feelings.
Don't despair, the arrangements are being made for you, with you, and through you. There was once an illustration I heard that helps me when I become impatient. It was an image of how I perceive my future versus how God sees it. It was presented this way:
"Suppose you were walking down the street, knowing where you wanted to go, and your focus was on which street to take but, knowing that your range of vision is limited, you take it one block at a time, trusting that when the street you need next arrives, you will be able to make the necessary maneuvers".
"Now that you're walking down this street and focused on the path in front of you, suppose now that there is a helicopter above you."
"Although you are aware of which streets you need to take to arrive at your destination, the pilot of the helicopter can see what is currently going on in the places you haven't arrived at. Even though there isn't much communication between you and the pilot, if necessary, should you go down a street that will lead you to a dead end, the pilot will know before you, simply because of its range of vision. If you should continue down that path, somehow the pilot has a way of redirecting you."
We are all walking in this world, sometimes with a map, sometimes without one. We are the lone travelers on this earth, on a journey. God is the pilot of the helicopter, with exact and whole vision, He sees where we're going, what is happening there, and the best route for us to take in order to get there. Sure, He may not always share this information with us, perhaps we wouldn't listen when and if we got it. But trusting that there is a pilot that will re-direct us if we get lost is at the core of understanding our faith. We will travel to dead ends; God will allow us to be delayed. However, we should all know, when God delays us, it is simply so that all the arrangements can be made.
He sees the next move, the destination, and knows your strength. We will not walk longer than we need to, nor will we tire from our walk.
When there is nothing left but hope and faith, remember:
When God delays you, the arrangements are being worked out in us, through us, and for us.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Love and Relationships, Are They Overrated?
What is this thing called love...
As many of us bustle through our daily lives we find ourselves asking the eternal questions: Am I loved? Do I love well?
Okay maybe not in that language, but basically you get the point. When the world we live in promotes autonomy and and mis-interprets cooperation with codependence, where do we, the future 'elders' of our society fit in? I ask this question as I probe myself about what it really means to be "in love". Some may answer that it has to do with a feeling, while others may insist it is about the right mixture of personality traits, morals, and of course, equity. But I raise another quesiton, can another person really validate, comfort, and unconditionally love another? I am by no means a pessimist, but when black relationships are reduced to sexual adventures, and Judge Mablelean...the future does appear pretty bleak. Are we really that injured that we cannot find our way to fulfilling, respectful, enlightening, exciting partnership? Have we ever really known that in our community? Can we, as a generation reliant on technology and impulse really demonstrate the patients, practice, and loyalty that successful partnership requires?
I hope so. I need so. As a young single black woman with a desire to put more faith-filled, confident, successful, loving, compassionate, and self-loving youngsters in the world I realize how much we all really need each other. I also realize I cannot do it alone.
Brothers - Just because we don't see what you are doing doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. True manhood is defined in your ability to revere the creator and the role of all of its creation.
Sisters - We were given the womb for a reason - what you birth, will be what is given life - respect the gift you have been given.
Couples - Understand that a request for love is a healing act, not a desire to diminish your person. If you don't know how to...pick up a book, go for a run, get counseling, or ask someone you trust.
Let's commit ourselves to really finding a solution that will work. We are a people so powerful but so disconnected. My challenge to you would be to define love through action and not words. Let those that make you believe in the future see your commitment to them. Let your commitment to them be an observable act.
Thanks for reading my rant - I won't be sending you thousands of dollars from Microsoft, or be cursing you with bad luck, or even worse death, but if you think someone might want to, or need to read this please direct someone to this link.
I love you now, I will love you then, and I loved you first.
As many of us bustle through our daily lives we find ourselves asking the eternal questions: Am I loved? Do I love well?
Okay maybe not in that language, but basically you get the point. When the world we live in promotes autonomy and and mis-interprets cooperation with codependence, where do we, the future 'elders' of our society fit in? I ask this question as I probe myself about what it really means to be "in love". Some may answer that it has to do with a feeling, while others may insist it is about the right mixture of personality traits, morals, and of course, equity. But I raise another quesiton, can another person really validate, comfort, and unconditionally love another? I am by no means a pessimist, but when black relationships are reduced to sexual adventures, and Judge Mablelean...the future does appear pretty bleak. Are we really that injured that we cannot find our way to fulfilling, respectful, enlightening, exciting partnership? Have we ever really known that in our community? Can we, as a generation reliant on technology and impulse really demonstrate the patients, practice, and loyalty that successful partnership requires?
I hope so. I need so. As a young single black woman with a desire to put more faith-filled, confident, successful, loving, compassionate, and self-loving youngsters in the world I realize how much we all really need each other. I also realize I cannot do it alone.
Brothers - Just because we don't see what you are doing doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. True manhood is defined in your ability to revere the creator and the role of all of its creation.
Sisters - We were given the womb for a reason - what you birth, will be what is given life - respect the gift you have been given.
Couples - Understand that a request for love is a healing act, not a desire to diminish your person. If you don't know how to...pick up a book, go for a run, get counseling, or ask someone you trust.
Let's commit ourselves to really finding a solution that will work. We are a people so powerful but so disconnected. My challenge to you would be to define love through action and not words. Let those that make you believe in the future see your commitment to them. Let your commitment to them be an observable act.
Thanks for reading my rant - I won't be sending you thousands of dollars from Microsoft, or be cursing you with bad luck, or even worse death, but if you think someone might want to, or need to read this please direct someone to this link.
I love you now, I will love you then, and I loved you first.
The Settlemate
No, it's not an ugly divorce proceeding; no it's not the contract on a new house; and no, it's not an agreement that two people make. It's the person we let into our lives because loneliness has set in and we don't want to keep sleeping in the bed alone.
I would be remiss if I acted like a settlemate has not creeped into my life....more than once. It's a quite interesting experience as far as I am concerned. The equation goes a little something like:
Loneliness Boredom Any Available Person (Man) = Settlemate.
Maybe I'm the only one...although I doubt it.
Today is a new day; I've decided that's enough settlemates for one lifetime. I made this decision not out of anger, but out of a true desire to love a man for who he is and not to have him in my life simply to fill a space. This is an extremely difficult decision for many women to make because it requires that we look reality in the face and not to let fear force into a decision that we will regret later. Sure, some settlemates have helped me curb the loneliness but there is nothing worse than looking up after several months have passed and realizing that the person who is now taking up more than half of your bed is not the person you want there in the morning. Can I get an Amen?
As tempting as it may seem, the settlemate isn't really a solution. He or She knows a couple of things about you that maybe you haven't even realized yet....lemme break down what they see:
1. You are lonely.
2. You have given up on the idea that you can have the love you want.
3. Somewhere, you lack courage.
4. You are not really that into them.
5. If the partner you really desired came along...you would dump them!
How do I know what a settlemate thinks? Because I've been one. I've known that a man has had me in his life to "fill space" and some of the ways I handled what I think should be appropriately called "using someone's love and time" is that I capitalized on his loneliness. That's right, I did it, I admit it. This is the danger of the settlemate: they know you're not that into them so they attempt to get whatever they want from you in "exchange" for what you are taking from them. This deal is not only problematic but can leave you questioning your sanity! So tell me...
Are you settling with someone now? Have you ever settled in the past to curb loneliness? How did the settlemate re-arrange your thoughts on love?
I would be remiss if I acted like a settlemate has not creeped into my life....more than once. It's a quite interesting experience as far as I am concerned. The equation goes a little something like:
Loneliness Boredom Any Available Person (Man) = Settlemate.
Maybe I'm the only one...although I doubt it.
Today is a new day; I've decided that's enough settlemates for one lifetime. I made this decision not out of anger, but out of a true desire to love a man for who he is and not to have him in my life simply to fill a space. This is an extremely difficult decision for many women to make because it requires that we look reality in the face and not to let fear force into a decision that we will regret later. Sure, some settlemates have helped me curb the loneliness but there is nothing worse than looking up after several months have passed and realizing that the person who is now taking up more than half of your bed is not the person you want there in the morning. Can I get an Amen?
As tempting as it may seem, the settlemate isn't really a solution. He or She knows a couple of things about you that maybe you haven't even realized yet....lemme break down what they see:
1. You are lonely.
2. You have given up on the idea that you can have the love you want.
3. Somewhere, you lack courage.
4. You are not really that into them.
5. If the partner you really desired came along...you would dump them!
How do I know what a settlemate thinks? Because I've been one. I've known that a man has had me in his life to "fill space" and some of the ways I handled what I think should be appropriately called "using someone's love and time" is that I capitalized on his loneliness. That's right, I did it, I admit it. This is the danger of the settlemate: they know you're not that into them so they attempt to get whatever they want from you in "exchange" for what you are taking from them. This deal is not only problematic but can leave you questioning your sanity! So tell me...
Are you settling with someone now? Have you ever settled in the past to curb loneliness? How did the settlemate re-arrange your thoughts on love?
White Collar Men vs. Blue Collar Men
The White Collar Brotha
I can't deny, something about a man who has moved through the ranks of society and established himself as a professional just screams "great catch" at first sight. When out and about, I meet brothas who can list off their accomplishments, education, travels, and as a black woman the first feeling I have is pride. I'm thinking to myself "go on boy wit yo' bad self!". On the surface, I admire his tenacity, resilience, and determination because as a professional woman I know it ain't easy out here. On the other hand, he urkes me. Why? Might you ask. Well let me tell you a bit about some of these brothas beyond the surface:
1.) Watch how his success automatically equates him with being entitled. Oh yes, I said it. Somehow these brothas act like because they were able to get through 4, 6, or 8 years of school suddenly the world revolves around him. He can be egotistical, judgemental, and plain ole snobby!
2.) Have you ever asked him to change a light bulb, take out your trash, or paint your walls with you? I have, and I have received responses from "oh yeah, I'll help you" only to not get the help, or "why should I do it if I can pay someone to do it?" or the worst "you're independent, you don't need my help!" Ugh!
3.) He thinks he's such a hot commodity that he refuses to make a sincere effort at establishing a relationship with just one woman. Somehow, because he has a job with benefits he thinks he can have his "pick of women" and ultimately he becomes a serial dater....ladies be ware!
The Blue Collar Brotha
I consider myself a free agent, and as such, I try to date diverse men. With that said, I have had relationships with men who were not educated, lacked a permanent "job title or profession" and overall, do not appear like they would be equally yoked with a professional woman. And yet, my friends, and some of my family members have found themselves over come with love and admiration for these men. Hmmmm....what gives....I'lll tell you a bit about these men:
1.) They are not bound by what they appear to be. These men tend to have more substance, and as a result, are generally available to meet a woman's needs. Because he's not consumed with spitting off where he went to school, what people he has networked with and how often he watches the market, he tends to see his role in the relationship more clearly.
2.) I can ask him to be a man and he's not insulted, on the contrary he is willing and able. This means when I ask for my car to be washed he finds it rewarding to "take care of his woman". If I need him to protect me from others (co-workers, family, or friends) he steps up because he cherishes me.
3.) He does not see me as a "money maker" and acknowledges me as "his woman". These brothas decided not to run the rat race and as a result seem to enjoy the simplier things in life: making love on a rainy day, a good hot meal, a backrub for those achy joints, and a "thank you for taking my car to the mechanic baby" more than the white collar dudes.
By now you can probably tell I favor a blue collar brotha any day over a white collar brotha. You may even be wondering why I don't just go out and find me one. My answer to your question? They've been snatched up already by smart women who got to them before me! So tell me FH fam:
Do you prefer a white collar brotha to a blue collar brotha and why? Next question, Do you agree with my generalizations regarding blue/white collar brothas or do you disagree? Fellas: why is it that when you get educated you start acting like you're God's gift to the world? Edify me....please!
I can't deny, something about a man who has moved through the ranks of society and established himself as a professional just screams "great catch" at first sight. When out and about, I meet brothas who can list off their accomplishments, education, travels, and as a black woman the first feeling I have is pride. I'm thinking to myself "go on boy wit yo' bad self!". On the surface, I admire his tenacity, resilience, and determination because as a professional woman I know it ain't easy out here. On the other hand, he urkes me. Why? Might you ask. Well let me tell you a bit about some of these brothas beyond the surface:
1.) Watch how his success automatically equates him with being entitled. Oh yes, I said it. Somehow these brothas act like because they were able to get through 4, 6, or 8 years of school suddenly the world revolves around him. He can be egotistical, judgemental, and plain ole snobby!
2.) Have you ever asked him to change a light bulb, take out your trash, or paint your walls with you? I have, and I have received responses from "oh yeah, I'll help you" only to not get the help, or "why should I do it if I can pay someone to do it?" or the worst "you're independent, you don't need my help!" Ugh!
3.) He thinks he's such a hot commodity that he refuses to make a sincere effort at establishing a relationship with just one woman. Somehow, because he has a job with benefits he thinks he can have his "pick of women" and ultimately he becomes a serial dater....ladies be ware!
The Blue Collar Brotha
I consider myself a free agent, and as such, I try to date diverse men. With that said, I have had relationships with men who were not educated, lacked a permanent "job title or profession" and overall, do not appear like they would be equally yoked with a professional woman. And yet, my friends, and some of my family members have found themselves over come with love and admiration for these men. Hmmmm....what gives....I'lll tell you a bit about these men:
1.) They are not bound by what they appear to be. These men tend to have more substance, and as a result, are generally available to meet a woman's needs. Because he's not consumed with spitting off where he went to school, what people he has networked with and how often he watches the market, he tends to see his role in the relationship more clearly.
2.) I can ask him to be a man and he's not insulted, on the contrary he is willing and able. This means when I ask for my car to be washed he finds it rewarding to "take care of his woman". If I need him to protect me from others (co-workers, family, or friends) he steps up because he cherishes me.
3.) He does not see me as a "money maker" and acknowledges me as "his woman". These brothas decided not to run the rat race and as a result seem to enjoy the simplier things in life: making love on a rainy day, a good hot meal, a backrub for those achy joints, and a "thank you for taking my car to the mechanic baby" more than the white collar dudes.
By now you can probably tell I favor a blue collar brotha any day over a white collar brotha. You may even be wondering why I don't just go out and find me one. My answer to your question? They've been snatched up already by smart women who got to them before me! So tell me FH fam:
Do you prefer a white collar brotha to a blue collar brotha and why? Next question, Do you agree with my generalizations regarding blue/white collar brothas or do you disagree? Fellas: why is it that when you get educated you start acting like you're God's gift to the world? Edify me....please!
Just Call Me Salacious
Hitting the dating scene takes courage. Let's all face it: we dread the idea of being mistreated, not feelin the chemistry, or worse, feelin the chemistry and it being unrequited.
But what about those little details? They get us all: this one is a little "breezy" while the other "talks only about themselves" while another is just a little too "abrasive" all these can be deemed "turn offs". But there is another element to dating I haven't heard much talk about: The Salacious Woman.
We've discussed time and again about how gender roles in the 21st century are all twisted. We've also discussed the overbearing "grey area" and even discussed a bit or two about the way our bodies are perceived, someone's availability (i.e., married people acting single), and how much a brother should have in his pocket in order to impress a woman.
But what about the Salacious Woman? Have you ever met a woman and thought to yourself: "Damn she's sexy!"? Maybe it was her cow eyes, magnificent stride, or the draw and tone of her voice. Perhaps she even has the audacity to have all these components. Your salivating over her, she's giving you the jitters with every bat of an eyelash and boy, your jumping in all the right places!
But what about the Salacious Woman?
While she is the epitome of fantasy, and most times sought after, does she receive marriage proposals too? We all know, that some men subscribe to the old addage "A lady in the streets...a freak in the sheets..." But what if your woman oozes confidence, sensuality, sexuality, and fire? What if when you see her you know that no matter what she says you really ain't listening, and no matter how far you drove to meet her, you're already thinking about when you're coming back to look, smell, and hopefully touch her. Is she marriage material.
Sex sells, but they forget to mention being salacious is genetic. While many women hit the gym, read all through magazines, there is simply "something" about some women that ignite pure sexuality in the opposite sex. Hell! She ignites sexuality in the same sex! I call it: The Halle Berry Effect. Men love to worship her for her beauty and yet she was in three very public, failed relationships. Her men, beat, cheated, and disposed of her without warning. Yes, she was Halle Berry, and yet, that didn't seem to matter.
No offense, but I've seen enough women who are NOT salacious with attractive, successful men which begs the question in me: do men like to sleep with some women, regardless of their quality as a woman just because their salacious? Are they willing to marry those same women? Or are all the wives supposed to homely? (It's just semantics...don't get offended...but if the shoe fits....)
msb.
But what about those little details? They get us all: this one is a little "breezy" while the other "talks only about themselves" while another is just a little too "abrasive" all these can be deemed "turn offs". But there is another element to dating I haven't heard much talk about: The Salacious Woman.
We've discussed time and again about how gender roles in the 21st century are all twisted. We've also discussed the overbearing "grey area" and even discussed a bit or two about the way our bodies are perceived, someone's availability (i.e., married people acting single), and how much a brother should have in his pocket in order to impress a woman.
But what about the Salacious Woman? Have you ever met a woman and thought to yourself: "Damn she's sexy!"? Maybe it was her cow eyes, magnificent stride, or the draw and tone of her voice. Perhaps she even has the audacity to have all these components. Your salivating over her, she's giving you the jitters with every bat of an eyelash and boy, your jumping in all the right places!
But what about the Salacious Woman?
While she is the epitome of fantasy, and most times sought after, does she receive marriage proposals too? We all know, that some men subscribe to the old addage "A lady in the streets...a freak in the sheets..." But what if your woman oozes confidence, sensuality, sexuality, and fire? What if when you see her you know that no matter what she says you really ain't listening, and no matter how far you drove to meet her, you're already thinking about when you're coming back to look, smell, and hopefully touch her. Is she marriage material.
Sex sells, but they forget to mention being salacious is genetic. While many women hit the gym, read all through magazines, there is simply "something" about some women that ignite pure sexuality in the opposite sex. Hell! She ignites sexuality in the same sex! I call it: The Halle Berry Effect. Men love to worship her for her beauty and yet she was in three very public, failed relationships. Her men, beat, cheated, and disposed of her without warning. Yes, she was Halle Berry, and yet, that didn't seem to matter.
No offense, but I've seen enough women who are NOT salacious with attractive, successful men which begs the question in me: do men like to sleep with some women, regardless of their quality as a woman just because their salacious? Are they willing to marry those same women? Or are all the wives supposed to homely? (It's just semantics...don't get offended...but if the shoe fits....)
msb.
The Mystery of Passion
Perhaps I simply have too much time on my hands. Maybe I think too hard, read too many books or listen to too many stories about love, loss, and our courageous attempts to get it back again. Maybe I'm wrong, afterall, I present mostly theory, no hardcore evidence. What if, instead of that one night of passion, I insist on a lifetime of love?
Passion, is to me, is the sweetest nectar. It brings joy and life to every cell in my body. Physical connection to a man? Well, there's just no other experience more delicious than feeling the power, instensity, and moisture of a man as he rocks me through his physical journey. His journey propels me out of the universe, rocks me through waves of ectasy, and soothes me through each pain, every worry, and all the tender spots that I left un-attended. Oh yes, I have had nights, a few, I must admit, when the man that held me, stroked me, found me, tore me apart, and put me back together again had me shaking, trembling, and cleaving his every limb...hoping that we never disconnect. I lingered on every touch, sensation, and the pure bliss of the electricity pulsating through each part of our organism.
And when the vortex subsided and my moisture becomes a dew,
I rest.
When I awaken, I am strong, I am vibrant, I am full of life.
I am alone.
So what did I really want?
To be fucked?
Or to be loved?
Passion, is to me, is the sweetest nectar. It brings joy and life to every cell in my body. Physical connection to a man? Well, there's just no other experience more delicious than feeling the power, instensity, and moisture of a man as he rocks me through his physical journey. His journey propels me out of the universe, rocks me through waves of ectasy, and soothes me through each pain, every worry, and all the tender spots that I left un-attended. Oh yes, I have had nights, a few, I must admit, when the man that held me, stroked me, found me, tore me apart, and put me back together again had me shaking, trembling, and cleaving his every limb...hoping that we never disconnect. I lingered on every touch, sensation, and the pure bliss of the electricity pulsating through each part of our organism.
And when the vortex subsided and my moisture becomes a dew,
I rest.
When I awaken, I am strong, I am vibrant, I am full of life.
I am alone.
So what did I really want?
To be fucked?
Or to be loved?
This is a Love Letter...
I am a woman. W - 0 - M - A- N. I am free to desire, define, and decide on my womanhood. I AM. I live free from the patriarchial descriptions of who I am...I understand the Passion of Being a Woman. And yet, in your Bible, Quran, Constitution, or even in your mind, I am not a woman, but your object.
I cannot serve you. I am here to help. I do not want to be needed, I desire for you to desire me. Not for attention, but because I do the rest for myself, just fine, thank you. I understand you, feel you, and love you. I just cannot tolerate your manipulation of those gifts. I see you. In the dark, alone, happy, and even distressed. Don't punish me for seeing you. I pray for you. Not just for your well being, but for you to have the strength to be who you are meant to be. I do not, however, idolize you. I am content just being me, a woman, every 28 days.
Please do not blame me. It is not wrong of me to love you. Lest you consider yourselves loveless. I did not abandon you. I did not make you alone, but struggled to keep you well. I ask only that you receive your gifts and use them abundantly.
Where are you? Have I lost you? I have never strayed or wondered anywhere else; I wait patiently for you. I have accepted your judgment and resisted your wrath. Come back to me.
This is a letter to my brothers, fathers, men, and lovers.
I cannot serve you. I am here to help. I do not want to be needed, I desire for you to desire me. Not for attention, but because I do the rest for myself, just fine, thank you. I understand you, feel you, and love you. I just cannot tolerate your manipulation of those gifts. I see you. In the dark, alone, happy, and even distressed. Don't punish me for seeing you. I pray for you. Not just for your well being, but for you to have the strength to be who you are meant to be. I do not, however, idolize you. I am content just being me, a woman, every 28 days.
Please do not blame me. It is not wrong of me to love you. Lest you consider yourselves loveless. I did not abandon you. I did not make you alone, but struggled to keep you well. I ask only that you receive your gifts and use them abundantly.
Where are you? Have I lost you? I have never strayed or wondered anywhere else; I wait patiently for you. I have accepted your judgment and resisted your wrath. Come back to me.
This is a letter to my brothers, fathers, men, and lovers.
Everybody, Is Somebody's Bitch
Everybody is somebody's bitch.
Period.
Oh yes, you have found yourself surrendering, giving, handling, tolerating, driving, silencing, cooking for someone whose love was unrequited. Why? Because EVERYONE is somebody's bitch.
Look, the time of denial is over. Yes, you want to believe that you have complete power over every decision that you make, but oh, you are under someone else's spell. It doesn't have to be love, sex, or even money...they just have you.
And you've got someone too. Everybody is somebody's bitch. As the benefactor you minimize. "Oh he just likes to do those things for me; She has it, so she feels open to sharing it....." All the while knowing you would not do for that person a tenth of what they are doing for you. Why? Because they're your bitch. And you? You're someone else's bitch. As the donor, well, you make excuses. You tell yourself..."he would do it for me...if she had it she would give it to me". See...you specialize in lies. The worst part? The only one being decieved is you. Why? Because you can't be powerful, amazing you without balancing....so you've gotta be bitched...it's all about the balance really.
So while we pretend to want to balance the scales, have a moment of honesty...okay for some a moment is too long...so you go ahead and take 5 seconds of honesty then. Remember when you were being bitched? What is that word you were feeling again? Oh yeah, I know....vulnerable. Well, your bitch is feeling that way right now...RIGHT NOW! While you're accepting gifts, not returning calls, or laughing to yourself or someone else about how "dumb" this person is for being your bitch...remember...
You're somebody's BITCH too.
Period.
Oh yes, you have found yourself surrendering, giving, handling, tolerating, driving, silencing, cooking for someone whose love was unrequited. Why? Because EVERYONE is somebody's bitch.
Look, the time of denial is over. Yes, you want to believe that you have complete power over every decision that you make, but oh, you are under someone else's spell. It doesn't have to be love, sex, or even money...they just have you.
And you've got someone too. Everybody is somebody's bitch. As the benefactor you minimize. "Oh he just likes to do those things for me; She has it, so she feels open to sharing it....." All the while knowing you would not do for that person a tenth of what they are doing for you. Why? Because they're your bitch. And you? You're someone else's bitch. As the donor, well, you make excuses. You tell yourself..."he would do it for me...if she had it she would give it to me". See...you specialize in lies. The worst part? The only one being decieved is you. Why? Because you can't be powerful, amazing you without balancing....so you've gotta be bitched...it's all about the balance really.
So while we pretend to want to balance the scales, have a moment of honesty...okay for some a moment is too long...so you go ahead and take 5 seconds of honesty then. Remember when you were being bitched? What is that word you were feeling again? Oh yeah, I know....vulnerable. Well, your bitch is feeling that way right now...RIGHT NOW! While you're accepting gifts, not returning calls, or laughing to yourself or someone else about how "dumb" this person is for being your bitch...remember...
You're somebody's BITCH too.
What's Up With the New School Man?
To say that men have changed in the 21st century is an understatement. I love spending time with my 86 year old grandmother. I listen with envy as she tells stories of her single days; they sound nothing like mine! Her memories are colored with remnants of men paying the milk man in order to impress her, buying her grocceries and leaving them on her doorstep, and even giving her complete access to their bank accounts to use at her pleasure.
But really though, there is much conversation about how women have changed. But what about the way in which men have reduced their efforts in order to gain the approval or admiration of a woman? A few examples of modern day courting sound a little like this: "Hey what's up, why don't you meet me at the spot?" or "Can we go Dutch?" or my favorite, "I mean I was just sayin' why can't we just chill at your house?"
What happend to courting? What happend to showing a woman why you should become a part of her life? Where has the idea of impressing women gone? How did we loose you fellas? What did we loose you to? Money? Other men? Too much access to sex? The internet? What is it?
I really want to know...you have our complete attention...we are listening.
But really though, there is much conversation about how women have changed. But what about the way in which men have reduced their efforts in order to gain the approval or admiration of a woman? A few examples of modern day courting sound a little like this: "Hey what's up, why don't you meet me at the spot?" or "Can we go Dutch?" or my favorite, "I mean I was just sayin' why can't we just chill at your house?"
What happend to courting? What happend to showing a woman why you should become a part of her life? Where has the idea of impressing women gone? How did we loose you fellas? What did we loose you to? Money? Other men? Too much access to sex? The internet? What is it?
I really want to know...you have our complete attention...we are listening.
Are We Trying to Clone or Heal?
Each time a long term relationship or a relationship that has had a deep effect on me comes to an end, I, like every adult seeking empowerment, do an assessment. Invariably, I find that many of the traits and aspects of the person I have just ended a relationship with are the same traits and aspects that caused me to end the last relationship, and the one before that, and the one before that….
The Pattern
I find myself attracted to men who at their best are confident, ambitious, articulate, intelligent, passionate, and frank. At their worst, those same men were insensitive, selfish, unavailable, manipulative, disrespectful, and at times cold.
I blamed myself for a long time for “always attracting the same man” and had resolved that no matter what, I was destined to be challenged because, I, was cloning this unloving experience. No doubt, this type of feeling was fatalistic and depressing. It lead me into several sexual hiatuses, the church (don’t front, some of us find the Lord when we’ve lost a love), and even into relationships with people whom I felt no spark with in an effort to not be alone. Obviously, I wasn’t dealing to well.
The “Ah Ha” Moment
Then after I was feeling the pain of another abandonment, I was sulking on the couch watching The Oprah Winfrey Show and saw a psychotherapist named Harvel Hendricks discussing his couples therapy technique: Imago Therapy, which evaluates why patterns in relationships seem to cripple so many of us. In his segment he quoted a phrase that has stayed with me since: “the deeper the wound, the stronger the bond”. I was floored. Oprah asked him to expound, and I’m paraphrasing here, but he went on to explain: “each of us has a set of experiences from our childhood where we were wounded by our caretakers. In an effort to survive, our mind coaches us through the wound and provides us with enough resolve to get through it. Although the wound is not healed, we do, in some miraculous way, discover a way to get past the hurt. Until, that is, cupid’s arrow pricks us.” Dr. Hendricks went on further, “When nature attracts us to a particular person, what we are experiencing is a Divine appointment to heal what was wounded when we were children. As a matter of fact, the person for which we fall madly in love with will possess the very characteristics of the caretaker that had the most profound impact on us as children. Our first reaction, once nature’s anesthesia has worn off, will be to run, or free ourselves from this person who is touching on the tenderest part of our souls: our unhealed wounds, but, if we are open and reflective with our partner, communicating our needs and asking for their support, our partners stand to heal us in a way that no other person can: completely”. Thus, according to Hendricks theory our patterns are really our souls reaching out for healing and not a matter of flimsy will, poor choices, or desperation. And then I breathed. I took the deepest, most validating breath. I breathed the air of peace, hope, and strength. I knew, in that moment, that I wasn’t some relationship lame who could not make wise choices. I was, like every other person in this world, a human being longing to be made whole through the healing of deep wounds.
A New Approach to Love
Once I was armed with these new truths regarding why we continue to choose who we choose I began to take a new approach to love. First, I ran right out and got Hendrick's books: Getting the Love You Want, and Keeping the Love You Find and researched who I am, and what my needs/wounds were and the type of person that would ultimately catch my soul’s eye. I then began to work with my soul instead of against it knowing in advance what my relationship challenges were going to be and how to educate my partner on how to get around those challenges. I forgave myself for every relationship and all the emotional turmoil I experienced and accepted them as work my soul was trying to complete. Have I gotten married? No. But with this soul work, I realized marriage is not the goal, but another destination on a greater journey: healing Fatima (btw…that’s me…lol).
Do I clone? Absolutely. Will I continue to clone? With better judgment, and clearer vision. Will I heal? Definitely. Is that love? Unconditionally.
“…sighs…wipes her eyes…says a silent prayer…pats herself on the back…and thanks God for Grace….”
Psalm 138:8
“The Lord will perfect that which concerns me…”
The Pattern
I find myself attracted to men who at their best are confident, ambitious, articulate, intelligent, passionate, and frank. At their worst, those same men were insensitive, selfish, unavailable, manipulative, disrespectful, and at times cold.
I blamed myself for a long time for “always attracting the same man” and had resolved that no matter what, I was destined to be challenged because, I, was cloning this unloving experience. No doubt, this type of feeling was fatalistic and depressing. It lead me into several sexual hiatuses, the church (don’t front, some of us find the Lord when we’ve lost a love), and even into relationships with people whom I felt no spark with in an effort to not be alone. Obviously, I wasn’t dealing to well.
The “Ah Ha” Moment
Then after I was feeling the pain of another abandonment, I was sulking on the couch watching The Oprah Winfrey Show and saw a psychotherapist named Harvel Hendricks discussing his couples therapy technique: Imago Therapy, which evaluates why patterns in relationships seem to cripple so many of us. In his segment he quoted a phrase that has stayed with me since: “the deeper the wound, the stronger the bond”. I was floored. Oprah asked him to expound, and I’m paraphrasing here, but he went on to explain: “each of us has a set of experiences from our childhood where we were wounded by our caretakers. In an effort to survive, our mind coaches us through the wound and provides us with enough resolve to get through it. Although the wound is not healed, we do, in some miraculous way, discover a way to get past the hurt. Until, that is, cupid’s arrow pricks us.” Dr. Hendricks went on further, “When nature attracts us to a particular person, what we are experiencing is a Divine appointment to heal what was wounded when we were children. As a matter of fact, the person for which we fall madly in love with will possess the very characteristics of the caretaker that had the most profound impact on us as children. Our first reaction, once nature’s anesthesia has worn off, will be to run, or free ourselves from this person who is touching on the tenderest part of our souls: our unhealed wounds, but, if we are open and reflective with our partner, communicating our needs and asking for their support, our partners stand to heal us in a way that no other person can: completely”. Thus, according to Hendricks theory our patterns are really our souls reaching out for healing and not a matter of flimsy will, poor choices, or desperation. And then I breathed. I took the deepest, most validating breath. I breathed the air of peace, hope, and strength. I knew, in that moment, that I wasn’t some relationship lame who could not make wise choices. I was, like every other person in this world, a human being longing to be made whole through the healing of deep wounds.
A New Approach to Love
Once I was armed with these new truths regarding why we continue to choose who we choose I began to take a new approach to love. First, I ran right out and got Hendrick's books: Getting the Love You Want, and Keeping the Love You Find and researched who I am, and what my needs/wounds were and the type of person that would ultimately catch my soul’s eye. I then began to work with my soul instead of against it knowing in advance what my relationship challenges were going to be and how to educate my partner on how to get around those challenges. I forgave myself for every relationship and all the emotional turmoil I experienced and accepted them as work my soul was trying to complete. Have I gotten married? No. But with this soul work, I realized marriage is not the goal, but another destination on a greater journey: healing Fatima (btw…that’s me…lol).
Do I clone? Absolutely. Will I continue to clone? With better judgment, and clearer vision. Will I heal? Definitely. Is that love? Unconditionally.
“…sighs…wipes her eyes…says a silent prayer…pats herself on the back…and thanks God for Grace….”
Psalm 138:8
“The Lord will perfect that which concerns me…”
New School Woman....Old School Gender Roles
"Welcome home Honey! How was your day? Can I take your jacket? Let me get you a scotch...dinner will be ready in a few! Me? Oh I'm fine now that you're here! Yes, the kids...well they're washed up and in bed. Oh is that what you want? Okay...In the bedroom? The kitchen? Oh! Right here? Okay...let me get a pillow for my knees..."
You have just read my synopsis of what it seems everyman fantasizes about at one time or another: The Perfect Woman. You know who I'm talking about: a splash of Claire Huxtable, a little Florida Evans, and a whole lot of Vanessa Del Rio.
As a dating woman approaching thirty, I often ask myself: does this woman really exist? In my early twenties, I have to admit, I had dreams of becoming this woman. I wanted to be everything my man wanted from me and more. What I got was forty extra pounds of worry, isolation, and fear. In my mid twenties, while I was getting a graduate degree, I did my best to play the part only to be involved with a man who always wanted more.
As I approach 30, I'm letting that woman live where she belongs: in T.V.Land.
Were these images created to prevent normal working women from asking to be protected, cared, and provided for? Have we, as a nation, ruled by technology and television insisted on the "fantasy" of the perfect woman rather than the real thing? I wonder....
I am a woman. Bonified. Emotional. Resilient. Fragile. Verbose. Sensual. Graceful. Soft. Unpredictable. Spiritual.
I am also this woman: Assertive. Proud. Arrogant. Egotistical. Demanding.
How does a girl reconcile the two?
How, when the dating pool is flooded with folks who'd rather stick to old school pretentions about women, absent of new school traits, does a new school gal get a man?
You know, the woman Neo's talking about...Miss Independent. Notice, though, she isn't Mrs. Indpendent. So that begs the question...Is all the hoopla about independent women only a facade? Do men actually want to be with a woman who is demure, quiet, and who sticks to the old school gender roles?
Before you answer or jump to conclusions, just remember, the old school gal had nothing on the house or the car note. She wasn't able to help you strategize your way up the corporate latter, and no, she didn't feel comfortable letting the freak out....it was against her religion.
Come on...weigh in...New School Woman or Old School Gender Roles?
You have just read my synopsis of what it seems everyman fantasizes about at one time or another: The Perfect Woman. You know who I'm talking about: a splash of Claire Huxtable, a little Florida Evans, and a whole lot of Vanessa Del Rio.
As a dating woman approaching thirty, I often ask myself: does this woman really exist? In my early twenties, I have to admit, I had dreams of becoming this woman. I wanted to be everything my man wanted from me and more. What I got was forty extra pounds of worry, isolation, and fear. In my mid twenties, while I was getting a graduate degree, I did my best to play the part only to be involved with a man who always wanted more.
As I approach 30, I'm letting that woman live where she belongs: in T.V.Land.
Were these images created to prevent normal working women from asking to be protected, cared, and provided for? Have we, as a nation, ruled by technology and television insisted on the "fantasy" of the perfect woman rather than the real thing? I wonder....
I am a woman. Bonified. Emotional. Resilient. Fragile. Verbose. Sensual. Graceful. Soft. Unpredictable. Spiritual.
I am also this woman: Assertive. Proud. Arrogant. Egotistical. Demanding.
How does a girl reconcile the two?
How, when the dating pool is flooded with folks who'd rather stick to old school pretentions about women, absent of new school traits, does a new school gal get a man?
You know, the woman Neo's talking about...Miss Independent. Notice, though, she isn't Mrs. Indpendent. So that begs the question...Is all the hoopla about independent women only a facade? Do men actually want to be with a woman who is demure, quiet, and who sticks to the old school gender roles?
Before you answer or jump to conclusions, just remember, the old school gal had nothing on the house or the car note. She wasn't able to help you strategize your way up the corporate latter, and no, she didn't feel comfortable letting the freak out....it was against her religion.
Come on...weigh in...New School Woman or Old School Gender Roles?
I Never Thought Rejection Could Feel So Good!
How many times have I dated, only to be stirring in the subsequent 24 hours with a mirage of questions: "Did he like me?"..."I wonder what he thought?"..."Did I talk too much?"
After reading Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man I decided to jump right out there and ask some of those hard questions of my date following what I would call: a luke warm connection. I thought, what better way to prove Steve Harvey right or wrong then to try it out. After all, I had absolutely nothing to loose.
My experiement, however, did not come without a bit of fear. I was totally worried that I would look "desperate" or "pushy" for asking my date to articulate what his thoughts were about our date.
I didn't wait for the "courtesy call" I went ahead and called him. This is how it went:
Me: Hey ____ ! How are you?
Him: Good! It's nice to hear from you?
Me: So I was calling to see what you thought about our date yesterday.
Him: Yeah, I've been thinking about it a lot since then...you are a very beautiful woman.
Me: Thanks! So what were your thougths, what did you think of me?
Him: Hmmm....well...how should I say this? (awkward silence) I'm having a hard time saying this...let me get my thoughts together.
Me: Okay...(although very difficult...complete silence from me)
Him: You are an extremely beautiful woman. If I was younger, well, I would have no problem trying to see you. (translation: sleep with you) But, well, for what I want to do with myself right now....
Me: I don't understand, can you explain further?
Him: Well, you are so beautiful, you have great energy, I think you are very smart. I just think for where I am, well I don't think we would make a good match.
Me: Well, thank you! I really appreciate your honesty! You know, if you're ever in the area...don't hesistate to call. It would be nice to hang out some time!
Him: I will definately take you up on that!
Me: I really mean it, well, take care, have a wonderful week!
Him: Thanks, you too, and I really enjoyed meeting you.
All this time dating, I thought it was inappropiate to ask. And here, after this conversation I felt empowered! I realized, that all along, dating, has been difficult because I haven't asked for answers to the pressing questions I had. I have, throughout my twenties assumed that the man would know what I wanted to know, and further, tell me. Although this date according to both our accounts was not "love at first sight" I still wanted to know how it went. I wanted to know, in so many words, what it was like to experience a date with me. And yes, while he might not have felt a spark, my esteem, my hopes for meeting someone new and establishing a connection were somehow kept in tact.
Now that's a MAN.
I think women, especially black women, get a bad rep for seeming demanding or further sometimes even manipulative. I offer, if these stereotypes fit you, then clean it up some. Ask the questions you want to know the answers to! You have a right! Let the man feel like he has a voice in this and further, that just because you're both single you don't expect him to "bun you up!"
I have called since my "rejection" from said date and wished him well, inquired on how he was doing and how his "search" for a mate has been going. The best part of this rejection? I may not have found "the one" but I certainly gained a friend.
I never knew rejection could feel so good!
After reading Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man I decided to jump right out there and ask some of those hard questions of my date following what I would call: a luke warm connection. I thought, what better way to prove Steve Harvey right or wrong then to try it out. After all, I had absolutely nothing to loose.
My experiement, however, did not come without a bit of fear. I was totally worried that I would look "desperate" or "pushy" for asking my date to articulate what his thoughts were about our date.
I didn't wait for the "courtesy call" I went ahead and called him. This is how it went:
Me: Hey ____ ! How are you?
Him: Good! It's nice to hear from you?
Me: So I was calling to see what you thought about our date yesterday.
Him: Yeah, I've been thinking about it a lot since then...you are a very beautiful woman.
Me: Thanks! So what were your thougths, what did you think of me?
Him: Hmmm....well...how should I say this? (awkward silence) I'm having a hard time saying this...let me get my thoughts together.
Me: Okay...(although very difficult...complete silence from me)
Him: You are an extremely beautiful woman. If I was younger, well, I would have no problem trying to see you. (translation: sleep with you) But, well, for what I want to do with myself right now....
Me: I don't understand, can you explain further?
Him: Well, you are so beautiful, you have great energy, I think you are very smart. I just think for where I am, well I don't think we would make a good match.
Me: Well, thank you! I really appreciate your honesty! You know, if you're ever in the area...don't hesistate to call. It would be nice to hang out some time!
Him: I will definately take you up on that!
Me: I really mean it, well, take care, have a wonderful week!
Him: Thanks, you too, and I really enjoyed meeting you.
All this time dating, I thought it was inappropiate to ask. And here, after this conversation I felt empowered! I realized, that all along, dating, has been difficult because I haven't asked for answers to the pressing questions I had. I have, throughout my twenties assumed that the man would know what I wanted to know, and further, tell me. Although this date according to both our accounts was not "love at first sight" I still wanted to know how it went. I wanted to know, in so many words, what it was like to experience a date with me. And yes, while he might not have felt a spark, my esteem, my hopes for meeting someone new and establishing a connection were somehow kept in tact.
Now that's a MAN.
I think women, especially black women, get a bad rep for seeming demanding or further sometimes even manipulative. I offer, if these stereotypes fit you, then clean it up some. Ask the questions you want to know the answers to! You have a right! Let the man feel like he has a voice in this and further, that just because you're both single you don't expect him to "bun you up!"
I have called since my "rejection" from said date and wished him well, inquired on how he was doing and how his "search" for a mate has been going. The best part of this rejection? I may not have found "the one" but I certainly gained a friend.
I never knew rejection could feel so good!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Ruthless Ambition
Take a brief moment and indulge in a little visualization with me:
It's a warm day in May, the sweet aroma of Magnolia trees is being lifted from their host and carried gently in by the wind through a window, slightly ajar. Inside the room now fragrant with Magnolia you are dressing in the most beautiful gown you have ever seen yourself in. There is tapestry and embroidery, perhaps even a silken shape, and you are a bride. There is fuss about you as the women you love so much are gathering around singing your praising, and catching details of imperfection on your behalf. The buzz of anxiety is about you, yet you feel still. You have won your prize, and in moments, you will be publicly named First Lady of this man's life. Instead of fussing over the dress, the flowers, and the bridesmaids, you, are singularly focused on getting down that isle: you've waited for this moment for years, for you, the trip is not just down the isle ahead, rather, it's been an epic journey.
He stands erect as the church doors open. You pause, simply to admire his waiting. For you know quite a bit about waiting. As you saunter down the isle you think to yourself: "this is it! this is my time! I have finally arrived!" He stands, and waits, serious and contemplative, as you reach him. And then of course, you live happily ever after.
Or do you? This is not another commentary or judgement against the modern woman and her obsession with marriage. There is plenty in the circuit of online publishing, books, magazines, and so forth in order to keep a girl occupied with this topic. Rather, I thought about looking at this 'coming of age' experience many women aspire to [and some that seem unable to capture] for the modern woman and why it seems to define us.
In the last thirty years women have changed. Yes, we are, in many ways, a species that embodies resilience, patience, and determination. But sociologically we have changed the very landscape of the world by reaching and soaring to new and unexplored heights. Because we are ambitious in mind and spirit we have celebrated making an impact both personally and globally. But where, oh where, did this drive come from?
Some might say it was necessary for women to become self-sufficient in order to be a viable contribution to the world. I agree with that. Others will say it is because women needed to have the right to express other domains of their ego than simply adoring and catering to husbands and children. I agree with that also. But there is another question: would women have agreed to advance their contribution to the world if it meant a sentence of loneliness, the destruction of our emotional intelligence, or the ignorance of intuition?
To every experience of personal growth there is a part of ourselves that is emphasized and another part that invariably gets put on the "back burner". Such is the case when a person has decided to invest their time in work, health, or spirituality and as a result perhaps traveling, dating, or reading is put on hold. That is the way ambition works right? Move forward towards a goal until you reach it, right?
Bear with me, I'm getting to the point.
So in a world where professional, physical, and financial goals have become a part of the constitution of every "good woman" isn't there a new structure for how women view "getting ahead"? And if that is the case, has marriage, and relationships become another "goal" for women rather than a decision? If you're wondering what the difference is, then let me clarify.
A goal is the result of an achievement to which effort is directed (dictionary.com) while a decision is defined as making a judgement or to determine a preference that results in a conclusion (dictionary.com).
Marriage has found its way on millions of "to do" or "bucket" lists of women, particularly in America. It has become the earnest desire of achievement as a form of power, recognition, and even wealth (also the definition of ambition). The obsession to attain a "good man" or date men that are "marriage material" has become in sorts, another example of the growth and empowerment of women. Let's keep it real: we can meet any number of powerful and influential women, but yet, if it is acknowledged that her marital status is single, somewhere, in our minds [or judgements] we conclude [decide] that something is fatally wrong with that woman.
Do we make these assessments of women who are unmarried because we have been brainwashed? Or do we, the modern woman, conclude this about her because we see her as a failure in some way? Do we look at the 'never married' woman and think "she just didn't do what she was supposed to do in order to get a man!"? If you are honest, somewhere, you'll find this criticism.
This is not a criticism of women: by all means and accounts the successful women of today have demonstrated tenacity, resilience, and impact in ways no person can avoid celebrating. But to another point we must inquire: how come marriage is an ambition many women have, yet a goal that so many cannot achieve?
It appears that the modern woman, in all her growth was excluded from a very important school: the school of self. While she is very conscious of her achievements, can balance the hell out of a checkbook, and may find her way through the most difficult of journeys, she has lost her ability to decide on what it means to be a partner.
While our families, and society were setting up parameters for our educational, professional, and financial empowerment by creating models for setting and achieving goals; somewhere, we lost our intuition, emotional intelligence, and spiritual insight about what being a good partner is. We lost our ability to decide on what is a loving way to do things, and what is not. We lost how to make a conversation effective, and how to leave one alone if it is not the time. As we gained so much knowledge of the [male] self, we lost the knowledge of what it means to be around a man, or perhaps, how to honor one. We surrendered our nurturing, patience, and friendship to our partners in exchange for becoming a "financial contribution", and a "professional alliance". And to this effect, we lost the Passion of Being a Woman.
While we learned how to choke back tears in the corporate board room we also learned how to suppress our feelings. The result? We learned how to ignore our intuition. While we learned how to work, work, work, in order to gain the "prize" [money, prestige, education] we also learned how to sacrifice vital parts of who we are. The result? We barter, give, and manipulate in relationships and call it "work". While we gained recognition, and acclaim for our accomplishments we learned to every effort there is a reward. The result? We lost the knowledge that in relationships, sometimes you do, give, and be, without expecting anything in return. [Disclaimer: this statement does not mean women today don't give to their man, on the contrary, it is designed to challenge why she is giving rather than if she is.] And finally, while we learned no-one gets something for nothing and how to negotiate our worth for appropriate compensation we also learned that everything has a price. The result? We have sold our souls.
This is a challenge to women. Not because we are inherently wrong, but because we must find the balance. We are fast learners. We turned the world upside down in less than a century learning how to be "man". Now, it seems we need to re-learn how to be a woman. This is not to say that being a woman means we abandon all that we have learned while we excelled and became solid contributors to movement of the world. It simply means we find the balance. It is our godly right to experience womanhood. It is our godly right to experience balance. Should women continue in the way in which they have, our very essence risks extinction.
I urge women to spend time together, learning the way in which women operate. I urge women to spend time with the self, conquering the demons of mis-education of what it means to be a woman. I urge women to pay attention to how she is perceived by men and learn what intrigues them about our differences [besides our sex].
I urge women to take a trip to Venus. After all, the planet seems to have been deserted.
It's a warm day in May, the sweet aroma of Magnolia trees is being lifted from their host and carried gently in by the wind through a window, slightly ajar. Inside the room now fragrant with Magnolia you are dressing in the most beautiful gown you have ever seen yourself in. There is tapestry and embroidery, perhaps even a silken shape, and you are a bride. There is fuss about you as the women you love so much are gathering around singing your praising, and catching details of imperfection on your behalf. The buzz of anxiety is about you, yet you feel still. You have won your prize, and in moments, you will be publicly named First Lady of this man's life. Instead of fussing over the dress, the flowers, and the bridesmaids, you, are singularly focused on getting down that isle: you've waited for this moment for years, for you, the trip is not just down the isle ahead, rather, it's been an epic journey.
He stands erect as the church doors open. You pause, simply to admire his waiting. For you know quite a bit about waiting. As you saunter down the isle you think to yourself: "this is it! this is my time! I have finally arrived!" He stands, and waits, serious and contemplative, as you reach him. And then of course, you live happily ever after.
Or do you? This is not another commentary or judgement against the modern woman and her obsession with marriage. There is plenty in the circuit of online publishing, books, magazines, and so forth in order to keep a girl occupied with this topic. Rather, I thought about looking at this 'coming of age' experience many women aspire to [and some that seem unable to capture] for the modern woman and why it seems to define us.
In the last thirty years women have changed. Yes, we are, in many ways, a species that embodies resilience, patience, and determination. But sociologically we have changed the very landscape of the world by reaching and soaring to new and unexplored heights. Because we are ambitious in mind and spirit we have celebrated making an impact both personally and globally. But where, oh where, did this drive come from?
Some might say it was necessary for women to become self-sufficient in order to be a viable contribution to the world. I agree with that. Others will say it is because women needed to have the right to express other domains of their ego than simply adoring and catering to husbands and children. I agree with that also. But there is another question: would women have agreed to advance their contribution to the world if it meant a sentence of loneliness, the destruction of our emotional intelligence, or the ignorance of intuition?
To every experience of personal growth there is a part of ourselves that is emphasized and another part that invariably gets put on the "back burner". Such is the case when a person has decided to invest their time in work, health, or spirituality and as a result perhaps traveling, dating, or reading is put on hold. That is the way ambition works right? Move forward towards a goal until you reach it, right?
Bear with me, I'm getting to the point.
So in a world where professional, physical, and financial goals have become a part of the constitution of every "good woman" isn't there a new structure for how women view "getting ahead"? And if that is the case, has marriage, and relationships become another "goal" for women rather than a decision? If you're wondering what the difference is, then let me clarify.
A goal is the result of an achievement to which effort is directed (dictionary.com) while a decision is defined as making a judgement or to determine a preference that results in a conclusion (dictionary.com).
Marriage has found its way on millions of "to do" or "bucket" lists of women, particularly in America. It has become the earnest desire of achievement as a form of power, recognition, and even wealth (also the definition of ambition). The obsession to attain a "good man" or date men that are "marriage material" has become in sorts, another example of the growth and empowerment of women. Let's keep it real: we can meet any number of powerful and influential women, but yet, if it is acknowledged that her marital status is single, somewhere, in our minds [or judgements] we conclude [decide] that something is fatally wrong with that woman.
Do we make these assessments of women who are unmarried because we have been brainwashed? Or do we, the modern woman, conclude this about her because we see her as a failure in some way? Do we look at the 'never married' woman and think "she just didn't do what she was supposed to do in order to get a man!"? If you are honest, somewhere, you'll find this criticism.
This is not a criticism of women: by all means and accounts the successful women of today have demonstrated tenacity, resilience, and impact in ways no person can avoid celebrating. But to another point we must inquire: how come marriage is an ambition many women have, yet a goal that so many cannot achieve?
It appears that the modern woman, in all her growth was excluded from a very important school: the school of self. While she is very conscious of her achievements, can balance the hell out of a checkbook, and may find her way through the most difficult of journeys, she has lost her ability to decide on what it means to be a partner.
While our families, and society were setting up parameters for our educational, professional, and financial empowerment by creating models for setting and achieving goals; somewhere, we lost our intuition, emotional intelligence, and spiritual insight about what being a good partner is. We lost our ability to decide on what is a loving way to do things, and what is not. We lost how to make a conversation effective, and how to leave one alone if it is not the time. As we gained so much knowledge of the [male] self, we lost the knowledge of what it means to be around a man, or perhaps, how to honor one. We surrendered our nurturing, patience, and friendship to our partners in exchange for becoming a "financial contribution", and a "professional alliance". And to this effect, we lost the Passion of Being a Woman.
While we learned how to choke back tears in the corporate board room we also learned how to suppress our feelings. The result? We learned how to ignore our intuition. While we learned how to work, work, work, in order to gain the "prize" [money, prestige, education] we also learned how to sacrifice vital parts of who we are. The result? We barter, give, and manipulate in relationships and call it "work". While we gained recognition, and acclaim for our accomplishments we learned to every effort there is a reward. The result? We lost the knowledge that in relationships, sometimes you do, give, and be, without expecting anything in return. [Disclaimer: this statement does not mean women today don't give to their man, on the contrary, it is designed to challenge why she is giving rather than if she is.] And finally, while we learned no-one gets something for nothing and how to negotiate our worth for appropriate compensation we also learned that everything has a price. The result? We have sold our souls.
This is a challenge to women. Not because we are inherently wrong, but because we must find the balance. We are fast learners. We turned the world upside down in less than a century learning how to be "man". Now, it seems we need to re-learn how to be a woman. This is not to say that being a woman means we abandon all that we have learned while we excelled and became solid contributors to movement of the world. It simply means we find the balance. It is our godly right to experience womanhood. It is our godly right to experience balance. Should women continue in the way in which they have, our very essence risks extinction.
I urge women to spend time together, learning the way in which women operate. I urge women to spend time with the self, conquering the demons of mis-education of what it means to be a woman. I urge women to pay attention to how she is perceived by men and learn what intrigues them about our differences [besides our sex].
I urge women to take a trip to Venus. After all, the planet seems to have been deserted.
Friday, April 16, 2010
The Only Thing Constant in the World is Change
Sam Cooke said it best: "It's been a long time coming but I know change is gone come". I am approaching an ending: I'm leaving my apartment of two years to move into a more affordable place. It makes sense, it's economical, and it's necessary. Yet, I resist. The experience over the past four weeks has been a paradigm of my life: fear of the unknown, resistance to change, and an over all anxiety about what the future holds. With all the blessings and many positive things that have occurred in my life these feelings still dominate my thoughts.
Endings. That is what has to happen before there is a beginning, an ending. Often it is the ending that takes up my attention. Endings for me, mean loss. Somehow, although I know that the future holds both blessings and adversity; all of which I will be able to handle because of grace and mercy I still struggle with letting go. Will I be happy? Have I made the right decision? What have I learned from this experience? Is the next experience just an encore to the same, with a different address?
Transitions are what the world, being human, is all about. So what is my resistance from. Obviously, submitting my emotional history for the world to see on the Internet isn't my intention but rather to bring about a serious question that all humans face: when the tide shifts, the game ends, the last strike has been hit, what will you do?
Letting go is a good thing: it brings room for the new, the exciting, the breath and breadth of life. Good things can only happen after we have to let go of what we've been doing. (Can you hear my inner parent talking me through this?)
I guess what is really challenging is that I am resisting feeling the feeling that is present and needs attention: I will miss this apartment.
After all, this place represented my evolution out of a depression post-graduate school and a difficult break-up. I found myself here. I learned a lot about what I need in order to be happy. I have been - exclusively - in complete control over every aspect of my life behind the door of apt. #202. From this, I have gained new friends and have had the courage to release toxic people. I turned down a marriage proposal (believe me, that wasn't easy). I have had to advocate for myself and learn when to say "no". I took lovers. Had sex when and where I felt like it. I cried, I painted, I read, I listened to the noise of silence. I decorated, I picked out my own furniture and decided what colors would soothe my soul. I woke up every morning to coffee brewing for me and the only noise that could be heard was my radio. I have gotten to know who I am. I write.
In this over priced apartment I said goodbye to the twenties and turned 30! I learned that friends were the family members that don't share my blood but fortunately are people I am able to choose.
So this next chapter is unknown. I won't say I am completely comfortable with the unknown but I am working, minute by minute, to accept it. I feel a little better (now that I have had a chance to write) and can see that not seeing what lies ahead is just as okay as being able to see.
So goodbye apartment 202! Goodbye to space and know that the memories will still be with me no matter what zip code I'm in!
I welcome the new. I am ready to experience what I have not experienced before. I release all fear of what is ahead. I am now ready to receive all that is coming to me. I am positioned in exactly the right place to experience all I desire. I have and continue to have all that I need. I am at peace and grateful for the many blessings ahead, ever thankful that my heart is able to expand. I have lost nothing and I am always receiving what I expect and even what I do not expect!
Thanks for listening.
Endings. That is what has to happen before there is a beginning, an ending. Often it is the ending that takes up my attention. Endings for me, mean loss. Somehow, although I know that the future holds both blessings and adversity; all of which I will be able to handle because of grace and mercy I still struggle with letting go. Will I be happy? Have I made the right decision? What have I learned from this experience? Is the next experience just an encore to the same, with a different address?
Transitions are what the world, being human, is all about. So what is my resistance from. Obviously, submitting my emotional history for the world to see on the Internet isn't my intention but rather to bring about a serious question that all humans face: when the tide shifts, the game ends, the last strike has been hit, what will you do?
Letting go is a good thing: it brings room for the new, the exciting, the breath and breadth of life. Good things can only happen after we have to let go of what we've been doing. (Can you hear my inner parent talking me through this?)
I guess what is really challenging is that I am resisting feeling the feeling that is present and needs attention: I will miss this apartment.
After all, this place represented my evolution out of a depression post-graduate school and a difficult break-up. I found myself here. I learned a lot about what I need in order to be happy. I have been - exclusively - in complete control over every aspect of my life behind the door of apt. #202. From this, I have gained new friends and have had the courage to release toxic people. I turned down a marriage proposal (believe me, that wasn't easy). I have had to advocate for myself and learn when to say "no". I took lovers. Had sex when and where I felt like it. I cried, I painted, I read, I listened to the noise of silence. I decorated, I picked out my own furniture and decided what colors would soothe my soul. I woke up every morning to coffee brewing for me and the only noise that could be heard was my radio. I have gotten to know who I am. I write.
In this over priced apartment I said goodbye to the twenties and turned 30! I learned that friends were the family members that don't share my blood but fortunately are people I am able to choose.
So this next chapter is unknown. I won't say I am completely comfortable with the unknown but I am working, minute by minute, to accept it. I feel a little better (now that I have had a chance to write) and can see that not seeing what lies ahead is just as okay as being able to see.
So goodbye apartment 202! Goodbye to space and know that the memories will still be with me no matter what zip code I'm in!
I welcome the new. I am ready to experience what I have not experienced before. I release all fear of what is ahead. I am now ready to receive all that is coming to me. I am positioned in exactly the right place to experience all I desire. I have and continue to have all that I need. I am at peace and grateful for the many blessings ahead, ever thankful that my heart is able to expand. I have lost nothing and I am always receiving what I expect and even what I do not expect!
Thanks for listening.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Gettin' My Shit Together
You know this about relationships...I mean really, what else do I write about?
But there is this awful feeling of reality that only my mother could help me see: the men I have continued to become attracted to, attempt to invest in, and long for have all been emotionally unavailable people.
As the panic set in once I realized that another relationship is ending for the same reason I saw myself returning to a place where I had promised myself I wouldn't go again: feeling like I am begging someone to love me. It's true, real, and fucked up. I mean, for most people there is an understanding that if they continue to expose themselves to the same situation and expect a different result they can just qualify themselves insane. Well, right now, that's just how I'm feeling.
My naivete about relationships seems to invade my decision making process in the early stages . Most times, when I decide to get involved with someone it's after some form of hiatus and I get to a point of loneliness that I want to feel the excitement of love more than I am willing to evaluate the "signs" that this guy is another one of the same. The truth is, because they come in so many shapes, sizes, and life experiences I haven't quite learned how to decipher the "signs". Does that make me a major contributor to my own dysfunction? Probably.
This blog is about getting my shit together and trying to find a way through the haze of repetition. I want to break the cycle, my cycle and I realize I need to learn the art of acceptance. I want to know more about how to try something new. The more I experience this same man, the more restless I become.
So every man I've dated has had some form of happiness anxiety. They've been unable to be emotionally available because there is some form of addiction in their lives; they don't even recognize it, and if they do, they don't admit it to me.
So what are addicts like? How can I recognize when I have been introduced to a man that has a problem? What are the measures to evaluate the behaviors of a man in order to determine if he's really a "good guy"? I'm going to have to go back to school on this one. As much as I think I might have grown, unfortunately, there is more that I have to do. So alas, I'm going to have to get the support that I need.
I've gotta get my shit together!
But there is this awful feeling of reality that only my mother could help me see: the men I have continued to become attracted to, attempt to invest in, and long for have all been emotionally unavailable people.
As the panic set in once I realized that another relationship is ending for the same reason I saw myself returning to a place where I had promised myself I wouldn't go again: feeling like I am begging someone to love me. It's true, real, and fucked up. I mean, for most people there is an understanding that if they continue to expose themselves to the same situation and expect a different result they can just qualify themselves insane. Well, right now, that's just how I'm feeling.
My naivete about relationships seems to invade my decision making process in the early stages . Most times, when I decide to get involved with someone it's after some form of hiatus and I get to a point of loneliness that I want to feel the excitement of love more than I am willing to evaluate the "signs" that this guy is another one of the same. The truth is, because they come in so many shapes, sizes, and life experiences I haven't quite learned how to decipher the "signs". Does that make me a major contributor to my own dysfunction? Probably.
This blog is about getting my shit together and trying to find a way through the haze of repetition. I want to break the cycle, my cycle and I realize I need to learn the art of acceptance. I want to know more about how to try something new. The more I experience this same man, the more restless I become.
So every man I've dated has had some form of happiness anxiety. They've been unable to be emotionally available because there is some form of addiction in their lives; they don't even recognize it, and if they do, they don't admit it to me.
So what are addicts like? How can I recognize when I have been introduced to a man that has a problem? What are the measures to evaluate the behaviors of a man in order to determine if he's really a "good guy"? I'm going to have to go back to school on this one. As much as I think I might have grown, unfortunately, there is more that I have to do. So alas, I'm going to have to get the support that I need.
I've gotta get my shit together!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
What a Girl Wants....Is What a Woman Needs!
I have been doing some research on what it is that is so called "common" among women that I do, and what about me is down right crazy! I was relieved to realize that much of what I thought was "insecure, crazy, or needy" is really part of what makes many women feel loved, safe, and cared for in a relationship. So after all my research the jury is in:
Men have to tell a woman how they feel about her in order for her to feel secure!
I've combed several websites and the consistency of this message is undeniable. The main cause for this need is rooted in the fact that women use language and expression to manifest their thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and concerns. When we are involved in any of our relationships be it work related, within the context of family, we express our perceptions, thoughts, and feelings both verbally and non-verbally. When we're in a group of friends, rarely do we sit and watch a show, go out for an activity, or even occupy ourselves with something other than the group. We sit (and often in some form of circle) and talk. Why? Because it is a release. We need to give life to some of those whacky things we're feeling and thinking in order for them to do die. The longer the thought, feeling, or perception goes un-expressed, the stronger it gets. And if women know anything, some of those thoughts, feelings, and perceptions can't get too strong or they will ruin something in our lives.
Having said that. I think one major mis-communication between men and women - is what it is we actually want you to say to us! Everyone knows that most of the things expressed by women are just that - expressions. If you're wondering how decipher "just talk" to more serious issues - pay attention to what she repeats over and over and over and over. At that point she isn't just talking to you......she's warning you!
Here are a few common phrases I found that women respond to the most in order to feel secure. If you're wondering or wanting a woman to feel loved, respected, and desired by you, check these out:
- I think you're beautiful.
- You can tell me, I'm listening.
- It's going to be alright.
- What can I do to help?
- I love you.
Contrary to what many men think are the things women want to hear, these simple five phrases will make a woman gush with love and feel totally secure that you are into her. For many, it doesn't take flowers on the job once a month (although flowers are ALWAYS nice to receive), or an expensive vacation, or jewelry. Each of these things are nice on occasion but as women we understand that they are not the norm. What I believe each woman is looking for from the man she is involved with are the sentiments that are expressed in these statements.
Let me break them down for you, in the same order presented above:
- "Ok good, so he's satisfied with me and desires me, I don't have to worry that he'll be unfaithful! *sigh of relief*"
- "He wants to know what I am thinking or feeling right now. Thank God! I was getting ready to burst and he has saved the day!"
- "I'm scared shitless...but I won't cowar, after all, my man has my back!"
- "My man understands how difficult life can be for me sometimes, when he just asked me if he could help, even though I may not take him up on it, he just showed me that I'm not out here alone"
- "Love is more superior than any other thing in this world - it's what fuels me, now that he has told me he loves me, I feel stronger than I ever have because I know with his love I can do anything!"
So you see fellas, it isn't that we want you to quote Shakespeare or write us love songs...we can see that those sentiments are as contrived as you can. It's what you're saying to us when the spotlight isn't on, in those quiet moments that we give to you, that make us feel secure. Hopefully, by now you know, a secure woman will go out, conquer the world, and bring it back to you to for you to enjoy the spoils!
After all, isn't that what Eve was doing wandering in the garden in the first place?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
What's Your Personal Legend?
Inspired by Natasha Bedingfield's Unwritten, I created the byline for this blog "this is your life...it is unwritten until today".
The lyrics struck me: "Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten". I have always thought of myself as a person who could forge to the "next level" of life...taking risks, albeit with fear, to enlarge myself. Yes, I have taken myself from one place to another in hopes that as I moved forward I would gain access to the truth of what makes Fatima, Fatima.
Yet, with each new adventure, or risk, I found myself becoming quieter, more reserved, damaged. The experience of change has never been one that I have welcomed - unless it was entirely rooted in my ambitions. But when change came, because someone changed their mind, or a circumstance was out of my control, suddenly I froze. The paralysis hit like a lightening bolt and left me singed with remorse, sadness, and fear. I rebound, go forward, in hopes of making what seemed to be another loss into a gain. I am resilient, to say the least, but am I courageous?
After reading Paulo Coehlo's The Alchemist for the third time this past weekend it struck me differently. A constant theme throughout the novel is that each of us has a Personal Legend. A Personal Legend is described as "what you've always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young, knows what their Personal Legend is (21)".
For many years, perhaps even up until the moments that I started to write this blog, I believed that my Personal Legend was to get married and have children. This isn't just a manifestation outdated brainwashing, it was a deep desire for family; a group of people who would give and receive love openly who were conceived by me and connected through me. I wanted to enjoy the excitement of an engagement, the pangs of childbirth, the anxiety of choosing a place to settle, the passions of marriage, the pride of watching loving, responsible babies turn into adults with integrity, joy, and peace at the center of their being. I have, in all honesty, had this vision for myself since as early as 8 years old.
Then, life happened. I chose the wrong guys, my health waned early in my twenties, doctors, teachers, family, and everyone else suggested I think of "other" things to do with my life because having a family just isn't simple or right or safe or something you can plan.
My faith has been challenged by clergy when I requested prayer for God to send me a husband. I was instructed to "be still" and "wait on the Lord" that my dreams would be manifested. When I became weary, year after year, of no results, my faith suffered because I believed the God they described didn't just want me to wait - He wanted me to never have.
My pockets got emptied along this road too. I spent more money attaining college degrees than I'll probably ever feel comfortable publicly admitting in search of the "right" man to assist me in achieving my "personal legend". I combed the libraries, started a relationship with someone who did not share my passion for settling down and having a family, all to end up with five years of searching, and a broken heart. All because a family member planted the seed in my head that if I "went to college you would certainly meet a husband there". I returned five years later with two degrees, a wealth of experiences, but with no husband. In fact, I came back traumatized by the debt from college, the loss of a relationship, and the reality that my hope in getting married and having a family may never crystallize.
Like I said, I'm resilient. And after a hiatus from planning I settled into the life I have today. Teacher, sister, friend, and lover. But no husband, no children, and no family of my own that I have created. This is the honest shit women only think but don't express.
So I have to ask myself, is that really my Personal Legend? Included in the book The Alchemist is another great quote that I lived by: "when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it (22)". Really? So does that mean what I thought I have wanted all this time has simply been a mirage? If I truly believe in this statement, doesn't the evidence tell me that having a husband, a family, is not what I really want? After all, the universe hasn't conspired in my plan, in the least. In fact, when I pray the same prayer over and over it feels like God's line is busy and my prayer is stuck in the clouds. ---I know what you're thinking "have a little faith Fatima". But see, faith is how I got here, how I figured out that I would have to create a journey that was fulfilling. Hope inspired my actions, filled my cup with dreams that presented little to no evidence in actually being realized, gave me laser sharp focus and everything else I needed to move forward without knowing that I would actually arrive at my destination.
So in my 30th year, I have to do what any sane ( or relatively sane) person would do: ask myself the very real question: "Fatima, what's your Personal Legend?"
If it isn't to have a husband and family, then what is it? If the very thing that has been fueling my actions, breathing life into my dreams isn't the thing I've desired all my life, what is?
How do I, and many others find out what their Personal Legend is when your mind, body, and spirit have been yearning for one thing and after years of searching you have not achieved what you set out to achieve.
In the end of the novel, and I know I ruining it for those who haven't read it, The Shepard Boy arrives at the pyramids to locate his treasure only to start digging in the sand furiously and be stopped by a group of rebels who beat him almost to death. The well he's created in the sand is deep and yet no treasure is uncovered. Instead, he's defeated and the rebels mock him for searching for the treasure. Humiliated, he returns back to his homeland, gathers a new flock of sheep and returns to place where he started. There, he finds out that his treasure was buried under the same tree where he was when he was inspired to go in search of his treasure.
Irony? God's trick? I don't know.
The Shepard boy met a lot of people who changed his life, showed him things about himself he never knew, and he even fell in love with a desert woman (named Fatima no less) but what he searched for was where he began all along.
So where did I begin? What was at the root of the tree that I sat under when I became inspired to go in search of my treasure? Is there more left on this journey, or have I returned to the place where I began? If all I am to take from the last 15 years of searching is the gifts of the journey, when will I know I have returned home to the place where I started? What if I don't know where that place is? Am I the inevitable Shepard, roaming, herding sheep who can't care for themselves, or am I, manifesting my Personal Legend?
The lyrics struck me: "Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten". I have always thought of myself as a person who could forge to the "next level" of life...taking risks, albeit with fear, to enlarge myself. Yes, I have taken myself from one place to another in hopes that as I moved forward I would gain access to the truth of what makes Fatima, Fatima.
Yet, with each new adventure, or risk, I found myself becoming quieter, more reserved, damaged. The experience of change has never been one that I have welcomed - unless it was entirely rooted in my ambitions. But when change came, because someone changed their mind, or a circumstance was out of my control, suddenly I froze. The paralysis hit like a lightening bolt and left me singed with remorse, sadness, and fear. I rebound, go forward, in hopes of making what seemed to be another loss into a gain. I am resilient, to say the least, but am I courageous?
After reading Paulo Coehlo's The Alchemist for the third time this past weekend it struck me differently. A constant theme throughout the novel is that each of us has a Personal Legend. A Personal Legend is described as "what you've always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young, knows what their Personal Legend is (21)".
For many years, perhaps even up until the moments that I started to write this blog, I believed that my Personal Legend was to get married and have children. This isn't just a manifestation outdated brainwashing, it was a deep desire for family; a group of people who would give and receive love openly who were conceived by me and connected through me. I wanted to enjoy the excitement of an engagement, the pangs of childbirth, the anxiety of choosing a place to settle, the passions of marriage, the pride of watching loving, responsible babies turn into adults with integrity, joy, and peace at the center of their being. I have, in all honesty, had this vision for myself since as early as 8 years old.
Then, life happened. I chose the wrong guys, my health waned early in my twenties, doctors, teachers, family, and everyone else suggested I think of "other" things to do with my life because having a family just isn't simple or right or safe or something you can plan.
My faith has been challenged by clergy when I requested prayer for God to send me a husband. I was instructed to "be still" and "wait on the Lord" that my dreams would be manifested. When I became weary, year after year, of no results, my faith suffered because I believed the God they described didn't just want me to wait - He wanted me to never have.
My pockets got emptied along this road too. I spent more money attaining college degrees than I'll probably ever feel comfortable publicly admitting in search of the "right" man to assist me in achieving my "personal legend". I combed the libraries, started a relationship with someone who did not share my passion for settling down and having a family, all to end up with five years of searching, and a broken heart. All because a family member planted the seed in my head that if I "went to college you would certainly meet a husband there". I returned five years later with two degrees, a wealth of experiences, but with no husband. In fact, I came back traumatized by the debt from college, the loss of a relationship, and the reality that my hope in getting married and having a family may never crystallize.
Like I said, I'm resilient. And after a hiatus from planning I settled into the life I have today. Teacher, sister, friend, and lover. But no husband, no children, and no family of my own that I have created. This is the honest shit women only think but don't express.
So I have to ask myself, is that really my Personal Legend? Included in the book The Alchemist is another great quote that I lived by: "when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it (22)". Really? So does that mean what I thought I have wanted all this time has simply been a mirage? If I truly believe in this statement, doesn't the evidence tell me that having a husband, a family, is not what I really want? After all, the universe hasn't conspired in my plan, in the least. In fact, when I pray the same prayer over and over it feels like God's line is busy and my prayer is stuck in the clouds. ---I know what you're thinking "have a little faith Fatima". But see, faith is how I got here, how I figured out that I would have to create a journey that was fulfilling. Hope inspired my actions, filled my cup with dreams that presented little to no evidence in actually being realized, gave me laser sharp focus and everything else I needed to move forward without knowing that I would actually arrive at my destination.
So in my 30th year, I have to do what any sane ( or relatively sane) person would do: ask myself the very real question: "Fatima, what's your Personal Legend?"
If it isn't to have a husband and family, then what is it? If the very thing that has been fueling my actions, breathing life into my dreams isn't the thing I've desired all my life, what is?
How do I, and many others find out what their Personal Legend is when your mind, body, and spirit have been yearning for one thing and after years of searching you have not achieved what you set out to achieve.
In the end of the novel, and I know I ruining it for those who haven't read it, The Shepard Boy arrives at the pyramids to locate his treasure only to start digging in the sand furiously and be stopped by a group of rebels who beat him almost to death. The well he's created in the sand is deep and yet no treasure is uncovered. Instead, he's defeated and the rebels mock him for searching for the treasure. Humiliated, he returns back to his homeland, gathers a new flock of sheep and returns to place where he started. There, he finds out that his treasure was buried under the same tree where he was when he was inspired to go in search of his treasure.
Irony? God's trick? I don't know.
The Shepard boy met a lot of people who changed his life, showed him things about himself he never knew, and he even fell in love with a desert woman (named Fatima no less) but what he searched for was where he began all along.
So where did I begin? What was at the root of the tree that I sat under when I became inspired to go in search of my treasure? Is there more left on this journey, or have I returned to the place where I began? If all I am to take from the last 15 years of searching is the gifts of the journey, when will I know I have returned home to the place where I started? What if I don't know where that place is? Am I the inevitable Shepard, roaming, herding sheep who can't care for themselves, or am I, manifesting my Personal Legend?
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Pessimism Precedes Me.
How many dates, failed relationships, and false hopes does one woman experience before she becomes a pessimist about love?
There are plenty of self-help books, advice columns, and blogs for a woman to "reflect" on why her relationships are not working. After all, it seems that mass media production has done well in finding out that developing relationships is a primary concern for woman and have capitalized off of it. Indeed, we want to read, explore, and try every "trick" in order to secure the ideal: reciprocal friendships and relationships that will give us a sense of family.
And yet, in the wise words of my neighbors: "all of those books on improving the self is simply a reflection of what worked for them, and definitely not a guide for what will work for you." These wise words got me to thinking about what it is that I need and want and how I am going about getting it.
While reading the plethora of advice ads, I decided to check out from the most popular trends that get people in the place where they want to be in their relationships and started thinking about what I am doing to get myself there.
The truth is when it comes to love I've become a pessimist. Like all learned perspectives I have a resume of failed relationships and selfish partners to solidify why I have become this way. And for the first time, I could give a damn if someone "senses" my pessimism. I'm tired of healing broken hearts because a man was able to take and not give. I think it is disgraceful when a woman is expected to emotionally recover from an act of betrayal because another has made a "mistake". I'm sick of the emotional violence: dirty talk, silence, lies, avoidance, and foul play.
There has to be something said about the fact that as women we are encouraged to "re-invent the wheel" of relationship behaviors to out-wit or out-smart the over-powering male in order to get our needs met. Isn't that what all this talk about standards, expectations, boundaries, and self-love is all about anyway? Aren't we all just trying to devise plans on getting the man to understand, submit, and cooperate with meeting our needs?
Why (and I must use this word) the FUCK don't men have to do this? Why is every article in Essence magazine about how I need to act, respond, and sex a man in order to keep him? Is it just me or do other women feel totally run down by patriarchal (look it up) standards for getting and receiving love while the feminine principles of being a woman are undergoing a genocide?
I am becoming a pessimist. Not because I don't believe in love, it's actually quite the opposite: I believe in love so deeply that I have become to hate the way in which feminine intuition is being shitted on, manipulated, and exploited for the purpose of serving the man. Love gives, receives, shares, explores, comforts, sets a foundation, enlarges, and simplifies life's challenges in a irrational paradox that we all need to become more acquainted with.
In 2010 (my 30th year, and 15th year of dating) I'm giving up. I give up. That's right, if a man has to be coerced, manipulated, or begged to love me well, he's short. I'm not doing it. He has to realize that I am human, woman, and real. If he can't see me for exactly that then it won't work. I have lost the desire to make it work. Now, if he doesn't act, he won't get.
Call it what you want, but pessimism precedes me.
There are plenty of self-help books, advice columns, and blogs for a woman to "reflect" on why her relationships are not working. After all, it seems that mass media production has done well in finding out that developing relationships is a primary concern for woman and have capitalized off of it. Indeed, we want to read, explore, and try every "trick" in order to secure the ideal: reciprocal friendships and relationships that will give us a sense of family.
And yet, in the wise words of my neighbors: "all of those books on improving the self is simply a reflection of what worked for them, and definitely not a guide for what will work for you." These wise words got me to thinking about what it is that I need and want and how I am going about getting it.
While reading the plethora of advice ads, I decided to check out from the most popular trends that get people in the place where they want to be in their relationships and started thinking about what I am doing to get myself there.
The truth is when it comes to love I've become a pessimist. Like all learned perspectives I have a resume of failed relationships and selfish partners to solidify why I have become this way. And for the first time, I could give a damn if someone "senses" my pessimism. I'm tired of healing broken hearts because a man was able to take and not give. I think it is disgraceful when a woman is expected to emotionally recover from an act of betrayal because another has made a "mistake". I'm sick of the emotional violence: dirty talk, silence, lies, avoidance, and foul play.
There has to be something said about the fact that as women we are encouraged to "re-invent the wheel" of relationship behaviors to out-wit or out-smart the over-powering male in order to get our needs met. Isn't that what all this talk about standards, expectations, boundaries, and self-love is all about anyway? Aren't we all just trying to devise plans on getting the man to understand, submit, and cooperate with meeting our needs?
Why (and I must use this word) the FUCK don't men have to do this? Why is every article in Essence magazine about how I need to act, respond, and sex a man in order to keep him? Is it just me or do other women feel totally run down by patriarchal (look it up) standards for getting and receiving love while the feminine principles of being a woman are undergoing a genocide?
I am becoming a pessimist. Not because I don't believe in love, it's actually quite the opposite: I believe in love so deeply that I have become to hate the way in which feminine intuition is being shitted on, manipulated, and exploited for the purpose of serving the man. Love gives, receives, shares, explores, comforts, sets a foundation, enlarges, and simplifies life's challenges in a irrational paradox that we all need to become more acquainted with.
In 2010 (my 30th year, and 15th year of dating) I'm giving up. I give up. That's right, if a man has to be coerced, manipulated, or begged to love me well, he's short. I'm not doing it. He has to realize that I am human, woman, and real. If he can't see me for exactly that then it won't work. I have lost the desire to make it work. Now, if he doesn't act, he won't get.
Call it what you want, but pessimism precedes me.
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